Understanding the Conference That Was The Big 12 Through a Comparison to Stuff in My Kitchen

Since it seems the college football world is about to undergo the tectonic shift of conference re-alignment we’ve all been waiting for, it may be time for us here at Dubsism to introduce you to a conference and its members with whom you may not be all that familiar.

When it comes to the Big Twelve, everybody has knowledge of the big dogs;  Texas, Oklahoma, and Nebraska have all seen there share of the national television spotlight.  While the fan bases of this conference are seemingly enduring a diaspora, those fans are going to see teams on their schedules in the near future of which they likely will know absolutely nothing.

Luckily, there is a way to prevent such a tragedy. All sports teams have a personality; we here at Dubsism intend to enlighten those of you possibly  dawning a new era by comparing a team which you may know little about to a better-known entity; in this case everyday items found in my kitchen.

Iowa State – Ketchup

And not just for those idiotic all-red uniforms. Sure, it’s bland, only good for one thing and taken for granted, but the hamburger that seemingly was the Big 12 wouldn’t be the same without it. After all, Baylor’s gotta beat somebody on the road.

Nebraska –Vodka

Honestly, I can’t stand vodka. I only keep it around because so many other people seem to like it. That’s probably the same reason the Big 12 kept hanging on to these corn-wearing knuckleheads. At least the Callahan years turned most Husker fans into this guy (not really safe for work, but hilarious nevertheless).

Colorado – Maxwell House coffee

Another thing that isn’t my favorite, but some people just ain’t gonna get the fresh-ground Kona roast. The usually mediocre Buffaloes were perfect for the Big 12 to serve up to a bowl game to which they make the obligatory “morning-after” promise to call, but never do.

Kansas – Pasta

To get you there on this one requires a sub-reference – pasta can be like women; good top-quality pasta is the “girl you take home to Mom.” Every once in a while, the Jayhawks make you fall in love, like with a Gayle Sayers, John Riggins, or more recently Mark Mangino’s offense. At times like this, Kansas is certainly that kind of woman who gets the candles and the soft music to seal the deal. The trouble is at other times, Jayhawk football can make the quality of the pasta irrelevant, as they made it overcooked and uselessly limp.

Kansas State –  Spaghettio’s

Known to be fond of a hard (throwing) Lynn Dickey.

We all know this is closer to the “whore” end of the pasta spectrum, resplendent in its cheap, yet tantalizing sauce, and waving those firm, round, oh-so-fake “meatballs” in your face.  K-State football so wants the respect pasta gets, but with this girl, a hummer in your Ford F-150 could only be six to eight MGDs away. Worse yet, you know you’re going to feel guilty for doing it, but you’ll do it anyway.

Missouri – Bumble Bee Tuna

Dependable for 7 no-matter-what wins, and always a good combination with lots of other stuff on this list, but at the end of the day, it ain’t Boardwalk or Park Place; it’s more like Marvin Gardens.

Oklahoma – Hot Sauce

Not just any hot sauce, but that special Asian liquid-plutonium instant-death sauce that is so enticing but always leaves you feeling gastrointestinally raped. And not just raped, rather like somebody gave you a 5-gallon napalm enema and dragged a flaming tumbleweed through the entire length of your digestive tract.

Put ‘em in a Hooters outfit, and you are soooooo ordering the “Tumbleweed Platter.” Don’t try to deny it, either.

You are always suckered in by the Sooners, and you spend the whole off-season being reminded of it by the scorch-marks in your Fruit-of-the-Looms.

Oklahoma State – Bourbon

Much like Cowboy football in September, that first glass of bourbon is filled with promise. But by November, you’re just another drunk whose week-long hangover has prompted yet another pledge to never drink again. But September always comes back…

Texas Tech – Ham

If there were ever a perfect reason to break up a conference, the fact that Texas Tech bum-rushed Mike Leach out of Lubbock would be it. How can you not love a pirate-loving quote machine such as Leach? If there were ever anybody who embodied my love of the strange comparison, Leach and his off-the-wall “Ham and Eggs” comment would also have to be it.

“It’s a little like breakfast – you eat ham and eggs. As coaches and players, we’re like the ham. You see – the chicken’s involved but the pig’s committed. We’re like the pig, they’re like the chicken. They’re involved, but everything we have rides on this.”

Coach Leach, we here at Dubsism salute you and your commitment, which hopefully happens soon.

Baylor – Mayonnaise

Perhaps they should refrigerate Floyd Casey Stadium.

Creamy, white Baptist kids who only need three hours in the sun to become fatally rancid.

Texas – Chicken of the Sea Tuna

Dependable for 9 no-matter-what wins, and always a good combination with lots of other stuff on this list. While the Longhorns are consistently better than Bumble Bee, at the end of the day…sorry, Charlie.

Texas A&M – Coffee Maker

Aggie football is usually non-descript, but it performs a crucial function; giving me a steady buzz of huge, bruising fullbacks.

See Also: Understanding the Conference That Was The Big Ten Through a Comparison to Classic Game Show Hosts

Understanding the Conference That Was The Pacific 10 Through a Comparison to “Scrubs” Characters

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

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