Dennis Rodman Strikes A Blow For Drunks Everywhere

Today, we are going to explode a big misconception about booze, namely that it always impedes athletic performance. Babe Ruth used to have a pint of bourbon for breakfast, then slam three homers. Ex-major league pitching coach Barney Schultz used to implore his players to “pound those Budweisers, boys.”  Now, according to CBS Chicago, we have Dennis Rodman.

When an athlete abstains from substance abuse, typically their career will flourish.

According to a report, however, that’s not the case for former NBA bad boy Dennis Rodman. The Hall of Fame center said he became “boring” when he got sober briefly eight years ago and that no team wanted anything to do with him.

“People wouldn’t even touch me,” an emotional Rodman said. “I was boring. I wasn’t the Dennis Rodman of old.”

So, Rodman really thinks liquor was the only thing that kept him from being “boring?”

Boring? Really? This is the same guy we’ve seen show at book signings in a wedding dress. This is the same guy who entertained us throughout his career on hair color alone. Even after his playing days were over, Rodman has been something akin to the love-child of a  sideshow freak and a soap opera star, two things which are about as far from boring as you can get.

The change didn’t last long as Rodman began to drink 19 months after testing out sobriety. Now, his agent, Darren Prince, said Rodman spends three to four nights a week out at various night clubs.

“He tells me, ‘Darren, I drink because I’m bored.’ And I tell him, ‘You’re bored because you drink.’ I keep telling him, ‘You can still be the bad boy, you just don’t need to do it out at night clubs until 2, 3 in the morning.

Wait a minute. If you can’t be the bad boy in a night club at 3 a.m., then just where the hell are you supposed to do it? Not to mention, when you are liquored up and in full-on drag in public, a night club is about the only place where you wouldn’t get arrested. You really can’t pull off that look at Wal-Mart and not expect to end up in the back of a squad car.

“I know if he got sober, he could get a coaching job. He could be a rebounding coach, possibly work in the front office. We’ve had many discussions with TNT and others, and they all say the same thing — he’s too risky, because they don’t know if he’s going to show up drunk or not show up at all.”

OK, let’s break that down. First of all, raise your hand if you can picture Dennis Rodman as any sort of coach.  Bueller…Anyone? Now, raise your hand if you can see Rodman as a suit in the front office…(cue cricket noises here). The most likely, most logical, and certainly most entertaining would be to let Rodman show up for a TV commentary gig totally boozed up.  How awesome would it be to see him put Jeff Van Gundy in a headlock?

I say let him drink. Let’s be honest, I’m on the verge of watching the San Antonio Spurs go to the NBA Finals, and they have as much personality as a Velveeta sandwich with extra mayonnaisse on white bread.  Basketball needs all the entertainment value it can get, and a liquored up Rodman could be the best thing basketball since the shot glass clock.

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