Ask J-Dub – Episode 3

All you Dubsists out there continue to send in some great questions.  For that, we are grateful.  But better yet, some people who don’t like us are sending in stuff as well. While we can’t answer them all, the whole point here is to answer some.  As for those who don’t like us, there was one question which was commonly asked.  Decorum prevents us from repeating the question, but we can safely say the answer is “Because that would be anatomically impossible.”

No matter which side you’re on, if you want to send us a question, you can remain anonymous as far as the rest of the world is concerned.  While your question must include a real identity, you don’t need to worry about attracting a bunch of kooks sending you a lot of crap.  We won’t publish your email or twitter handle unless you request us to do so. If you wish to remain anonymous, just supply us with a nom de plume* like you will see on the following questions.

With that, here’s yet another bit of rough-hewn J-Dub style honesty you simply won’t find anywhere else.

*Nom de plume is just a fancy French phrase for “fake name.”

Question #1:

Dear J-Dub,

Will a #16 ever beat a #1 in the NCAA Basketball Tournament?

~Duke Sucks

Because I’m answering this question, it’s going to happen about twenty minutes before I publish this post so as to fuck me all up.

Seriously, from a pure statistical standpoint, even the most remote “1-in-whatever” by definition means that the occurrence of even the most likely event is within the realm of possibility.  Without getting into a collegiate-level “Prob & Stat” discussion on the innate difference between “probability” and “possibility,” let’s just say that it’s just a matter time before a #16 seed takes down a #1.

That means the question isn’t whether or not it will happen; rather it becomes about what happens first? Does a #16 beat a #1 before the NCAA expands the tournament once again thus making the question moot, or do you live long enough to see it happen?

Question #2:

Dear J-Dub,

How can the movie “Stripes” possibly not be on your list of 225 essential movies?

P.S. If any of you homos touch my stuff…

~Francis

Lighten up, Francis.  Don’t even tell me you weren’t fishing for that fucking joke.

But to answer your question, you’ve got to read the pre-amble to the list:

So, let’s talk about the list.  You will notice it spans all times and all major motion picture genres.  More importantly…it’s MY list.  Disagree all you want; fuck, make your own list if you so desire.  IMDB.com is full of such lists.  The point here isn’t if you agree with this list, or even if a movie you would put on your list isn’t on mine.  This isn’t the first time I’ve discussed this list publicly; I already know the movies people get all over my shit for not including.  Dive in if you must; again, you’re missing the point.

It also isn’t a ranking; the movies are listed alphabetically.  It’s about there’s no way ANYBODY who legitimately calls themselves a “classic film fan” wouldn’t have seen 100 movies on this list AND agree those 100 were classics.

Honestly, a list could easily be made of pretty damn good and/or popular movies which aren’t on my list; conversely, there’s movies on my list I don’t like.  The secret is in the list’s title; it’s about “essential” films…those which have achieved a “classic” status via one means or another.  It’s not about whether I like them or not.

Having said that, I love “Stripes.”  Despite the fact many consider it amongst the classic comedies in Hollywood history, it’s deeply flawed. Think about it; it’s really two different movies awkwardly welded together.

The first half of the movie is one of the great comedies of all time. You could take that part, flesh out the boot camp sequences so that it’s 90 minutes long at the graduation scene…which makes a perfect ending. If you doubt that, think of all the classic lines you can quote from that film. They are ALL in the first half of the movie…every fucking one of them.

But the second half of the movie may very well be one of the worst action movies ever made. It’s implausible, impractical, predictable, and certainly not even close enough to funny to be a parody. There almost too much wrong with to mention here; I’ll just say it’s a testament to how good the first half of “Stripes” is that it can carry the second.

Question #3:

Dear J-Dub,

Who will win the battle of Los Angeles football fandom: the Rams or the Chargers?

~Silver Screen Pass

Very few people under the age of 30 remember when the Rams were a Los Angeles team; very few people under the age of 60 remember when the same could be said about the Chargers. In other words, this race has both teams effectively starting at zero in terms of having a historical advantage.

Having said that, the Chargers have three things working in their favor when it comes to being the first team to capture the Los Angeles fan base.

The first is obvious. Los Angeles is the classic “fair-weather” city for sports fans.  Baseball fans in Los Angeles were all Dodger fans until they got crappy and the Angels won a World Series.  Now that pendulum has swung back.  Nobody gave a shit about the Kings until they started winning Stanley Cups.  The exception is the Lakers because they still have glamour even though they are amongst the dregs of the NBA.

Face it.  The Rams have sucked for the better part of a decade now, and that isn’t going to change anytime soon. Meanwhile, the Chargers are much closer to putting a winner on the field.  They have a bunch of young talent and a top-flight quarterback who has at least a few years left in the tank.

Second, in the short-term, the Chargers are going to offer a better set of home games at least as far as their divisional schedule is concerned. Charger games against Denver, Kansas City, and Oakland Las Vegas the Raiders will all be pretty good football games. What will the Rams offer to their home crowd? Two 30-point seal-clubbing at the hands of the Seahawks and Cardinals, and a slog-fest with the 49ers that will likely resemble the NFL’s version of the Special Olympics for quite some time.

As far as the “home crowd” goes, the Chargers could have a distinct advantage.  Even though it will be temporary, the Chargers could build a fanatic set of fans in that 27,000-seat soccer they will call home for at least two years.  Sure, it’s small, but ask any Pac-12 college football fans which is the most intimidating place in the conference to be the road team.  They’ll all tell you Autzen Stadium at the University of Oregon.  It may be only 32,000 seats, but the fans are right on top of the field; there’s less than 15 feet between the sideline and the stands. The proximity of the fans to the floor is why there’s a distinct “home-field” advantage in basketball, and if the Chargers are smart, they could build something very similar in their new, albeit temporary home.

Question #4:

Dear J-Dub,

What the fuck is your problem with Mike Krzyzewski? I’ve heard of haters, but seriously?

~Cameron Frye Crazy

I’ll be honest.  The only reason I’m going to answer this question is because I dig what you did with your nom de plume; I can’t pass up a great Duke fan/Ferris Bueller pun.  Now, if you could only  get Cameron to Frye me up some of that Abe Frohman sausage <bad joke silence>…

Bueller? Anyone?

This happens every year around this time.  People start web-searching “Duke” and “Mike Krzyzewski” and they notice a lot of articles with less than flattering headlines. Cameron, by simply asking that question, you’ve told me you are a “headline reader.”  That means you saw a headline you didn’t like, and instead of actually reading the article, you fired off an e-mail asking for an explanation for that which has already been explained.

So, I’m going to try this another way.  The condensed version of my issue with Mike Krzyzewski can be summed up in three sentences.

• He’s a hypocrite who has built the exact same culture at Duke he’s criticized other coaches for building.
• He’s an elitist who justifies his hypocrisy by extolling the virtues of big-dollar private schools over public institutions.
• He’s a dick who gets a pass on bullshit that gets other people fired.

Any further questions on this matter will need to include a specific reference to text from one of the following posts:

• Despite Mike Krzyzewski’s Accomplishment, I Still Don’t Have Any Respect For Him
• …And Mike Krzyzewski Is a Dick

In other words, I’m not taking anymore questions which have already been answered from “headline readers.”

Got a question? Send it to us. Got a comment? We love those too. You can email Dubsism at dubsism@yahoo.com, and follow us @Dubsism on Twitter, or on our Pinterest, Tumblr, Instagram, and Facebook pages.

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

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