What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
With the NFL season just around the corner, it’s time for another two-fisted Dubsism rundown as to why your favorite team is a steaming pile of bullshit on whole wheat toast. Since your team eats ass, I’m not going to waste everybody’s time explaining why. They say brevity is the soul of wit, and what could be more brevity-er than boiling your team’s bullshit down to one sentence?
Arizona Cardinals: This team is on the same schedule as Haley’s Comet; once every 76 years the Cardinals don’t suck.
Atlanta Falcons: Instead of paying Matt Ryan over $100 million, you could have given Tim Tebow a bag of recyclable cans and got the same result.
Baltimore Ravens: The fact Ray Lewis has two Super Bowl rings stabs at the heart of all that is decent.
Buffalo Bills: It’s “Play-offs or Bust” in Buffalo…who’s got their house payment on “play-offs?” (cricket noises)
Carolina Panthers: North Carolina passed it’s “No Trannies in the Ladies Room” law just in time for their quarterback to get frosted tips on his chin-beard…coincidence?
Chicago Bears: 60 people get shot every weekend in Chicago, and Jay Cutler has yet to be one of them.
Cincinnati Bengals: Am I the only person who thinks Marvin Lewis has kept his job this long because he has pictures of Mike Brown fucking a water buffalo?
Cleveland Browns: This team is owned by the one guy who makes Jerry Jones look classy.
Dallas Cowboys: The MRI machine at Parkland Memorial Hospital will soon be named in Tony Romo’s honor.
Denver Broncos: The distinct possibility Mark Sanchez could very well be the starting quarterback has the Denver Suicide Prevention Hotline in full melt-down mode.
Detroit Lions: The retirement of Calvin Johnson leaves the Lions offense as palatable as Flint’s water.
Green Bay Packers: A picture is worth 1,000 words.
Houston Texans: Good thing they are in a city which can host a Super Bowl because that’s the only way they are going to see one.
Indianapolis Colts: They should change the mane of this team to the “Geldings,” but fans in Indiana could never spell it.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Can you really expect anything from a team with an owner who looks like the Iranian version of the Pringles guy?
Kansas City Chiefs: The “Lap-Band” offense…coming soon to Arrowhead Stadium.
Los Angeles Rams: The last time the Rams won a championship in Los Angeles, Harry Truman was president and Alaska and Hawaii weren’t states yet; that’s not changing anytime soon.
Miami Dolphins: If you’re a Dolphins fan, don’t waste your money on game tickets; go eat at Shula’s Steak House where you have a far less chance of being sickened.
Minnesota Vikings: New stadium, same-old sorry-ass Vikings.
New England Patriots: The Patriots are like a Thanksgiving dinner with the best Tom turkey you’ve ever had, but the only things you have to go with it are stale Doritos and stewed okra.
New Orleans Saints: I can’t wait for the Drew Brees Cajun Platter he’ll be hawking at Denny’s with all the other grandparents who eat dinner at 4:30 p.m.
New York Giants: One Manning down, one to go.
New York Jets: I actually think the Jets have a future…the problem is it’s in 2034.
Oakland Raiders: The rumor mills says the Raiders are moving to Las Vegas…at long last, that city is being punished.
Philadelphia Eagles: Now we get to see how long it takes to clean up the radioactive fall-out now that they finally got “Chernobyl” Chip Kelly out of town.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Three more years of Mike “Stymie” Tomlin at the helm and we can change “Steelers” to “Aluminum Foilers.”
San Diego Chargers: The best thing I can say about Charger football: San Diego has great weather.
San Francisco 49ers: “Chernobyl” Chip Kelly and Colin Kaepernick…a marriage made in purgatory.
Seattle Seahawks: With the “assisted suicide” of the Giants Tom Coughlin, Pete Carroll is now the NFL oldest head coach, yet he acts like the youngest and most hip; a trait which make him just like this old “Kids in the Hall” character.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 75% of all episodes of “Cops” were filmed in Tampa, and now Jamies “Fuck Her Right In The Crab Legs” Winston is Tampa’s quarterback…another coincidence?
Tennessee Titans: I’d rather listen to twelve non-stop hours of “Tennessee” Ernie Ford than watch three hours of Tennessee Titans football.
Washington Redskins: Who the fuck would have guessed that out of the Gruden brothers, JON is the one who got the smarts in the family?