One thing that has been overlooked in the latest Randy Moss saga is that the man truly may be a visionary. Hark back to his last press conference as a Minnesota Viking; the one in which he announced that for the rest of this season he will conduct his own press conferences. Moss would be the one providing all the questions, Moss would be the one providing all the answers, Moss would be the one providing all the everything.

Maybe removing reporters from the equation isn’t such a bad idea. Sure, it may be a blow to journalism, but let’s be honest. True journalism has been slowly bleeding out with the rise of the interwebs anyway, so why not make another evolutionary step? Entities such as Twitter make this all perfectly possible; all one really needs is a smartphone and the ability to refer to one’s self in the third person; two things most athletes are perfectly capable of.

Let’s picture how this might work. First, you need somebody who likes to talk about himself, a characteristic that really shouldn’t be too hard to find amongst pro athletes. with any smartphone, he could Tweet questions to himself, answer them on-line, all while verbalizing all of this on Skype. It would be perfect; bloggers could blockquote until their hearts were content and fans could ReTweet stuff to their fellow fans. Instant, honest real-time communication; the ultimate goal of the the internet age. What could possibly wrong with it?

It would be horribly, mind-crippingly, shoot-yourself-in-the-face-with-a-flare-gun boring.

Can you imagine what a snooze-fest listening to some cerebral pygmy like Moss verbally masturbate would be? Here’s what Randy thinks about what Randy thinks.  I’d rather drill holes in my teeth and chew on aluminum foil while getting a lap dance from Rose O’Donnell all to the soothing strains of Kenny G.  Am I the only one who gets that it is precisely the adversarial relationship between sports figures and the media that allows for these meltdown moments, which are really the only thing entertaining about these press conferences.

But that isn’t even the big problem. The worst part of all of this, especially in the Moss case, is that I now am left with the conclusion that a professional athlete who makes millions of dollars a year is such a complete pussy he can’t handle a question. A guy who deals with rabid, drooling, neanderthal linebackers for a living gets his ovaries bruised by a question.  Seriously?

Here’s the deal, Randi. Those reporters are the same people who created your fame. If it weren’t for reporters, nobody would give a shit who you are. Go look at the sports where nobody has to do press conferences.  Would you  rather play Arena Football or in that UFL thing? They don’t have to talk to reporters, but that’s because nobody fucking cares.  Here’s an idea…if you don’t like the questions, try not being an over-the-hill douchebag. It isn’t the media’s fault that your skills have declined, and it certainly isn’t their fault that a simple question-and-answer session chafes your vagina.

As for the rest of you jocks, before you say something stupid in a press conference, take a moment to remember why they exist, what they do for your wallet, and that in this era of Twitter, blogs, and YouTube, all it takes is one moment for you to look like a crybaby forever.