How The Dan Patrick Show Has Taken Over My Life

At last, our long national nightmare is over. Thanks to the NBC Sports Network, the Dan Patrick Show is back on cable.

Well, maybe it wasn’t a national nightmare, but it sure screwed things up at the Dubsism household.

First, let’s get through the boring “news” part of this story.

NBC Sports Network has acquired multi-year rights from DIRECTV to air The Dan Patrick Show, the renowned sports television show and syndicated radio program starring Football Night in America co-host Dan Patrick. The Dan Patrick Show will debut on NBC Sports Network tomorrow and air weekdays from 9 a.m.–Noon ET. A “Best Of” version will air weekday afternoons from 4-5 p.m. ET on NBC Sports Network.

To coincide with the debut of the show tomorrow, NBC Sports Network will relocate to Channel 220 (from Channel 603) on DIRECTV, which is adjacent to other national sports channels. DIRECTV owns and operates The Dan Patrick Show, which airs daily on DIRECTV’s exclusive Audience Network as well.

If you have Direct TV, you likely didn’t notice the absence of Dan and the Danettes from your morning routine.  But it certainly got noticed here.

Obviously, Dubsylvania is not a Direct TV household. Worse yet, the nearest radio station which carries the Dan Patrick Show is an AM station which happens to be just far enough away to where the show always sounds like I’m on a car stalled under a bridge.  Let’s be honest, streaming on the web never works as well as it should, and by the time I can get to a podcast, the show is old news.

In other words, since there is a television in my office, it tended to be on the DP Show, which was as much of a morning staple as coffee.

Let me put it this way. Without the Dan Patrick Show, morning television is a place more frightening than one of those “Halloween” slasher movies covered in offensive lineman butt-crack sweat.  If anybody were to judge America based solely on what is on TV between 9 A.M. and noon eastern time, they would think this country is nothing but deadbeats who when not hanging out at the payday advance place crave advice about our dysfunctional families from charlatans like Dr. Phil while shopping for catheters and motorized wheelchairs.

But that’s not even the worst part. For three weeks, I had to listen to the moanings of Mrs. Dubsism, who had become even a bigger fan of the show than I had.  She seems to have a fascination with Danettes.  She actually treats it like it is a soap opera  –  days that she doesn’t get to see the show,  I am under orders to text her updates on the antics of Dan and the Boys.

This happened because unlike the crap ESPN puts out, the Dan Patrick Show makes it a point to be more than just a radio show with a few cameras tossed in.

Amid the revealing behind-the-scenes antics and interstitial videos, the series is known for its unique blend of situational comedy, breaking sports news, unparalleled insider access and pop culture commentary. By allowing viewers to see the true comedy that surrounds Patrick and his team, The Dan Patrick Show reveals the humor in sports broadcasting while opening the locker room doors to the world of sports. Patrick’s on-air guests include many high profile athletes and celebrities.

Of course, this allows for the development of the characters on the show, namely the Danettes. For those who aren’t familiar, here are their bios from the DP Show website:

Paul Pabst (“Paulie”)

• College: Southern Illinois
• Professional Experience: Pro Football Weekly, CBS Sports, ESPN
• Odd Jobs: Paper boy, DJ at country/western bar
• Favorite Teams: Chicago Cubs, Liverpool FC, Yale football
• Greatest Athletic Achievement: The first year of grade-school football, I was riding the pine. We were on defense and we had only 10 men on the field, some kid forgot to go out on D. I ran on the field right before the play started and made the tackle. The coach told me to stay in the game because he was mad at the kid who forgot to go in. I started from then on. I still stunk, but I was like Clint Longley when the Cowboys’ Roger Staubach went down … but I didn’t punch out Roger the Dodger to end my career.
• Sports Heroes: Walter Payton (He didn’t showboat and played hard every week). Also Tony Hawk for making a street sport mainstream — he gets ripped by skateboarders but he revolutionized sports.
• Favorite TV shows: The Shield, Deadliest Catch, Friday Night Lights
• Executive Producer Todd Fritz

Todd Fritz (“Fritzie”)

• College: New York University
• Professional Experience: WFAN (New York), KMPC (Los Angeles), Los Angeles Rams broadcasts, ESPN
• Odd Jobs: Camp counselor
• Favorite Teams: Denver Broncos, Houston Astros
• Greatest Athletic Achievement: Once struck out 18 batters in a six-inning little league game. My team still lost 3-1 due to errors and walks.
• Sports Heroes: John Elway and Nolan Ryan
• Favorite TV shows: The Honeymooners, The Twilight Zone, All In The Family, Friday Night Lights, Saturday Night Live, Super Nanny

Patrick  O’Connor  (“Seton”)

• College: West Virginia
• Professional Experience: Hartford radio, ESPN
• Odd Jobs: Security guard, flower delivery person, Postal worker
• Favorite Teams: Notre Dame, Seton Hall, and the New York Yankees
• Greatest Athletic Achievement: My first year of Little League, city championship, I played for underdog Sanitary Fuel, taking on the heavily favored Progressive Firehouse. Bottom of the seventh, which is the last inning in LL, one out, bases loaded, we were up by one. I was playing left field and caught a towering fly ball (it seemed to hang in the air for hours) hit by Kirk Asterita and threw it in to second to turn two. Game over. When seeing the ball hit in my direction, my father was quoted as saying “Oh Sh**.” The city newspaper recapped the game the next day, saying “O’Connor, who hadn’t caught a ball all season … ” My big defense over the years has been that I didn’t have any balls hit to me.
• Sports Heroes: Muhammad Ali, Tony Hawk, Steve Balboni
• Favorite TV shows: MSNBC, Cash Cab, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage, Law and Order

Andrew Perloff (“McLovin'”)

• College: Dartmouth College
• Professional Experience: Fox Sports, MLB.com, NFL, SI.com
• Odd Jobs: Butcher’s assistant, flower delivery person, grocery clerk
• Favorite Teams: Philadelphia Eagles, Philadelphia Phillies, Philadelphia 76ers
• Greatest Athletic Achievement: Named MVP of Southeastern Pa. JCC (Jewish Community Center) 1982 Little League season. To be fair, I was one of few players in league who didn’t have to worry about losing his yarmulke when running the bases.
• Sports Heroes: Randall Cunningham, Julius Erving, Mike Schmidt
• Favorite TV shows: Simpsons, Larry Sanders Show, Flight of Conchords

Why the hell does this matter? Because at my house, for sports to remain interesting to Mrs. Dubsism means she will continue to watch sports.  The fact that the DP Show offers a cast of characters who have some interaction makes sports more entertaining.  If it doesn’t, I’m stuck watching the kind of bullshit she watched before I cam along, and I can take any more “zombie” bullshit.  ESPN can’t deliver on that because let’s face it…ESPN sucks.

That’s why this move is great for me, and great for sports fans in general.  Now that the NBC Sports Network is making headway into becoming a legitimate competitor for the “Mothership,” eventually not only will NBCSN get better (if nothing else, the Dan Patrick Show is going to replace three hours of unwatchable shit about hunting), but it will force ESPN to quit wasting my time with electronic sewage like “First Take.”

And I won’t have to listen to Mrs. Dubsism bitching about another morning’s television full of catheter commercials.  That’s a win right there.

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

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