What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
1980 was a watershed year in baseball history. The Philadelphia Phillies won their first championship, George Brett taught us all about hemorrhoid flare-up, and there was a convergence of some the ugliest uniforms ever to see a summer day.
Lately, baseball teams have been trotting out retro togs in the guise of honoring some damn thing, but generally to sell more crap at their Pro Shop. But of all the horrors that have been trotted out in the name of nostalgia, none match the dreadfulness of the days when these were the everyday threads.
Some of them were so bad that they defied explanation. Deciding which ones were the worst was a bit like deciding which nut you would rather have kicked. And now, thanks to this blog, you get to make that decision.
If you are my age, you may remember Garanimals? Essentially, Garanimals existed to teach stupid kids how to dress themselves without looking ridiculous, except there was no way you could not look ridiculous in clothes with matching animals on them. The Pirates uniforms were the major league counterpart to this fashion mistake, with its bumblebee mix-and-match look. But it didn’t stop there; this ensemble was topped off with those IHOP stack/stovepipe caps. And guess what? I had one.
I always waited for Elmer Fudd to storm Oakland Coliseum and just start blasting, because these uniforms were obviously modeled after a duck decoy. Short of Paris Hilton’s panties, where the hell else can you find such infectious versions of green and yellow?
San Diego Padres
The first time I saw Ozzie Smith do a back flip in these brown-and-yellow duds, I was reminded of the swirl of a flushing toilet. Unfortunately, for most of the time the Padres wore these, their play offered the same vision. Thankfully, the Padres finally flushed.
Everything about baseball in Montreal was ridiculous, except for the players. The Expos always had great players, but you couldn’t take them seriously in those “Max Patkin” clown outfits. What else would you expect from a bunch of pseudo-Frogs who demanded a baseball team they wouldn’t even watch, and forced them to play in a roller rink with a rubber roof?
What do Japanese cartoons have in common with these uniforms? They both nearly made me have a fucking seizure. Like some sort of bad “tequila sunrise” hangover, these uniforms wouldn’t go away; the Astros wore them for well over 20 years.
The Indians were the first team in the American League to have a black player. They were also the first team to have a black manager. Cleveland was also the first major city to have a black mayor. Perhaps that’s why they had this Red/Blue – Bloods/Crips thing happening.
Chicago White Sox
From the stupid floppy collar to the 1900-style script on the jersey with the modern font “Sox” on the cap, nothing said “dopey asshole” more than these uniforms, and there wasn’t a better team for it. The sad part: these were the best they option they had.