Hello…I’m J-Dub, and I’m a degenerate gambler.
There’s really no need to give a big preamble here. Saturdaius Primus is the first of the Twelve Greatest Saturdays of the Year according to the Dubsism Liturgical Calendar (Yeah, we know it’s now more than twelve, but who cares? If the B1G Ten can have however many goddamn teams it has now, then I can still call it twelve Saturdays). As such, that means the return of the J-Dub Gambling Challenge.
If you are not familiar with this challenge, this is all about a return to my days as a bookie. I start the season with $5,000 and I wager on college football. I bet both sides and totals and I don’t do that stupid “money line” horseshit (if you’re not familiar, those terms are explained here). Just like you, I have to factor the “juice” into all profits/losses, and you get to painlessly follow the potential hemorrhaging as we travel through the season.
2023 saw the bankroll get another doubling. 2022’s total ended up at $10,100 from the original $5K. Last year’s total topped that at $12.365. But as the old saying goes…that was then; this is now. All a good yesterday does is give me more money to lose today. That may be a bit nihilistic, but’s exactly the masochistic drive for self-destruction that defines gamblers. In other words, if there are games and there is breath in my body, I will be gambling. That’s what I do.
In other words, it’s a new season, and I’ve got a new bankroll. The gains of the past year are just that…the past. Three’s an old saying in baseball about how “everybody is in first place on Opening Day.” In terms of the Gambling Challenge, that’s a nice way of saying that on Saturdaius Primus, nobody has made that desperate Monday morning trek to sell their plasma yet. In other words this is the time of year when everybody still has hope.
And that’s the beauty of the bitch goddess that is gambling; where hope can become elation or desperation on the unpredictable bounce of a prolate spheroid…the “fancy” term for the weirdly-shaped American football.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER (mandated by our very own Small Town Pizza Lawyer):
Thanks to the Supreme Court, gambling is no longer illegal at Bushwood, sir. However, the Supreme Court can’t really help me unless one of them is willing to keep Mrs. J-Dub from braining me with a cast-iron skillet if she found out how many dimes I’m dropping on college football.
That means that as far as she knows, all wagers are mythical in nature and this is in no way, shape, or form a gambling advice column. In other words, if you lose your own “real” money, that’s nobody’s fault but yours, so don’t yell at me when we meet at the plasma center on Monday.
If you think you have a gambling problem, go find the 800 number on your own. I’m not a goddamn public service announcement.
As is becoming the tradition for what is becoming known as “Week Zero,” pickings are slim, but since I haven’t had a chance to lay my money on the line in eight months…
The Standard Plays
- Southern Methodist (-24.5) at Nevada O/U 55.5 $50 Southern Methodist
- Montana State (-11.5) at New Mexico O/U 54.5 $25 Montana State, $25 Under
The Almost Always Punitive Purdue Bet
Since I live in the heart of Big Ten country, almost literally in the shadow of Ross-Ade stadium, those around me who know I’m a gambler will invariably ask me about the Boilermakers, so I might as well bet on them…
Purdue is idle this week, but if you’re one of those really sick “Futures” players, as of this post they are +100000 to win the National Championship.
The Royally Ridiculous Line of the Week
Introduced by our own guest columnist King George VI (the grandfather of the current King Charles III), this feature is all about the line of the week that’s so outrageous, it’s almost as crazy as we Americans find the idea of a monarch.
Delaware State at Hawaii (-39.5) O/U 56.5 $25 Delaware State
The Dubsism College Football Heavyweight Champ Bet:
We went back to the very first college football game in 1869, and the premise is simple…you’re the champ until somebody beats you. The current champion is the Michigan Wolverines.
Michigan is idle this week, but if you’re one of those really sick “Futures” players, as of this post they are +2500 to win the National Championship.
J-Dub’s Payday of the Week:
It’s like the game says…the idea is to hang on to your cash. That means this is the “big play” of the week; the one that should make today “Payday.”
Florida State (-10.5) at Georgia Tech O/U 55.5 $100 Florida State, $100 Over
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