My days of being a Philadelphia Eagles fan date back to Franklin Field, white helmets with green wings, and Roman Gabriel. In that nearly six-decade span, I’ve never seen anything like the last seven weeks. Going from 10-1 and a seeming lock on the #1 play-off seed in the NFC to a complete “black hole collapsing on itself” implosion to limp out of the regular season at 11-6 is nothing short of apocalyptic.

Ok, that may be a tad hyperbolic, but after last week’s drubbing at the hands of the sorry-ass New York Giants, one thing which is guaranteed is Eagles’ fans (myself included) will be breaking out their souped-up, tricked-out over-reaction machines. It’s already starting, but it will hit concert-hall pitch if the Eagles lay an egg in Tampa Monday night.

Here’s just such an over-reaction from a similarly stodgy “old fart” fan Eagles fan.

First of all, this isn’t the 1964 Philadelphia Phail-lies  It’s worse. Back in those days, only the league champions went to the World Series; there weren’t multiple rounds of play-offs featuring stumbling, bleeding out hulks limp-dicking their way into the post-season. Once the season was over, so was the suffering. Nobody had to watch the Phail-lies gag on a play-off series. Not only did the Eagles spitting the bit get the over-reactions going; just imagine the bile-spew that’s coming if Phraud-adelphia gets shredded by Baker Fucking Mayfield in Tampa.

More importantly, I can’t imagine a worse idea than bringing in Bill Belichick. If you like that idea, you probably still have calendars for 2014 and like drinking expired milk. Part of me “gets it;” he’s a big name, he’s a safe name, and he’s a fellow “old fart.” If you’re of sufficient vintage, let’s play a game you might remember.

You have to hire one of these guys; pick a door. Behind one of them is the last four seasons’ worth of Bill Belichick. Behind the other is a name old Eagles’ fans certainly will recall.

Door #1: Coach with a 36-28 record; 1-1 in the play-offs; one sub-.500 season out of four

Door #2: Coach with a 29-38 record: 0-1 in the play-offs: three sub-.500 seasons out of four

You probably picked Door #1. Congratulations! You just hired Rich “Decline the Penalty and Punt” Kotite. 

There was never a more perfect description of this man than this one offered by one our commenters:

“…a Rich Kotite press conference was like watching a balding 12-year old try to explain why he just blew the National Spelling Bee.”

~ sportsattitudes

Let that sink in for a minute. One of the most reviled coaches in Eagles’ history this side of Joe Kuharich was still a better choice than the remnants of Bill Belichick.

I understand if you don’t want to buy that comparison; it’s thinner than Rich Kotite’s hairline.

But here’s something that’s got some girth. The Eagles already have their first helping from the buffet of Belichick on their staff. Matt Patricia took over the duties for the defense just about the time it cratered into being one of the worst units in the league. Patricia spent 14 years with the Patriots between 2004 and 2017; and he was a valued member In the Court of the Patriot King (completely intentional King Crimson pun). 

Patricia worked his way up King Bill’s food chain, going from offensive assistant, to assistant offensive line coach, to linebackers coach, to safeties coach, and finally defensive coordinator. However, like so many other branches of the Belichick coaching tree, Matt Patricia has been an abject failure everywhere he’s gone without the nourishing umbilical from King Bill’s mothership. Just ask a Detroit Lions’ fan about the Patricia era as head coach in the Motor City.

As long as we’re asking questions, it doesn’t require an FBI-level investigation to discover what Eagles’ fans think of the defense under Patricia’s tutelage. Ten minutes after the top of any hour on Philly’s 94 WIP will answer all. But for those of you who might think reuniting Patricia and Belichick might just return the two to their former glory, consider the following while you are marking off dates on your 2014 calendars. Specifically, there are six fundamental flaws with the Philadelphia Eagles which are not necessarily fixable by any coach…be it the neophyte Nick Sirianni or the uber-Jedi Belichick.

1) The roster in general

Without pointing any fingers (there’s a big one of those coming later), there’s no shortage of talent among the 53 men wearing Eagle green. Now, that doesn’t mean there are some positions where the depth chart isn’t what it could be, and let’s not lie…there’s spots where age is a problem.

The age issues goes both ways, and covers both sides of the ball. The offensive line has a “long in the tooth” factor with Jason Kelce and Lane Johnson.

Conversely, the defense has a “green” problem all it’s own. That’s where the Eagles saw massive turnover from 2022 (that’s not the only time that term will figure prominently). As far as Philadelphia’s defense is concerned, at any given moment the Eagles’ can be sporting as many as seven rookies. On top of that, many of those youngsters are being asked to fill roles for which they aren’t yet suited.

Simply stated, that ain’t good.

2) Nick Sirianni is not an NFL head coach…and may not be one much longer

When it comes to coaching, this is the place to start. I never liked this hire; that’s how I came away from his introductory conference. That’s because without ever seeing Sirianni’s first game, he already looked Bambi about to get mowed down by a Ford F-150.

The first season under Sirianni was deemed a success by most, but it also established storylines which carried into Season Two. The Sirianni era starts with Jalen Hurts having what likely will prove to be his “career” year. But upon reaching the Super Bowl, former Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid exposed two things about that team and it’s quarterback. The one that matters here is that Sirianni struggles with diagnosing and addressing in-game issues. That’s how the Eagles lost that Super Bowl when Sirianni couldn’t figure out the pressure that was wrecking the Eagles’ passing game was coming from the right side. Lane Johnson was clearly not 100%, and Sirianni never gave him any help after the Chiefs started treating him like a subway turnstile.

Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie is “taking a more active interest in football operations. What that means for Nick Sirianni’s future is still too early to tell.” 👀

— @Jeff_McLane on his @Audacy podcast Uncovering The Birds pic.twitter.com/nyIg5LcC5T

— SPORTSRADIO 94WIP (@SportsRadioWIP) January 12, 2024

Now, viewing through that prism, go back and look Eagle football starting with that Super Bowl and tell me how many times you see Sirianni either not spot or not react to crucial in-game situations. I can guarantee Jeffrey Lurie has done that…and he didn’t like the number he got…hence “active interest.”

3) Meet The New Boss…Not The Same As The Old Boss

To be fair to Nick Sirianni, there’s a different skill set between being a head coach and a coordinator and the reality in today’s NFL is coordinators matter. That was never more evident than with the 2023 Eagles. Even when this team hit cruising altitude at 10-1, the signs of losing offensive coordinator Shane Stiechen and defensive coordinator Jonathan Gannon were plainly obvious.

For the coaching staff as a whole, the eyeball test getting tough to take…and it’s getting worse, especially after what happened against the Giants last Sunday. Anytime you hear words like “divisive” anywhere in the post-game media slush…well…that ain’t good.

Did you catch the theme here yet?

And safety Kevin Byard, new to the team this year, is being brutal honest about that fact..while also offering a theory as to one of the reasons why.

“I come from Tennessee,” said the former Titans standout, acquired in-season by Philly, “which is obviously a smaller market, I feel like it was very easy to keep ‘in-house things’ in-house.”

And in big-market, high-profile Philly?

“It’s very different over here,” Byard said. “I feel like there’s leaks everywhere…it can be very divisive in a way. It can kind of force players or whoever it may be to almost protect yourself.”

~ Eagles safety Kevin Byard in Sports Illustrated

You can carve up and parse out those words however you like, but the inarguable fact is stuff like this only floats to the surface on teams which have culture issues. In other words, the “team unity” noise echoes the best off the metal lockers in rooms where there’s coaching issues or a “death spiral” in progress.

Which one of those applies to the Eagles? #AllOfTheAbove

4) The Numbers: The Defense

For more fairness, giving the defensive play-calling duties to Matt Patricia when the Eagles did is a bit like being named captain of the Titanic ten minutes after it hit the iceberg. They kept Patricia’s title as senior defensive assistant, but he’s the de facto defensive coordinator now. But a rose by any other name still needs to pump out the water…and that’s not happening.

You can’t blame the coach for the personnel changes necessitated by the off-season’s events, but the performance of the players Philadelphia has on the field right now is all about the paid leadership. Everybody can understand how there could be early-season difficulties on a roster with so much change, but before or after the move to Patricia, the Eagles defense has ben sinking all season long.

The most problematic number for the defense as a whole is 2022 saw that unit secure the top spot as the league’s best total defense (posting the best team rushing yardage, team passing yardage, and total team yardage). Then, the Eagles were also the seventh-ranked scoring defense. But in 2023, those totals tanked down to 23^rd and 29^th respectively. 

But the most damning number for Matt Patricia is before he took the controls, the Eagles were allowing 290.3 yards per game on average. Afterward, that figure elastic-waistbanded it’s way up to 400.8.

Repeat today’s theme here…

5) The Numbers: The Offense

The good news: Eagles offensive coordinator Brian Johnson is reportedly going to interview for the Carolina Panthers’ head coaching job.

The bad news: He won’t get it.

Honestly, the best thing I can say about Philadelphia’s offense in 2023 is that it couldn’t overshadow the defense’s complete collapse. But like the team as a whole, anything complimentary to be said had to have happened before Thanksgiving. Since then, the Eagles’ offense has become that Cool Whip container full of leftovers you discover in the back of the refrigerator three weeks too late.

If you split the season on the same timeline as I did with the defense, the first portion sees Philadelphia averaging 389.3 yards, while in the the second that dropped to 333.3.

Even the “Tush Push” quit working…at least on the football field. We spent a whole season watching Jalen Hurts be on the receiving end of some butt play; now it appears he has a chance to explore being on the pushing end.

Just don’t get an “Illegal Procedure” penalty…be patient and be generous with the lube.

6) The “finger” that is Jalen Hurts

Here’s why I didn’t make the last joke about “Illegal Use of Hands.”

Obviously, anybody’s level of confidence is taking a dive when their quarterback’s throwing hand looks like somebody stepped on a rake. But this isn’t about which way Hurt’s fingers point; it’s about my level of confidence heading into Tampa on Monday night. Frankly, it isn’t great, but it wasn’t coming anywhere much better…and pointing out a major reason for that means pointing a finger at Jalen Hurts.

Time for some hard reality, my fellow Eagles fans. Like it or not, Hurts hasn’t come anywhere near his MVP-caliber season of 2022. But this is far worse than simply having an “off year.” Pick any offensive metric you want…passing yards per game, yards per completion, rushing yards per game, rushing yards per attempt, et al…they’re all significantly down with one major exception.

Let’s get back to that “turnover” thing. The season after the Eagles gave Hurts over a quarter-billion dollars, his interception percentage is the highest in his career…and by a significant margin. His 15 interceptions are 3rd-worst in the entire league this season and more than doubled from last year’s total. Nothing will crater offensive totals and put more wear-and-tear on an already over-taxed defense like turnovers. You don’t even need to get overly-nerdy with the numbers; it only makes sense that the possessions that end in no points for you and more scoring chances for the other guy…well…it sure ain’t good.

But if you want to break out the slide-rules, Philadelphia’s turnover margin per game was +0.6, which was 2nd-best in the league in 2022. However, in 2023, the number plunged to -0.4, dropping the the team to 23rd. That sure fells like something that helps take a team from a Super Bowl appearance to a likely first-round play-off loss.

This is the other thing Andy Reid exposed in the Super Bowl. The best way to get Jalen Hurts to make a mistake is to force him to throw on the move, especially if you can flush him out of the pocket to his left. Lots of quarterbacks struggle with that throw when their momentum is carrying them in the opposite direction of their passing arm. But you might think a guy who is lauded for his athleticism and his mobility would be better at it than most.

He’s not…and now everybody knows it. He’s not even going to “back door” his way into it.

Conclusion:

“Old fart” or not, every one of us who bleeds Eagle green need to have a heart-to-heart about this team. Granted, the Philadelphia Eagles have a room full of “champagne problems.” This team won a Super Bowl in the recent past, and has been a perennial play-off contender for the better part of the last two decades. The Eagles are the only franchise which beat a Vince Lombardi-coached team in an NFL Championship game and took down a Bill Belichick-coached team in a Super Bowl. But wrapped around those glimpses of glory is a lot of losing, which is why we Eagles fans are always thirsty, champagne or not.

That brings us to the real problem with the Philadelphia Eagles. There’s no champagne in this team’s future. For those of you who think Bill Belichick is the answer, here’s a homework assignment for you. Go tell me how much champagne there was in Belichick’s record when he didn’t have Tom Brady, especially in the last four seasons.

Regardless of what happens on Monday night in that overgrown after-birth of “Pirates of the Caribbean” they call a stadium in Tampa, the best chance for championship champagne in Philadelphia lies just down the block from The Linc. Nothing changes the chances of the Eagles hoisting chalices brimming with victory until they address this Deep Six.

Meanwhile, Citizen’s Bank Park is just down the street, and it’s just north of a month before pitchers and catchers head south. That starts the marking of calendar checks counting down to the day it’s the Phillies’ turn to break hearts in the City of Brotherly Love…again.

Repeat today’s theme here…

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