EDITOR’S NOTE:  The Unknown Blogger has made several appearances here at Dubsism, and this won’t be the last.  He has finally agreed to be a regular contributor here even though he left the world of professional sports journalism a few years back vowing never to return. 

It’s OK because this blog is anything but professional. 

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Today’s Argument: Mel Kiper Has Lost His Mind

In case you missed it, ESPN’s noted NFL Draft fraud “expert” Mel Kiper went completely batshit on Saturday when another soon-to-be-noted fraud Shadeur Sanders found out the hard way what NFL scouts and executives really thought of him.

The NFL Draft is a 100% exercise in “money talks and bullshit walks.” The fact is Sanders walked his way all the down to the fifth round..the 144^th overall pick. Let’s get right to our “elephant in the room.” Feel free to argue among yourselves about the reasons why, that’s not what this is about. Instead, we need to talk about Kiper’s meltdown.

First of all, Kiper blew his cork because “loves, LOVES” Sanders.” It’s literally the first thing he says in the video above. Kiper believes Sanders is a top five overall pick. It’s at the 2:30 mark where Kiper gives us a glimpse of what’s coming when he defiantly announces he “doesn’t buy into any of that nonsense”…meaning being criticized for badly missing a prediction on a draft pick.

Don’t worry if you missed Kiper’s “Boomer Esaison in 1984” rant in the first video because he’ll repeat it in the second one. Kiper rambles through the story of how he had Esaison at #3 on his draft board, but some off-field “noise” saw the future NFL MVP fall to the second round. Kiper then drops names of other quaterbacks who dropped for similar reasons (Aaron Rodgers, Dan Marino, blah blah blah…)

Beside the MVP award, Esaison was a damn good quarterback for 14 years, and for a time was the league’s highest paid player. The odds of any of those things happening for 5th-rounder Shadeur Sanders are “slim” and “none”…and “slim” just left town.

When he was finally selected, Kiper’ defended his position by relentlessly tongue-bathing Shadeur Sanders on live television. But at some point, Kiper goes noticeably off the rails…and the other people on the set were witnesses.

If you were one of the majority of Americans who weren’t watching Day 3 of the NFL Draft, here’s your shot to see this shit-show. Kiper’s full commentary starts at the 3:25 mark. After that, there’s a timeline to watch Kiper’s march from discredited talking head to a deranged version of Count Chocula with an AARP card, punctuated by the reactions of of his fellow broadcasters at the World Wide Bottom Feeder.

• 4:17 – Here’s the first indicators that Kiper’s set-mates aren’t buying his bullshit. Pay close attention to Louis Riddick.
• 4:30 – Field Yates actually flinches at Kiper’s wild gesturing.
• 5:15 – Field Yates clearly wants to interject at Kiper’s increasingly emotional assertions, but Geriatric Count Chocula is clearly in “Senate Filibuster” mode.
• 6:03 – Kiper interrupts Yates to contradict him, even though Yates just tried to show some support by stating Sanders still could “be the best value on Day 3.”
• 6:56 – Calling out the nonsense in Kiper’s rant, Louis Riddick opens the door for their “elephant in the room,” the same argument about the off-field stuff that I’m also avoiding here.
• 7:19 – Kiper takes the bait and Riddick takes the deep sigh reserved for the “so, we’re gonna do this” moment. Pause the video here. NOTE: Make sure you have some popcorn, a beverage of your choosing, and a comfortable chair, because this this is about to get good.
• 7:44 – Yet again, Kiper shits on somebody trying to agree with him.
• 7:57 – Of all people, Rece Davis is the one to inject some hard reality into the situation.
• 8:41 – Geriatric Count Chocula goes full batshit when he says “The NFL has been clueless for 50 years when it comes to evaluating quarterbacks.”
• 8:57 – Geriatric Count Chocula thinks he has his “mic drop” moment, until Rece Davis inject even more reality.^*

When Davis points out “nobody has batted 1.000,” he didn’t just crack the door open to peek at some of Kiper’s foibles in this area…he “cop kicks” it off the fucking hinges. To their credit, neither Davis or the rest of the ensemble force-fed Kiper his own words; instead they graciously took the “let’s move on” angle.

I’m not that classy. Fuck this windbag.

I’m old enough that I’ve been listening to this shit-flume for decades. Like J-Dub said, you’ve got to hand it to a guy who has made a million-dollar career off saying forty years ago “The New York Jets have no idea what the draft is all about.”

I’ve been a Jets fan my entire life, and I’m one stale popcorn fart away from retirement. I’ve puckered my asshole and suffered almost the entirety of this franchise’s history, which means I know why the Jets last fucking championship took place before Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. I also know that being right on pretty much any negative comment about the Jets throughout most of their history is like getting the “free” square in Bingo.

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

For Kiper to have the A) balls B) mild-onset dementia, or C) all of the above to repeat his Jets-style “they have no idea” bullshit with Shadeur Sanders is some seriously rich stuff coming from a guy who said:

• Johnny Manziel should have been a #1 overall pick
• Lamar Jackson only had a future in the NFL if he switched to wide receiver
• Blaine Gabbert was a better quarterback than Cam Newton
• Jimmy Clausen was going to be a “star in the NFL”

Those are four massive recent misses on quarterbacks. Add Shadeur Sanders, and it really seems like Kiper is just as time for Kiper to trade in his “Geriatric Count Chocula” bit for the Cream of Wheat at the retirement home.

Change my mind.

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^* – Afterward, this video turns into some weird unrelated thing with some Asian guy playing wit paper pineapples. But this was also the best video showing all of Kiper’s meltdown.

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