I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve been known to be a fantasy sports geek. But you have to admit, this is a past-time that has crept up on our sporting enjoyment like an Apache raiding party thirsty for scalps. Fantasy mentality has firmly established itself in many areas of sports discussion; nowhere more so than amongst fans of the NFL.

Every NFL fan is now convinced that in order to have a Super Bowl contending team, it must have a quarterback that throws for 300 yards and 3 touchdowns every game. Naturally, this stems from the fantasy dictum that states it is impossible to win a title without the stat-whore quarterback. As far as “real” football is concerned, this belief can be shattered with five words – Trent Dilfer, Super Bowl Champion. Even in the fantasy world, I am a guy who can say with a straight face that he’s won a fantasy title with Kyle “Neckbeard” Orton under center. But the definitive proof the fantasy mentality is crossing from mania into madness arrived when two brokers at Long Island’s Intermarket Insurance Agency began offering fantasy football insurance.

Take a deep breath and let that soak in for a minute.

So, if I understand this correctly, the concept is that by paying premiums with real money, you can insure your fake football team. If one of your top draft picks blows an ACL or suffers any of the other 14,000 season-ending injuries common to the NFL, you can recoup your league fees, transactions fees, and even the cost of the quasi-useless fantasy football magazines with headlines like “Key To Success – Draft Adrian Peterson” you’ve been rolling around in since the NFL draft.

Does this sound like a good idea to you? If so, might I interest you in this bag of magic beans? Fantasy football is all about gambling; you have a lottery that determines your draft order, then you are left hoping your players produce. It’s called risk, and it is what makes the game fun. Removing the risk makes it like those kids’ sports league where “everybody wins.” Of course, all those leagues do is increase the odds Junior is going to discover an “alternate lifestyle.”

Let’s be honest. If your entire financial well-being is riding on LaDainian Tomlinson’s line in the box score, you’re in deeper than Ron Jeremy at his first audition. Perhaps it is time to do some self-evaluating; perhaps running a fake football team and the “laugh-at-death-live-on-razor’s-edge” lifestyle that goes with it is just too much for you. There’s no shame in admitting that. 

Maybe if you do it right, you can claim some sort of disability under ObamaCare, get some help, then you can worry about Ben Roethlisberger’s ankle.