By J-Dub and Meehan

Now that we find ourselves at the start of the 30th Olympiad, it is time for us to perform another public service by giving you a quick rundown on things you need to know about each event of the Winter Olympic Games. Let’s be honest, this is where you can learn a lot more about the Olympics than those moulyaks at NBC are going to tell you.

Alpine Skiing:

There’s two main disciplines here. Going down a mountain at freeway speeds (downhill), and going down a mountain at freeway speed while letting a bunch of flags bust you in the face (slalom). If we need to explain why travelling 85 miles per hour on what’s basically ice which slopes downward steeper than Obama’s approval ratings can end in massive hilarity, you’re not going to get the joke that this sentence could have…