EDITOR’S NOTE: The Unknown Blogger has made several appearances here at Dubsism, and this won’t be the last. He has finally agreed to be a regular contributor here even though he left the world of professional sports journalism a few years back vowing never to return.
It’s OK because this blog is anything but professional.
This is a six-part installment of “The Deep Six” because the The Unknown Blogger has been in the American workforce long enough to have plenty of opinions (36 of them to be exact) on the people you find in it. You can see the other installments here:
- Part One
- Part Two
- Part Three
- Part Five
- Part Six
Most of us have jobs, which means unless you are re-incarnation of Mahatma Fucking Gandhi, we all have at least one co-worker we’d like to drown in a toilet stall. If you’re like me, you might just have more than one. The reasons why we don’t like them are as numerous as those annoying-ass people themselves. Let’s be honest. common decency and civility got euthanized in this country decades ago. Maybe I shouldn’t use that term. “Euthanize” sounds like there was a gentleness in it’s death; what we collectively did to common decency and civility made the St. Valentine’s Massacre look like it was preceded by a candlelight dinner with wine and roses.
Having said that, I’m here to break down the various types of co-workers we can all agree need to be lined up against a wall in front of a belt-fed machine gun. But to offer the age old test…As you look through this list, feel free to wonder how many apply to you.
18) The Over/Under Dresser
Raise your hand if you have either of these in your office. I’ve got both. Chances are like at my place, they’re both women. Dudes almost always wear the same boring polo shirts and cotton slacks or jeans, and regardless of gender, and “Super-Hero” or “joke” t-shirts tell all you need to know about the wearer.
You can’t call a retarded kid “retarded” anymore because now they’re all on some fucking “spectrum.” But it seems the “business casual” dress code has a “spectrum” as well. On the one end, there’s the woman who is completely over the top; too much brand-name outfit, inappropriately over-accessorized, shoes intended to look like they cost more than your car payment all nose-fogged in a cloud of a fragrance even the bourgeoisie stores keep locked up.
On the other end, you’ve got the hagged-out chick running around in a hoodie with an HVAC company’s logo on it from two ex-husbands ago. God Forbid she takes it off, because even if she doesn’t look like Homer Simpson in a couch cover cheap dress, “Skanky McTruckStop” will still be wearing a clean-ish t-shirt which will be clownishly too big. If not, it will be just too small enough to show off something which could be either a really weird stretch mark or a badly-healed C-Section scar.
Either way, where there’s a hoodie from an HVAC company, you know there’s going to be jeans which were bought with holes, which allow her bleach-white flab-thighs to poke through like bakery dough.
17) “Dead Weight“
These people are the most infuriating because they are useless by choice. There’s a shitload of reasons causing this, but the bottom line is these are the people who quit without leaving. Putting themselves into purgatory makes your life hell, because you get to be the non fuck-up who has to pull their weight.
As for the reasons, the “Dead Weight” person is almost always pissed off because they were transitioned into a role they didn’t want, didn’t get a promotion they thought they deserved, or just generally over-estimated their own worth. For as many as there can be, the reasons are irrelevant because as they check out while still pulling a paycheck, you’re stuck with them. They are as organizationally-immobile as the “Real” Supervisor, and it’s no accident that anyplace that has a lot of one invariably has a lot of the other.
16) The “Broadway Musical“
While the theme is “drama,” what separates the “Broadway Musical” from an every-day “drama queen” is plot development. Drama queens are “one-act” plays, even if they have a lot of them. But the “Broadway Musical” comes with sub-plots, twists and turns, and every other literary element which means bumping into them in the breakroom will cost you at least 20 minutes of your life.
The worst part is you’ve heard all of it before; you’re just getting the next act in the saga. It all started with a recent break-up, then meandered in to the search for a date to a friend’s wedding..and now guess what? They just met somebody on a “probably won’t get murdered” app and there’s a date coming this weekend!
It’s doesn’t matter if you don’t give a shit because you’re getting the full fucking show anyway!
15) The “Irwin Allen” Movie
This is really just an offshoot of the previous category. The difference is every fucking thing in this person’s life is a disaster of epic…and overly-dramatic…proportions. Let’s just say the “Broadway Musical” above was actually one of Allen’s signature “disaster” flicks.
They’ll tell you the same “break-up/wedding/new date” story, but then it turns into one of those “you pick the adventure” books; which ending would you rather hear? You might as well, because no matter what, you’re getting one of them…
- Date is a disaster all by itself. You lose, because now you’ll get to hear all about how lonely they are.
- Date goes exceedingly well. You lose, because now you get to live through all the “I’m in love” crap…until “Irwin Allen” ends up with a healthy dose of “crabs.” Go back to the “break-up” phase.
- Date ends up taking the “probably” out of the “probably won’t get murdered” app by being a copy-cat of the “Craig’s List” killer. “Irwin Allen” is never heard from again. Everybody wins.
14) The Una-F-Bomber
As long as we’re down to lists within lists, let’s talk about the cardinal requirements for being in this category.
- A certain degree of social maladjustment.
- Genuinely poor impulse control.
- Industrial-strength anger management issues.
Cube-neighboring with a “Una-F-Bomber” means you will be conditioned. Just like Pavlov’s dogs associated the sound of a bell with food, the sound of a Bomber picking up the phone will immediately have you waiting for the frigatives to fly.
Thanks to those requirements, even the slightest provocation can send a Una-F-Bomber into an office-filling tirade. You needn’t be the poor soul on the other end of the phone; everybody within ear-shot will be getting their full share of F-Bombs.
The best part: for all their phone blather, the average Una-F-Bomber is usually a complete pussy in person.
13) The Napa Valley “Whine” Train
Whiners might be the most inherently evil people anywhere on this list. Not only do they insist on narrating every second of their misery, they do it in such an annoying tone even the most sedate amongst us would rip out their voice-box with a gardening tool.
Don’t think for a minute I’m exaggerating about “narrating every second.” These ass-loafs find misery in every single thing from sun up to sun down…and the bedspring that pokes them at night. EVERYTHING!
Not only do they whine about everything, they whine constantly. With the election right around the corner, any candidate who will legalize feeding these people tongue-first through an industrial document shredder gets my vote.
As the “Countdown King” Casey Kasem would tell you, only 12 to go to get to #1…stay tuned.
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