The J-Dub Gambling Challenge 2023: The “Concrete Blonde” Edition

Given the title, you would think the theme for this post centered on the 90s altie/indie hard rockers Concrete Blonde. It doesn’t, but it could. R.E.M frontman Michael Stipe suggested the name when the band signed with I.R.S. Records in 1986. The idea was the name “Concrete Blonde” served as a two-word description of their style; an opposing combination of darkly-tinged hard rock music and lyrics that drill soul-deep…all the way down to the nether regions where your gambling demon resides.

Rather, this is a call back to a recent installment of Dubsism’s musically themed series Misty Watercolor Memories. That story was all about a delightfully-built blonde who once crossed my wake. The idea here is if The Commodores can coin a tune comparing a beautiful woman to a “Brick House,” then what could better than a stone-solid “Concrete Blonde?”

Having said that, the point of that piece was more about how every impression or conclusion as to what made this woman tick was almost always painfully wrong. If you don’t see the allegory to gambling in that, allow me break out my “cue cards.”

Gambler or not, Bob Dylan knew what was coming.

It works like this. Gambling gets you with the irresistible allure of a complete temptress. That’s why there is no depiction of “Lady Luck” in which she resembles Joy Behar. Once lured to Gambling Island by the Siren’s call, out come the fangs and claws to devour even the hardiest gambler…including “Yours Truly.”

Thankfully, the damage was mitigated by the fact that what is becoming known as “Week Zero” generally doesn’t offer the allure of tremendous paydays. That’s really the only thing that kept me from being completely devoured by the gambling demon, but I certainly suffered some bites and claw marks.

Translated into dollars and cents, the J-Dub Gambling Challenge Bankroll took a $113 loss, making the season total $4,888 down from the original $5K. But money is the life-blood of gambling, and no blood loss is good. However, as Yogi Berra would say “next week is a new day.” Let’s just hope by then I’ve figured out college football far better than I ever understood that poor blonde.

The Dubsism Legal Department…complete with extra cheese.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (mandated by our very own Small Town Pizza Lawyer):

Thanks to the Supreme Court, gambling is no longer illegal at Bushwood, sir. However, the Supreme Court can’t really help me unless one of them is willing to keep Mrs. J-Dub from braining me with a cast-iron skillet if she found out how many dimes I’m dropping on college football.

That means that as far as she knows, all wagers are mythical in nature and this is in no way, shape, or form a gambling advice column. In other words, if you lose your own “real” money, that’s nobody’s fault but yours, so don’t yell at me when we meet at the plasma center on Monday.

If you think you have a gambling problem, go find the 800 number on your own. I’m not a goddamn public service announcement.

The Standard Plays

  • Florida at Utah (-6.5) O/U 45 $100 Florida
  • Nebraska at Minnesota (-7) O/U 43.5 $25 Minnesota, $25 Under
  • Miami (OH) at Miami (FL) (-17) O/U 45.5 $50 Miami (FL), $50 Over
  • Stanford (-3.5) at Hawaii O/U 59 $25 Stanford
  • Texas Christian (-20.5) at Colorado O/U 64 $100 Texas Christian
  • Louisiana Tech at Southern Methodist (-20.5) O/U 66 $25 Southern Methodist, $25 Over
  • Ohio State (-30) at Indiana O/U 59.5 $50 Over
  • Toledo at Illinois (-7) O/U 45.5 $25 Under, $25 Toledo
  • California (-6.5) at North Texas O/U 54 $75 California
  • West Virginia at Penn State (-20.5) O/U 50 $50 Penn State
  • Coastal Carolina at UCLA (-13.5) O/U 66 $100 UCLA
  • Northwestern at Rutgers (-6.5) O/U 39.5 $25 Rutgers
  • Louisiana State (-2.5) at Florida State O/U 56.5 $50 Louisiana State
  • Clemson (-13.5) at Duke O/U 55.5 $25 Clemson

The Almost Always Punitive Purdue Bet

Since I live in the heart of Big Ten country, almost literally in the shadow of Ross-Ade stadium, those around me who know I’m a gambler will invariably ask me about the Boilermakers, so I might as well bet on them…

Fresno State at Purdue (-3.5) O/U 47.5 $25 Purdue, $25 Under

The Royally Ridiculous Line of the Week

Introduced by our own guest columnist King George VI (the grandfather of the current King Charles III), this feature is all about the line of the week that’s so outrageous, it’s almost as crazy as we Americans find the idea of a monarch.

Middle Tennessee State at Alabama (-39) O/U 51 $25 Over

The Dubsism College Football Heavyweight Champ Bet:

We went back to the very first college football game in 1869, and the premise is simple…you’re the champ until somebody beats you. The current champion is the Washington Huskies..

Boise State at Washington (-14) 58.5 $100 Washington

J-Dub’s Payday of the Week:

It’s like the game says…the idea is to hang on to your cash. That means this is the “big play” of the week; the one that should make today “Payday.”

Bowling Green at Liberty (-8.5) O/U 49.5 $150 Liberty, $150 Over

P.S. So I can’t be accused of being a “tease,” here’s a dose of Concrete Blonde.

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