At first, this one confused me.  I thought Kobe was beef, but a buffalo is a member of the Bovidae family just like the familiar beef cattle.  In any event, it’s a “first ballot” hall of fame name for an offensive lineman.

As for Stick, it’s too bad NCAA players can’t have endorsement deals, because there’s just far too many possibilites. For starters Easton plays for the Bison, which is in the same conference as Illinois State.  Perhaps he could partner with Mr. Buffalomeat and get the Slim Jim people to make the Easton Buffalomeat Stick.

That’s how you think outside the box, people.

Previous Co-Winners:  Edgar Allan Poe, Wide Receiver, Army and Weston Steelhammer, Safety, Air Force

The Bobby Knight Award for Achievements in Dramatic Public Meltdowns

• Winner: Teddy Atlas, ESPN Boxing Analyst (nominated by Passaic Aggressive)
• Honorable Mention: David Fizdale, former head coach Memphis Grizzles

When you put two crazy people together, it’s insane to think some crazy shit isn’t going to happen. That’s why the live analysis immediately after the Floyd Mayweather- Conor McGregor fight is our clear winner.  Crazy begats crazy, and anybody familiar with Teddy Atlas knows he loves a strange analogy; much like those who who know Stephen A. Smith understand he’s a master of “shout television.”

After the fight, Atlas compares Mayweather’s performance to that of a gourmet chef in the ring; as opposed to McGregor’s being a fast-food cook. Smith went with Atlas’ analogy, but did so in usual loud-ass way which both lowered the level of discourse and raised Atlas’ blood pressure to the point that he’s all up in Smith’s grill mimicking punches and screaming some incoherent drivel about “cheeseburgers.” I’m pretty sure I’m wasn’t the only person who was praying Teddy would cold-cock ESPN’s resident gas-choad.

In any other year, Fizdale’s epic rant about the crappy quality of NBA officiating would have won because not only was he right, but he nailed a catch-phrase.  There’s no denying “take that for data” got it’s Warholian fifteen minutes as an NBA meme.

The Bevo and Ralphie Award for Mascot Buffoonery

• Winner:  Cosmo the Cougar, Brigham Young University
• Honorable Mention: Erwin, German soccer club Schalke 04

Why is Cosmo a winner? Just check out this dude’s dance moves.

If you think rivalries in American sports can get heated, check out what happens in Europe where many rivalries date back to the city-state era when the sport of the time was capturing the other guy’s king and jaunting about town with his head on a stick.  One such rivalry is between Schalke 04 and Dortmund in the Bundesliga.  During this past year’s installment of this rivalry, Schalke 04 supporters felt they got jobbed by the referee, so much so the team’s mascot ran on to the pitch and red-carded the official.

Previous Winner: Every mascot in this video

The Budd Dwyer Award for Excellence in Career Suicide

• Winner: Former high school football coach Jim Sharkey (nominated by New York Dave)
• Honorable Mention:  Former Florida head football coach Jim McElwain

This story is so exceptionally unbelievable I’m just going to leave this here.  From the Spokane Spokesman-Review:

…a Ferris [high school] player came forward and said that while Sharkey was grilling, he turned with his exposed penis inside a hot dog bun. Sharkey said, “You think that is a big dog – take a look at this,” according to school records that listed multiple different versions of the same quote.

Now this is America where everybody is innocent until proven guilty, but this guy couldn’t have worse timing.  In an era where the #MeToo movement is getting lot of traction labeling every male in America as a sexual predator, running around with your dick in a hot dog bun spells the end of a high-school coaching career.

McElwain’s situation isn’t as egregious, but it is as inexplicable.  Much like there really isn’t a good reason to put your junk in a hot dog bun in front of other people, it’s pretty hard to justify telling your boss you are getting death threats, then offering absolutely no evidence to support your claim.

Previous Winner: Trent Baalke, former general manager, San Francisco 49ers

The Ed Hochuli Award for the Best Call

• Winner: The University of North Dakota
  
• Honorable Mention: This Boise State fan

Last March, the University of North Dakota made it’s inaugural appearance in the NCAA basketball tournament in Salt Lake City.  But they realized they had a problem because the school’s traveling band was already committed to accompanying the hockey team to its tournament.  So, they called a local high school in Utah and asked if they could borrow their band.  Deck out the high schoolers in green t-shirts and voilà…problem solved

Just up the road from Salt Lake City lies Boise State University, whose fans would like you to know their dislike of Colin Kaepernick stems back to his days at conference rival Nevada.

Previous Winner: Frank Kaminsky, Forward, Charlotte Hornets

The Jason Sehorn Award for Being Completely Overrated

• Winner:  Joe Flacco, quarterback, Baltimore Ravens (nominated by The Unknown Blogger)
  
• Honorable Mention: Jim Harbaugh, head football coach, University of Michigan

I was a Joe Flacco apologist for a long time because I managed to win a fantasy football championship with him.  I can also say the same thing about Jay Cutler. The difference is nobody in the history of ever called Cutler “over-rated.” But it is time to make that admission with Joe Flacco.

Here’s a guy who basically has built his entire career off an incredible five-week playoff run in 2012.  It was because of his performance in that postseason run to a Super Bowl victory the Ravens gave him $120.6 million contract, which not so coincidentally crippled Baltimore in the free-agent market because of that deal’s wrecking-ball effect on the team salary cap. The worst part is it isn’t as if Flacco had a phenomenal 2012 regular season;  he ranked 14th in passing yards, 15th in touchdown passes, and 19th in completion percentage.  That’s first-class money for a guy who simply isn’t a “difference-maker.”  If you doubt that, consider the fact the Ravens have had three losing seasons in the five since then.

As for Harbaugh, everybody who thinks this guy is a great coach tends to forget his “high-water” mark is getting dominated in a Super Bowl by Joe Flacco, then going to Michigan where he has yet to finish better than 3rd place in the B1G Ten East. Not to mention, Michigan’s collapse in their bowl game against South Carolina has his team in the early running for next year’s Dubsy for Epic Failure.

Previous Winner: LeBron James, Forward Cleveland Cavaliers

The Clinton-Nixon Award for Cover-Up Futility

• Winner: The National Football League
• Honorable Mention: Former ESPN President John Skipper

Every time I think Kommissar Goodell can’t do anything dumber than he already has, he finds ways to hit new lows.  The way he handled the national anthem protest was this year new low.  This situation required a decisive action; he either needed to full-on embrace the protest or gorilla-stomp it out of existence because politically he had to come out of that mess with one side feeling like they got what they wanted from him.  But by going “full gutless” by pretending that he hadn’t allowed politics to infect the game and giving a “neither-nor” response, he started a feud with the league’s most powerful owner and virtually guaranteed problems with the player’s union come the end of the current collective bargaining agreement.

Oh…in case you hadn’t noticed, the NFL’s television rating are down by nearly 10% for the second straight year.  Draw your own inferences.

When I first heard about ESPN’s John Skipper and his abrupt resignation, I couldn’t help but think it didn’t make any sense.  Nobody quits their job over substance abuse; they don’t have to once the Americans With Disablilties codified addiction as a protected condition for which one cannot be fired.  In fact, many employer-sponsored health insurance plan will pay for some form of rehabilitation.  That’s why this story tripped my “Spidey Sense” because when I’m not blogging, I’ve been in business and management for close to 25 years, and some of that time was in human resources; I knew this “addiction” story didn’t add up.  Clay Travis at Outkick The Coverage broke the story that Skipper’s tale was hogwash.

Previous Winner: The English South Yorkshire Police

The Charles O. Finley Award for Achievements in Cheap

• Winner: The University of Tennessee 
  
• Honorable Mention: Dean Spanos, Owner San Diego Los Angeles Chargers

The sheer level of fumble-fuckery in this story warrants not one but two Dubsy awards.  The first stems from the fact the brain-trust in Knoxville did a “Lucy pulling the football” at least three times to their athletic director by killing at least two (and probably more) hires by letting the guy negotiate an agreement in principle, then telling him they won’t pony up the cash.

All that needs to be said about Spanos is his team is now playing in a 27,000 seat soccer stadium, which is a monument to the fact he spent twenty years not understanding the city of San Diego was never going to build a stadium for the Chargers.

Previous Winner: The Florida Panthers

The Joe Kapp Award for Being Run Out of Town

• Winner: Greg Schiano (nominated by SportsChump)
  
• Honorable Mention: Dusty Baker and Joe Girardi
  

The second of two Dubsys going to the disaster that was the Tennessee football situation.  “Disaster” doesn’t even really do it justice. This was a dumpster fire on board the Hindenburg crashing into the Titanic while the shipboard theater was showing the all-female remake of Ghostbusters.  Not only did the University of Tennessee make itself look like every inbred Southerner stereotype, it guaranteed it will be quite some time before any “big name” coach comes anywhere near Knoxville.  Not to mention, the Volunteer fan base did a wonderful job of trashing the future and never was head football coach Greg Schiano by labeling him a “child molester” simply because he was an assistant coach at Penn State in the Sandusky era.  That’s the same mentality as shooting out your light bulbs so the sun will come up.

As for Baker and Girardi, it’s too bad Hallmark doesn’t make a card which says something like “Congratulations on making the play-offs. You’re fired!”

Previous Winner: Bob Bradley, Former Manager, Swansea City, English Premier League

The Bobby Layne Award for Best Performance While Drunk

• Winner: Baker Mayfield, former quarterback, University of Oklahoma
• Honorable Mention: Troy Clemons, West Virginia Mountaineer mascot

According to the Washington County, Arkansas sheriff’s office, a police officer was flagged down to take an assault and battery report at 2:30 on an early Saturday morning. The person who flagged the officer was yelling at Mayfield, who told the officer he had been trying to break up an altercation. The officer asked Mayfield to stay so that he could take his statement, at which point Mayfield began “yelling profanities and causing a scene.” The report stated Mayfield had slurred speech, had difficulty walking down stairs and was covered in food on the front of his clothing. According to the report, when the officer asked Mayfield to come over, he began to walk away. When the officer told him to stop, Mayfield sprinted away, which forced the officer to chase him and tackle him to the ground.

Staying in the Big 12, what do you do with a guy in a buckskin suit and holding a musket? You give him a breathalyzer during a traffic stop, at which point he blows a .126, which is good enough for a night on the courtesy of the county. Frankly, I didn’t know drinking and driving was illegal in West Virginia.  After all, this is a state where it’s legal to rape somebody as long as you are wearing a flannel shirt.

Previous Winner: Bruce Miller, Former Tight End, San Francisco 49ers

The Artis Gilmore Award for Achievements in Hair Boldness

• Winner: Mike Gundy, head football coach, Oklahoma State University
• Honorable Mention: Valentin Jalomo, Houston Astros fan

The Kyle Orton Award for Achievements in Partying

• Winner:   Odell Beckham, Jr., Wide Receiver, New York Giants (nominated by I’m Afraid To Tell You I’m A Colts Fan)
  
• Honorable Mention: Chris Hogan, Wide Receiver, New England Patriots

It’s actually pretty simple. If you are going to blow-up social media with pictures of you partying on a boat before a play-off game, you’d better win said game or you’re going to look like a huge dick.  This is only one of several ways Odell Beckham, Jr. painted himself phallic pink this past year.

At least Chris Hogan waited until after the Patriots’ Super Bowl victory before he engaged in what teammate Danny Amendola called “questionable activity.” We don’t really know what he meant by that, but rumors persist that Snoop Dogg may have played a significant role in whatever transpired.

Previous Winner: Rob Gronkowski, Tight End, New England Patriots

The Vasily Alexseyev Award for Plus-Sized Achievement

• Winner: Wayne Shaw, Goalkeeper, Sutton United
• Honorable Mention: CC Sabathia, Pitcher, New York Yankees

When you’re known as the “Roly-Poly Goalie,” you’re destined to figure prominently in the discussion for this award, especially when you’re caught on camera wolfing down a pie during a match.

With his club down 2-0 in a FA Cup draw against Premier League giants Arsenal, non-league Sutton United reserve keeper Shaw decided there was no way he was going into the game, so he had a snack. We only hope he also washed it down with a stout.

We really need to offer a “tip of the cap” to CC Sabathia, who had his best season in recent memory anchoring a Yankee’s pitching staff which came within a sniff of going to the World Series.

Previous Winner:   Joey Julius, Place Kicker, Penn State

The Jamie Moyer Award for Excellence in Geriatrics

• Winner: Tom Brady, Quarterback, New England Patriots (nominated by Critical Mass-Hole)
  
• Honorable Mention: Adam Vinitieri, Place Kicker, Indianapolis Colts
  

Let’s just cut through the crap here…what the Patriots are accomplishing now is 100% the doing of “Timeless” Tom Brady.  Without their 40-year quarterback and whatever time-defying experimental Russian ‘roids he’s on, the Patriots are not even as good as the Buffalo Bills.  If you you doubt that, put the two rosters side-by-side, and tell me how many times the Bills have a better player at a given roster spot. But Brady solves all of those problems, and the fact he’s doing it in his 40’s just makes me want and big dose of whatever he’s getting from those damn Russians.

I understand playing quarterback in the NFL is a tougher job than being a kicker, but the fact 45-year old Adam Vinitieri is still at the top of his game is no less remarkable.