What We Learned: Super Bowl XLVI…Or As We Call It In America, Super Bowl 46

1) Its time for the Roman numeral thing to come to an end

First off, does anybody really remember how those damn things work anyway? I learned them in the sixth grade, and I don’t know about you, but that was just too damn long ago. Not to mention, where the hell else do I need this knowledge unless I’m trying to figure out the the copyright date on an old movie? From now on, just stick with the Arabic numbers we all use; next year I want to see 47, not XLVII. Make it happen, Roger Goodell. I took my first step toward not hating you when you said it may be time to get rid of the damn Pro Bowl; let’s build on that momentum.

2) Pre-game shows were concocted by the same people who invented Waterboarding

Seriously, who needs four hours of Chris Berman? Who needs multiple hours of any of these turdloafs? Give me six hours of Cris Collinsworth on tape, and let me have any guy in Guantanamo from whom you want a secret. I’ll have it for you by the time we hit the third commercial break.

What’s sadder still is the stuff other channels put on as if they are throwing their hands in the air like they just don’t care.  Puppy Bowl? A “Law and Order” marathon? Like somebody might want an option to half a day of the sporting equivalent of a dog turd on a summer sidewalk.

3) I’ve discovered the worst people to have at a Super Bowl party 

• The person who keeps making it a point to tell you they hate sports, but enjoys the “social community of the virtual holiday” the Super Bowl has become

We all know this one. It is usually the woman who wears knee-length skirts with dark tights and combat boots, has far too many piercings, and somehow during the course of the day works in a rant about “American indulgent consumerism.” If they aren’t a woman, they usually are some long-haired, petchouli-smelling dickbreath who yells at anybody who doesn’t toss their beer can in the recycle bin he carries in his Prius. In either case, they usually are a co-worker of the wife of the guy hosting the party, and the wife had some sort of situation where they could not be “not invited.”

• The person who knows absolutely nothing about football, but tries to pretend they do

Here’s another stereotype which offers two gender-based options. The male version is usually somebody’s shit-for-brains brother-in-law who thinks just because he played linebacker in junior high and now is nearing offensive tackle-weight he is qualified to offer an opinion on every single football related topic offered during that insufferable month-long pre-game show. The female version is almost always that woman who has no friends and is desperate to fit in anywhere, so she watches a little ESPN First Take and thinks she can talk at length about what a great free-throw shooter Tim Tebow is.

• The overly-neurotic cook

Usually seen at the “pot-luck” type gathering, this person has such a compulsive need for acceptance, they bug the shit out of everybody in the room with some drivel along the lines “I hope the bean dip was OK; I thought maybe I put to much cilantro in it.” Whenever I end up at a party with one of these people, I sneak off somewhere, drink two   cans of Spaghettios and fill a coffee cup with some of that “emergency-make-you-barf-juice” they use on overdose victims. Then I wait for Captain Neurotic to approach me with their whine over a quarter-teaspoon of what-the-hell ever; then I take a big-ass hit off that coffee cup.

Try it some time…the reactions are priceless. Hint: It’s best to stay on non-carpeted floors when you pull this.

• The person who just went through a break-up

Honestly, this person can screw up any social gathering, but in this case it is usually men who are the worst offenders. Raise your hand if you got to see a guy have a Super Bowl party meltdown because the” ex” who dumped his ass made a comment one time about how “Tom Brady is cute.”

4) Another exercise in numerology

The Giants become the 5th team to win at least 4 Super Bowls, while the Patriots become the 3rd team to lose at least 4 Super Bowls.

5) Once Again, The Dubsism Mantra about football holds true

Let’s all say it together…

The passing game may be exciting to watch, and it kicks ass in your fantasy league, and it even wins a lot of regular season games, but it is the ability to run the ball and play defense that wins championships.

– Dubsism is a proud member of the Sports Blog Movement

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

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