Hopefully, the graphic handles the “What the hell is a uvula?” issue. In a conversation that only happens in my house, there was a discussion as to what that weird little thing hanging in the back of your throat is called.

So, now that we all know that, we can move on to what this has to do with gambling. After the original inquiry as to the name of that thing that looks like a boxing speed bag in your mouth, the question became “What the hell does it do?”

That elicited far too much pointless conversation, and even some web-searching, all of which ended up at the agreement that talking makes uvula bounces up and down a lot. Is there a better description of a gambler’s finances than that level of oscillation?

The uvula that is the J-Dub Gambling Challenge Bankroll definitely went on an uptick in Week 4, hauling in $1,070 to bring the season total to $6,280 up from the original $5K.

Now to see which way the Week 5 uvula bounces…

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (mandated by our very own Small Town Pizza Lawyer):

Thanks to the Supreme Court, gambling is no longer illegal at Bushwood, sir. However, the Supreme Court can’t really help me unless one of them is willing to keep Mrs. J-Dub from braining me with a cast-iron skillet if she found out how many dimes I’m dropping on college football.

That means that as far as she knows, all wagers are mythical in nature and this is in no way, shape, or form a gambling advice column. In other words, if you lose your own “real” money, that’s nobody’s fault but yours, so don’t yell at me when we meet at the plasma center on Monday.

If you think you have a gambling problem, go find the 800 number on your own. I’m not a goddamn public service announcement.

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The Standard Plays

• Notre Dame (-12.5) at Arkansas O/U 64.5 $150 Arkansas
• Georgia Tech (-14) at Wake Forest O/U 51.5 $250 Georgia Tech
• Louisville (-4.5) at Pittsburgh O/U 58 $50 Louisville
• Southern California (-6.5) at Illinois O/U 60.5 $100 Southern California
• Auburn at Texas A&M (-6.5) O/U 53 $100 Texas A&M
• Louisiana State at Mississippi (-2.5) O/U 55 $75 Louisiana State, $75 Over
• Indiana (-7.5) at Iowa O/U 48 $100 Over
• UCLA at Northwestern (-6.5) O/U 44.5 $50 Northwestern, $50 Under
• Ohio State (-8) at Washington O/U 51.5 $100 Ohio State, $100 Over
• Alabama at Georgia (-3) O/U 54.5 $200 Under
• Oregon at Penn State (-3.5) O/U 52 $75 Over
• Kentucky at South Carolina (-5.5) O/U 46.5 $75 South Carolina, $75 Over
• Brigham Young (-6.5) at Colorado O/U 48.5 $50 Brigham Young, $50 Under

The Almost Always Punitive Purdue Bet

Since I live in the heart of Big Ten country, almost literally in the shadow of Ross-Ade stadium, those around me who know I’m a gambler will invariably ask me about the Boilermakers, so I might as well bet on them…

Purdue is idle this week, but if you’re one of those really sick “Futures” players, as of this post they are +150000 to win the National Championship.

The Royally Ridiculous Line of the Week

Introduced by our own guest columnist King George VI (the grandfather of the current King Charles III), this feature is all about the line of the week that’s so outrageous, it’s almost as crazy as we Americans find the idea of a monarch.

Massachusetts at Missouri (-44.5) O/U 56.5 $50 Over

The Dubsism College Football Heavyweight Champ Bet:

We went back to the very first college football game in 1869, and the premise is simple…you’re the champ until somebody beats you. The current champion is the Miami (FL) Hurricanes.

Miami (FL) is idle this week, but if you’re one of those really sick “Futures” players, as of this post they are +1600 to win the National Championship.

J-Dub’s Payday of the Week:

It’s like the game says…the idea is to hang on to your cash. That means this is the “big play” of the week; the one that should make today “Payday.”

Duke (-6.5) at Syracuse O/U 61 $500 Syracuse

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