The 51 Professional Sports Cities In North America and Why They All Suck

Let’s face it. Your city sucks. You may not see why your city sucks, because you live there. Much like skunks can’t smell themselves, being a resident may blind you to the mountains of suck that surround you. Trust me, I’ve lived in several of these cities; one of them is essentially my “hometown,”  and believe me, it sucks.  While I currently do not reside in a municipality on this list, I live in between two of them which are close enough together that they both bombard me with their suckiness. This is how I came to this perspective.

It is important for you to understand that I’m not writing this to insult your particular locale, rather as a bit of a fair warning so that in your journeys through you fair cities, you don’t stumble into a vortex of suck from which you cannot escape. Think of it this way…if one of Kanye West’s home-boys had shown him the caution flag on his involvment with Kim Kardashian, he might not now be forever shackled via paternity to that bloated ball of preg-whore. 

With that, here’s what to watch for in your sports city…

1. Atlanta – What else can you say about the capital city of a state founded by the British as a penal colony. Remember, they already had Australia for this purpose; the only reason they picked Georgia is because it had to be worse. 
2. Anaheim – The epitome of urban sprawl. Imagine taking the middle-class suburbs of Chicago and transplanting them to a chunk of Southern California that 50 years ago was barely good enough for growing juice oranges. 
3. Baltimore – There’s nothing quite like a city filled with 9-year old squeegee boys from West Virginia who will either hustle you for you spare change or flat-out kill you for it all so they can keep the city’s crystal meth industry thriving. 
4. Boston – This is the city which built the nation’s first subway, and its complete and total lack of maintenance is a visual reminder of the vintage of this system. Well, that and every time you get to spend an extra two hours stuck on an MBTA train because yet another switch froze in the wrong position and crippled the entire line. 
5. Buffalo – I once went on a business trip to Buffalo, and the forecast called for “flurries.” Apparently in Buffalo, that is a local term for a crippling blizzard that snow-fucked the entire city under four feet of “flurries” and had me stuck in an airport hotel for three of the longest days of my life. If that hotel wouldn’t have had a bar, I would have had to hang myself. 
6. Calgary – Just an overgrown cow-town. If it weren’t for all teh federally-mandated bilingual signs, you’d swear you were in Oklahoma. 
7. Charlotte – This is what happens when a bunch of people move to Mayberry.  While Charlotte is a large city, it might as well be a small-town filled with “Aunt Bea” and “Floyd the Barber” types placed smack-dab in the middle of the “Bible Belt.”  It’s no accident the Billy Graham Library was built in Charlotte.
8. Chicago – For a city run by minorities, Chicago has a police force that is decidedly unfriendly to anybody darker than a paper bag.  If one were to make an honest movie about the CPD, it would make the film “Serpico”  look like an episode of “Reno 911.” 
9. Cincinnati – Forget about what side of the river Cincinnati is on; it is the largest city in Kentucky. The three people most famously associated with Cincinnati are Jerry Springer, Larry Flynt, and Pete Rose. Need I say more?
10. Cleveland – Here’s a city where the river caught fire…more than once. 
11. Columbus – Remember the movie “Field of Dreams” where a guy built a baseball diamond in the middle of desolate farmland it the hopes that the ghosts of a bunch of baseball legends would come to it. Well, Columbus is like if somebody built a city in the middle of desolate farmland, and absolutely nothing or nobody interesting showed up. 
12. Dallas – There’s so much wrong with Dallas I don’t even know where to begin. Lot’s of states claim to have bad drivers, but Dallas is monstrously under-rated in this category. The typical Dallas driver is some doorknob who sees no problem with shooting across four lanes of freeway traffic to make an exit. Not only that, but the food choices in Texas get really thin once you exhaust your fill of either Mexican, barbecue, or steaks the size of a toilet seat. These people think Pizza Hut is the best possible pizza you can get, and to suggest otherwise is considered blasphemy. 
13. Denver – I have yet to see a city with worse smog than Denver, and I’ve lived in Southern California. I’m sure that the city isn’t responsible for John Denver’s selection of his moniker, but that music was so shitty they really should have changed the city’s name. 
14. Detroit – Tune in an episode of Hardcore Pawn and you will see all you need to know about Detroit. Not to mention it is the only city in America where you travel south to enter Canada, and there is something fundamentally wrong about that.  
15. Edmonton – Imagine a place with all the charm and excitement of Boise, but located above the Arctic Circle. 
16. Green Bay – Just a “Mini-Me” to Milwaukee. This city proves that alcohol thins the blood, otherwise every citizen of Green Bay would be dead of sausage-packed arteries by age 27. 
17. Houston – If you are ever traveling to Houston, save yourself some time and buy shirts that come pre-stained with sweat marks down to your belt. 
18. Indianapolis – The only city in the world where you can make Valentine’s Day dinner reservations at Steak N’ Shake. 
19. Jacksonville – Homer Simpson once described Florida as “America’s wang.” To that end, Jacksonville would be America’s taint.
20. Kansas City – First of all, it isn’t even in Kansas, whioch should tell you something. I know there is a Kansas City in Kansas as well, but you know that is just where Kansas City, Missouri keeps all it’s white meth-heads because their collection of black crack-heads grew far too large.
    
21. Los Angeles – This is a city where stupid, hippie bullshit is everywhere. The only people who move to Los Angeles do so become they come from somewhere infinitely worse, and within two years they move back to East Tree Stump, Ohio only to find out nobody has any respect for anybody who espouses any of this “new-age,” greenie nonsense. 
22. Memphis – Combine everything horrible about New Orleans and St. Louis, and you pretty much have Memphis. This bastard child is also exceptionally violent; Memphis’ incredibly high rate of violent crimes is second only to Detroit. To put it in comparison, the 1,218 violent crimes per 100,000 residents is more than twice the rate of New York City. 
23. Miami – People in Miami are without a doubt the stupidest and laziest people on the face of the earth. Doubt that? Then riddle me this: Why does a with some of the best  beaches in the world, a city which is the jewel of Florida, otherwise known as the fucking Sunshine State…why is this city literally packed with tanning salons?  This is a city populated by people who would rather pay money to lie on a cancer-causing flourescent frying pan than to simply fucking go outside.
24. Milwaukee – As long as Milwaukee exists, Philip Morris (the parent company of Kraft Cheese, Marlboro Cigarettes, and Miller Beer) will never go broke. 
25. Minnesota – Minnesotans love to tell you that the “Land of 10,000 Lakes” has a ton of lush wildlife. That’s true if you are a fan of mosquitoes large enough to require a stewardess. Let’s face it, your best shot of seeing wildlife in Minnesota is while you are on the side of the road prying deer remnants out of your radiator grill.  
26. Montreal – This is a city that wants to be less like the goofiest country in North America so it can be more like the goofiest country in Europe. 
27. Nashville – Easily the most boring, redneck, white-trash, racist city in America. Nashville is actually an acronym for Nobody Allowed Save Hateful Vile Ignorant Low-class Losers Exclusive. 
28. New Jersey – Has a place on this list only because the Devils are the one team willing to admit they play there. 
29. New Orleans – The rectum of North America. Anybody who says they love New Orleans should be forced to live there for two years.  We will then see how that love affair survives constant, real-life exposure to the shit-heaps who still think the old “betcha I can tell where you got your shoes” gag is clever. 
30. New York – Everybody who lives in New York swears it is the greatest city on earth, which is simply a giant collective act of delusion designed to hide the fact that everything in New York is old, decrepid, monstrously over-priced, and smells slightly of old urine. 
31. Oakland – Everybody has a room in their house where they stash all the old, worn out stuff they just can’t bring themselves to throw out yet. That is what Oakland is for San Francisco. 
32. Oklahoma City – This city is proof that God makes mistakes, and that tornadoes are his chance for a “mulligan.” 
33. Orlando – Take out the urban sprawl of Anaheim, modernize it’s theme parks, drop it in the middle of a typical shit-festering Florida swamp, and voilá…you have Orlando. Also, the same Denver/John Denver rule applies to Orlando and Tony Orlando. If only they had tied that yellow ribbon around his fucking neck.
34. Ottawa – The capital of the goofiest country in North America. Besides a bunch of hockey players, this city has only ever produced Margaret Atwood, Alanis Morrisette, and Matthew Perry. How fucking depressing is that?
35. Philadelphia – Everybody already knows Philadelphians love to boo Santa Claus and hurl batteries at sports figures they don’t like. What do you expect from people who consider a sandwich made from stewed lunch meat slathered with Cheez Whiz to be haute cuisine?  
36. Phoenix – The only reason Phoenix has professional sports is because nobody as of yet has figured out a way to put a team directly on the surface of the sun.
37. Pittsburgh – This is a city that loves to have pissing contests with Cleveland and Baltimore. That’s a bit like arguing who is the smartest kid on the short bus. 
38. Portland – Portland is the perfect example of the complete bullshit that is the world of the “new-age greenie.” These assholes pretend to be tolerant, inclusive, and enlightened, but a quick examination of the city they’ve built on these principles shows it is exactly opposite of what they claim it is. There’s no diversity in “Hippie Inclusive City;” all you have to do is drive through Portland to see it. You will be treated to a view a city full of newcomers whose visions of “urban gentrification” means driving real estate prices north of the level where any of the previous inhabitants can afford to stay. You will be treated to an exceptionally un-diverse population, unless you consider a mix of rich white yuppies, rich white hippies, rich white trust-fund babies, rich white homosexuals, and other assorted rich white kids from the suburbs to as representative of the American population as whole. 
39. Sacramento – By this time next year, Sacramento will no longer be on this list. Despite the fact the Kings did have some some great fans, Sacramento is a city which once built a tennis stadium in a mall parking lot and saw no problems with doing so. This is also a city where Frisbee golf is considered and acceptable form of sport. 
40. Salt Lake City – Just once I want to see the Jazz win the NBA title so I can see what a Utah celebration looks like. “Hey, let’s all go down to the lake and float! I might stay up until 10:30 tonight!”
41. San Antonio – The fact that they took a sewage canal, floated a few tour boats on it,  put some tourist trap-type bars and restaurants around it and called it “Riverwalk” only speaks to the audacity of these people. Even then, it still isn’t as popular of an attraction as an outlet mall. To top it all off, the food choices in San Antonio make Dallas look like Paris.
42. San Diego – This used to be a wonderful city until it decided to become Los Angeles, Jr.
43. San Francisco – Like I said, I’ve lived in California, and there’s nothing like watching dumb-ass mid-westerners show up in the City by the Bay in July expecting some “California”-style beach action. First of all, there are no beaches in San Francisco, and even if there were, you’d need a wet suit and a plan to deal with hypothermia to visit them. Despite the fact it is in California, one of the coldest winters I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.  As much as my hatred of the Dodgers makes me a fan of their rival Giants fan, they sell sushi at AT&T Park, and as much as I love sushi, that’s just fucking wrong.
44. San Jose – The red-headed step-child of the Bay Area.  You leave you heart in San Francisco, you lose your wallet in Oakland, and you lose your lunch in San Jose. Even Dionne Warwick wishes she forgot the way here. 
45. Seattle – The telling statistic: For decades, Seattle was the leading city in terms of suicides per capita until it was passed by even worse places not on this list, like Las Vegas, Tulsa, and Wichita. 
46. St. Louis – This is a city that can be best explained by something that can’t be explained. The major chain liquor store in St. Louis has a logo featuring a big-assed chicken. I’m not sure I know what that is supposed to mean, but I’m fairly sure I don’t want to know either.
47. Tampa – There’s a plethora of real cop shows on my cable package…Cops, Jail, Shocking Police Chases, Lock Up, you name it. None of these shows could exist without Hillsborough County, Florida, because all of them get about 75% of their footage from the greater Tampa area. There’s one area bartender I know (who shall remain nameless) that I think is responsible for this.
48. Toronto – Canada’s attempt at New York City, except they were smart enough to not let in any Puerto Ricans. Of course, that fact is also why the Blue Jays haven’t mattered in close to twenty years.
49. Vancouver – Take the suicide-inducing drabness of Seattle and combine it with the fetid squalor of Detroit. What’s not to hate about that?
50. Washington, D.C. – Nothing explains America better than the fact you can buy crack in the neighborhoods of abject poverty which are literally in the shadow of the U..S Capitol Building.
51. Winnipeg – This city was the epicenter of the Metís Rebellion of 1869.  While I was in college I had a girlfriend of Metís descent, and she was easily the craziest woman I have ever had the misfortune of dealing with. I can only imagine she is representative of the population of Winnipeg as a whole. 

There…no matter in which of these cities you may reside, there is no way you can’t say you were warned. As always, i’m just trying to help you people.

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