Cooking With “Hamhocks”
By Bob Hamelin
Remember me? My name is Bob Hamelin, and I was the American League Rookie of the Year in 1994. But my affinity for fine cooking eventually caused me to eat my way out of the league in 1998. Now that steroids are banned, aspiring ball players who want to increase their bulk have to do it the old-fashioned way, by eating 17,000 calories per day of nothing but heart-clogging fats.
“But,” you may ask, “I lead the busy lifestyle of a major league ballpalyer. Where am I going to find the time to consume 8 meals a day?” Time is a concern, but with some tips from the “Hamhock,” you can become a bloated, wheezing lard-ass in no time.
Today’s tip comes to us from a place in Decatur, Georgia I discovered called Mulligan’s. They have a specialty called a Hamdog. The Hamdog is a greasy gastronomic orgasm on a bun, and it’s also a cardiovascular train-wreck. It’s a hot dog wrapped in a beef patty that’s deep fried, smothered with bacon, chili, cheese, and onions, and served on a hoagie bun topped with a fried egg and two fistfuls of grease-soaked french fries.
Just looking at this picture, you took in 6,400 calories
But for those of you who don’t live in suburban Atlanta, there’s a website everything2.com that has a basic Hamdog recipe. I’ve used that recipe lots of times, but over time I’ve found my own tweaks on that original.
You will need the following:
1 package of Hebrew National kosher hot dogs (don’t use cheap hot dogs)
2 lbs. ground beef
Chili (you may wish to make your own here or purchase a canned variety, in any event you will need at least one cup of chili per hamdog)
1 lb. bacon (optional, but if you go for it, figure two slices per hamdog)
1 lb. shredded cheddar cheese
Onions – amount to your own taste
1 package big hoagie buns
1 dozen eggs
Separate your ground beef into chunks between 1/3 and 1/2 lb. Press these chunks into very thin and large patties, basically as thin as you can make them by hand without them falling apart. The patties should ideally be oval in shape, with the narrow portion being almost as wide as your hot dogs are long. Cook these patties thoroughly, and while they’re cooking, cook your hot dogs, using whatever method you prefer. Fry a number of eggs equal to the amount of hamdogs you’re making. Make sure your chili is warm and ready to go. Prepare your hoagie buns for insertion of the hamdog.
Take a hot dog. Wrap it in one of the beef patties that you’ve cooked, and place this hot dog and beef patty combination on one of the buns. On top, place the shredded cheese, onions, and then the warm chili. Atop all of this, place your fried egg. Make sure the paramedics are on standby, then enjoy your hamdog!
"We've got a Hamdog eater down at Table 8!"
With a diet rich in Hamdogs, in no time at all you will have a belly button avalanching south of your belt buckle, milky-white blood, and most importantly, the bulk it takes to change the gravitational pull of the earth and to be unable to score from second on a triple.
EDITOR’S NOTE: If you haven’t figured it out by now, this wasn’t really written by Bob Hamelin. It was actually written by former California Angels reliever Terry Forster, who also became grotesquely fat. But the nickname “Hamhocks” just worked too well with hamdogs that we had to do it…
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