Top Salaries From Obscure Sports and What That Really Means

Esteban over at Total Pro Sports put together a thought provoking list. A while ago, that site did a list of the fattest paychecks in sports, and it’s what you would expect, except for the Formula 1 racing guys and Manny Pacquiao. Granted, I didn’t think of those guys at first, but it makes sense if you think about it.

Then, Esteban took that a step further by looking at some of the most bankable figures from sports which wouldn’t necessarily pop into your head. Originally, I was simply going to comment on his site, but the more I composed my thoughts, I realized this needed a Dubsism-style break-down. Let’s be honest, there some serious social commentary hidden in Esteban’s piece; commentary which really needs to be brought out.

Peruse his list understanding that his premise is ranking the entries on the list by “the disparity between the size of the salary and the obscurity of the sport.” Interspersed with Esteban’s list will be the hidden commentary which may only be visible to my bourbon-soaked brain.

13) Phillip Dalhausser/Tedd Rogers – Beach Volleyball: $387,700

Esteban Says:

“Beach Volleyball isn’t that obscure. It’s always one of the most popular events at the Summer Olympics (though, the bikini-clad women are the bigger draw). Still, it’s not particularly popular as a pro sport. You might catch a tournament here or there on ESPN2 at 11AM on a Wednesday, but that’s about it. And yet American duo managed to pull in over three-hundred grand last year. That’s almost as much as the minimum salary for a Major League Baseball player!”

Dubsism Says:

I re-read this three times before it dawned on me…it took two guys to make that amount of money, which means when you split it down the middle, they only made about $140,000 each. I’ve made that much in a year, which means this sport doesn’t really count in terms of a “professional” sport in which you can get rich…at least not for dudes.  Misty  May-Treanor could probably make that much just by letting dudes stick dollar bills in her volley-thong.

 12) Kelly Slater – Surfing: $516,000

Esteban Says:

“Just so we’re clear, Florida native Kelly Slater is a dude. A surfer dude, to be precise. And he’s doing well for himself. In fact, half a million is just about what I would have expected for the top pro surfer, which is why Kelly only ranks #12 on this list. He also makes a good chunk of change on endorsements and has a super hot girlfriend. So it definitely wouldn’t suck to be Kelly Slater these days. (Plus, do you get to see stuff like this when you go to work?)”

Dubsism Says:

If you recall the Dubsism test of what constitutes a sport, I’m not sure surfing passes. But let’s be honest, half a million and hot chicks…well, that’s hard to argue with. Besides, there’s always the off-chance he gets eaten.

11) Tim Don – Triathlon: $223,600

Esteban Says:

“This one is kind of mysterious. British triathlete Tim Don has never been ranked higher than #3 in the world, and he did that only once. In 2010 he finished 15th, and yet somehow he on top of the money list with over two-hundred grand. I guess he won the events with the biggest purses. Still, doesn’t really seem fair, does it?”

Dubsism Says:

I had no idea suicide could be profitable. Have you ever seen what the back-end of a triathlon looks like.? It’s a bunch of skinny exercise addicts who have so over-exerted themselves they are losing their bowel control while running.  I have no idea who would pay to see that.

10) Kane Waselenchuk – Racquetball: $300,000

Esteban Says:

“Where, exactly, is professional racquetball a popular sport? I assumed maybe in Europe or Asia, but all of the major events seem to be held in North America. That includes the most prestigious event, the U.S. Open, which is held in Minneapolis.”

“In any case, Canadian Kane Waselenchuk is the top-earning racquetball player in the world these days, pulling in a decent $300,000. (This figure, unlike the others presented here, is actually the sum of his winnings, appearance fees, and endorsements. So Waselenchuk’s salary is probably more like $150,000-$200,000.)”

Dubsism Says:

I tried to play racquetball once. I couldn’t understand the object of the game. It seems to me this whole game is about getting a ball to bounce off two walls before slamming into your opponent’s testicles at meteor-speed.

9) Darren Appleton – Billiards : $118,494

Esteban Says:

“With many or most of the sports on this list, it would almost seem like a waste to put so much hard work and effort into earning such paltry salaries. Sure, you can make $500,000 surfing, but how much of that do you have to spend on travel and other expenses? A whole lot, I’m guessing. And then one day you’ll be too old to make money surfing, and what will you have? (Sorry, Kelly Slater.)”

“But with billiards it’s different. You can afford to make only $118,494 because the expenses are low relative to other sports, and you can be competitive well into your 50s or 60s (as long as you don’t get early onset arthritis). So Darren Appleton here might be okay.”

Dubsism Says:

I wonder if this guy gets paid in quarters. There’s three types of people who are always on the Jones for quarters: people who need them for laundromats, people who ride the bus, and guys who play a lot of bar pool.

And another thing…don’t be that guy who goes to the bar with his own cue. Even if you can end up as this guy, it’s not worth half a million quarters to be such a colossal douche-hammer.

8 ) Nick Matthew – Squash: $166,929

Esteban Says:

“I thought squash was just some game that rich people played as “the club.” I had no idea there was a Professional Squash Association (PSA) and a Women’s International Squash Players Association (WISPA). But there is. And as top dog Nick Matthew shows, you can’t count of squash to make you rich. So I guess you’d better be playing for the love of the game.”

Dubsism Says:

Is it just me, or does that guy look just a bit too much like Colin Cowherd? That in and of itself tells you this sport has an astronomically-high “Nancy-Boy” factor. Besides, the obvious point is well-taken…if this is a “rich guy club” sport, why does Colin up there  make less than almost anybody else on this list?

7) Trevor Brazile – Rodeo: $507,920

Esteban Says:

“I think I expected the top-earners from the world of Rodeo to earn a little more than this. The sport is pretty popular in certain regions (like Texas and Calgary), and the costs involved—well-bred horses and lots and lots of cattle—are pretty high. How much of that $507,920 does Texan Trevor Brazile get to put in the bank at the end of the year?”

Dubsism Says:

This is where Esteban and I part ways. I was shocked to see the top rodeo guy nets half a million bucks a year.  I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve it; I just had no idea there was that much money in it.

Not to mention, look at the look that horse’s eyes. You can just tell he thinks he deserves 57 percent of that half a million. In fact, I think Bryant Gumbel just called rodeo horses “slaves.”

6) Renato Nunes – Bull Riding: $1,594,527

Esteban Says:

“For most people, bull riding is a bit of a novelty. You see people do it on TV, or you hear about bars that have mechanical bull contests, but you kind of forget that this is an actual sport people pay money to watch. So that’s why bull riding ranks to high on the list. It’s certainly not because Brazilian Renato Nunes didn’t earn every penny of that $1.5 million. He most definitely did.”

Dubsism Says:

This guy doesn’t make nearly enough. For all of you NBA panty-wastes who bitch about being underpaid, try doing for one week what this guy does all year long. This event should be called “Professional Testicle-Smashing Which May Also Cripple You And/Or Get a Big Horn Rammed Up Your Anus.”

5) Hakuho – Sumo: $400,000

Esteban Says:

“See, now I thought the top-earning Sumo wrestler would make a hell of a lot more money that this. Though it’s totally a novelty here (like Rodeo), isn’t Sumo kind of a big deal in Japan? You’d think the top sumo wrestler could at least clear $1,000,000. After all, the average salary of a baseball player in Japan is about $450,000. And if they paid them more, maybe Sumo wrestlers wouldn’t have to resort to stealing ATMs.”

Dubsism Says:

This guy only makes $400,000? He eats that much at the $5.99 all-you-can-eat Asian buffet.

4) Walter Ray Williams, Jr. – Bowling: $152,670

Esteban Says:

“Given how much bowling is on TV compared to some of the other sports on this list (like Triathalon), I expected the top-earning pro bowler to be pulling down at least a quarter million, but probably something more along the lines of half a million. Now, I’m sure Walter Ray also has a solid income from endorsements; nevertheless, his actually salary seems shockingly low to me.”

Dubsism Says:

First, that name conjures images of dead girls in a windowless van. Second of all, have you ever watched bowling on television? If you had, you would notice every one of those tournaments which doesn’t happen in the off-Strip backwaters of Las Vegas takes place in exciting urban hot-spots like Columbus, Ohio and North Brunswick, New Jersey.

Besides, if you want to make the big money in bowling, you have to be willing to roll on Shomer Shabbos.

3)  John Baker – Dog Sledding: $50,400

Esteban Says:

“John Baker’s $50,400 dog sledding salary ranks 3rd on this list because it’s surprising in a couple different ways.”

“On the one hand, it’s rather amazing that you can make any kind of living on dog sledding. Everyone’sheard of the Iditarod, but no one knows when it is or who the hell has won it. On the other hand, it’s hard to believe people can afford to compete professionally when making only $50,000 a year.”

“Then again, all the competitions take place in Alaska and northern Canada, so the travel expenses would be relatively low. And you can probably get sponsors to give you dog food, so that takes care of another $10,000 in expenses. So given the low cost of living in the regions where these folks live, I guess they can get by pretty well on fifty grand.”

Dubsism Says:

It doesn’t shock me this guy makes less than I do. It doesn’t shock me this guy looks like his nuts are frozen to his leg.  What shocks me is how does this guy get this much press coverage? There’s nine people trying to get some video or a sound bite off of this guy, and those are just the ones you can see. Either this sport is more popular than we ever imagined, or every single person in Nome, Alaska really needs fresh blog content.

2) Joey Chestnut – Major League Eating: $218,500

Esteban Says:

“Is competitive eating a sport? My instinct says not, but ESPN says yes. And who am I to argue with ESPN?”

“In any case, I was absolutely shocked to learn than you can make this much money by making a complete ass out of yourself on a regular basis. But hey, whatever floats your boat, Joey Chestnut.”

Dubsism Says:

First of all, this is just f–king disgusting. Looking at that, you can just hear the diabetes. This guy must thank God everyday for the Heimlich maneuver.

1)  Phil Taylor – Darts: $1,044,000

Esteban Says:

“British darts champ Phil Taylor made a million bucks in 2010. That just blows my mind. Who knew spending too much time at the pub could become so lucrative?”

Dubsism Says:

We may have found the first guy with a seven-figure income who couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison if he had a fistful of keys. Want to know why? Remember the earlier comment about the guy who brings his own pool cue to the bar? He’s one notch up from the guy who brings his own darts.