Like the song says “I cannot lie.” If you’re a gambler, you can’t either when it comes to big point spreads. That’s why I’m convinced Sir Mix-A-Lot was a gambler, and his one-hit wonder was really an homage to those big, bountiful spreads we just can’t resist.
Since most MTV kids didn’t understand the finer points of the wagering arts quite like me, they missed the signs. Frankly, I’d forgotten them myself until this week’s smörgasbord of point spreads so big I just had to drop something hot on them.
If for no other reason, the J-Dub Gambling Challenge Bankroll backed into a net of $958 in Week 2 to bring the season total to $6,260…up from the original 5K. But this week, my anaconda don’t want none, Hon, unless that spread is -23.
Who am I kidding? I’ll hit anything.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER (mandated by our very own Small Town Pizza Lawyer):
Thanks to the Supreme Court, gambling is no longer illegal at Bushwood, sir. However, the Supreme Court can’t really help me unless one of them is willing to keep Mrs. J-Dub from braining me with a cast-iron skillet if she found out how many dimes I’m dropping on college football.
That means that as far as she knows, all wagers are mythical in nature and this is in no way, shape, or form a gambling advice column. In other words, if you lose your own “real” money, that’s nobody’s fault but yours, so don’t yell at me when we meet at the plasma center on Monday.
If you think you have a gambling problem, go find the 800 number on your own. I’m not a goddamn public service announcement.
The Standard Plays
- Wisconsin at Alabama (-21) O/U 46.5 $50 Wisconsin, $50 Under
- Clemson (-3) at Georgia Tech O/U 52 $150 Clemson
- Oregon (-27.5) at Northwestern O/U 48.5 $150 Oregon, $150 Over
- Georgia (-3.5) at Tennessee O/U 49.5 $75 Georgia, $75 Under
- Oregon State at Texas Tech (-23.5) O/U 61.5 $100 Texas Tech
- Mississippi (-7) at Arkansas O/U 61.5 $150 Under
- Florida at Louisiana State (-6.5) O/U 47.5 $150 Louisiana State
- Texas A&M at Notre Dame (-7.5) O/U 49.5 $250 Texas A&M
- Duke at Tulane (-1.5) O/U 54 $100 Tulane
- Minnesota (-2.5) at California O/U 42.5 $50 Minnesota, $50 Over
The Almost Always Punitive Purdue Bet
Since I live in the heart of Big Ten country, almost literally in the shadow of Ross-Ade stadium, those around me who know I’m a gambler will invariably ask me about the Boilermakers, so I might as well bet on them…
Southern California (-20.5) at Purdue O/U 58.5 $75 Southern California, $75 Over
The Royally Ridiculous Line of the Week
Introduced by our own guest columnist King George VI (the grandfather of the current King Charles III), this feature is all about the line of the week that’s so outrageous, it’s almost as crazy as we Americans find the idea of a monarch.
Texas-El Paso at Texas (-40.5) O/U 51.5 $50 Over
The Dubsism College Football Heavyweight Champ Bet:
We went back to the very first college football game in 1869, and the premise is simple…you’re the champ until somebody beats you. The current champion is the South Florida Bulls.
South Florida at Miami (FL) (-17.5) O/U 57.5 $250 Miami (FL)
J-Dub’s Payday of the Week:
It’s like the game says…the idea is to hang on to your cash. That means this is the “big play” of the week; the one that should make today “Payday.”
Vanderbilt at South Carolina (-4) O/U 49 $500 South Carolina
P.S. This is also the week I was asked to be a guest picker in a gambling challenge held by SportsChump, my blog brother from another mother. If nothing else, give him a “pity click;” he’s a Florida alum.
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