11 And He said, a certain man had but one successor. 12 And that rather excitable young man said to his Father, give me the portion of gridiron control that falleth to me. And because the Father loved his possibly egocentric successor, he relinquished his wealth to him. 13 And not many years after that the son took his riches and won a respectable amount of games, won the Big Ten, ran a clean program, and earned a national reputation for motivation and talent development among he and his coaches, yet the good people of Pennsylvania felt even so that he had wasted his substance on riotess living. 14 And when the successor had given all there rose a handful of disappointing losses and the lions of State College began to be in want. 15 And when he turned to his people for support and encouragement they turned their backs and fed with the other like-lions.

16 The successor sought out the lions in order to dine with them, yet no lions gave unto him, lo they be called heretics by the other lions. 17 And when he came to himself, he said, How many SEC coaches have talent enough and a passing game to spare, while I perish among the leviathans of the Big Ten. 18 I will arise and go to my Father and say unto Him, Father I need help, bring me the one you called Galen Hall so that I might have his players and his passing game and have them both abundantly.

19 And he arose and went to his Father and then to the town of State College. 20 8-1 ensued but all was not joyous in the land of the Nittany, “Pass the ball more!” the lions shouted. 21 Yet the son was steadfast, turning his gaze upon the keeper of the leviathans, looking for him to lead them to the promised land. 22 Yet while his heart pure and his intentions noble the successor was not able to complete the journey

23 The lions grew restless, there were meetings with the Father, warfares in taverns, and rumors of the Father’s impending wrath. 24 There were rumors of insurrection, even banners flown to the heights of the heavens. 25 And in the final hours, the faithful retreated, following the one they called Galen Hall and others away from the successor. 26 The successor was left alone, only protected by the Father from the growing populace of angry lions. 27 In the final days, not even the Father could protect the son, because just as his son, He too was being overrun by the Lions. 28 The successor fled beaten and battered from the Nittany Valley, seeking shelter from those who might give him care.

29 The successor turned to the people of West Lafayette, who had been through the trials of Job (or at least Joe Tiller), for what seemed like a century, due to the failed recruiting at the hands of the Athletic Director. 30 And the successor was thankful to the people of West Lafayette for the sanctuary they provided, and in turn they were thankful for the successor’s enthusiasm, and promise of a defense that gave up less than 40 points per game. 31 But came a Saturday eve, the successor returned to the Nittany Valley to the home of his Father to again face the lions in order to restore his good name.

32 And with a thunderous “Ehhhhhh,” the Father said unto the son “Even though you were my successor, you fled and return in the cloak of a Boiler, and you shall suffer the fate of all Boilers that enter the Nittany Valley!” 33 And the Lions began a savage feasting on the flesh of the Boilers. 34 While the vanquished successor led the survivors on the trek back to West Lafayette, the Father said unto the victorious new successor “Make merry and be glad, for you are my son who I thought was dead but is alive again! Never shall come the day that we fail to beat those wretched Boilers by at least three touchdowns!”