- Today’s Movie: The Rockford Files – Beamer’s Last Case
- Year of Release: 1977
- Stars: James Garner. Noah Berry, Jr., James Whitmore, Jr.
- Director: Steven J. Cannell
This movie is not on my list of essential films, largely because it’s not a movie at all. It’s an episode from the fifth season of my favorite television show ever.
That’s because this installment of Sports Analogies Hidden In Classic Movies is being done as part of something called The 12th Annual Favourite TV Show Episode Blog-A-Thon, which is being hosted by A Shroud of Thoughts. Thanks to his devising and hosting this event, I get another opportunity to write about The Rockford Files.
You can see all the contributors to this blog-a-thon here:
The Story:
There’s a popular acronym today known as “FAFO”…short for “f*ck around and find out.” That had to be the working title for this piece; it’s the veritable mission statement for this episodes’ title character. Freddy Beamer (played by James Whitmore Jr.) is a flunky at Tony’s Body Shop, where Jim Rockford is a frequent customer given his automotive shenanigans.
It’s a bit “chicken or egg” as to whether Beamer’s infatuation with the detective business came before or after his introduction to Rockford, but it’s clear that Beamer idolizes him. It’s also not clear whether it’s Beamer’s glamorization of detective work or his mundane existence as a garage schlep that drives him to the “f*ck around” part. It’s probably a bit of both.
Rockford returns from a not-so-successful gambling junket in the Caribbean to find his casino debts aren’t his only problem. The first indicator is finding his car needs another trip to Tony’s Garage…after he just got it back from Tony’s Garage. As he’s getting a gambling lecture from Rocky and retrieving some suspicious answering machine messages, a truck shows up with several thousand dollars worth of quasi-credible detective equipment like a Naguchi XL 1500 Forensic Medicine Console. It doesn’t take long for the real detective to bird-dog Beamer as the source of his troubles; largely because the dim-witted greasy gumshoe-wannabe couldn’t stand out more as the prime suspect if you put runway lights on him.
Beamer entered the “f*ck around” phase when he decided to move into Rockford’s trailer and and assume his entire life. Not only does Rockford’s car prove not-so-steady Freddy lacks Jim’s driving skills, his sheer incompetence as an investigator has landed him in the crosshairs of some angry clients. One is a burly, violent, extremely jealous husband. The other is some sort of mobster who is involved in the fire-bombing of taxicabs and in his spare time offers 7-iron scalp massages.
In order not to get his skull cracked and generally get himself out from under Beamer’s mess, Rockford has to confront these angry people. Worse yet, he needs Beamer to come clean about the extent of what all he’s done. But Freddy is so delusional even getting shot doesn’t clue him to the danger he’s in.
Taking a bullet would qualify as “found out” for most people. But not for Beamer; it galvanizes his belief he’s now a “real” detective. Freddy doesn’t figure it out until his refusal to listen to Rockford requires Jim to rescue him from a mob hit.
The Hidden Sports Analogy:
Her a Beamer, there a Beamer…everywhere a goddamn Beamer. We all know a Freddy Beamer, somebody who is such a stumblebum they could f*ck a cup of coffee. If you are sufficient age, you remember the bungling of the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) during the O.J. Simpson case. That was Beamerism at it’s finest; they couldn’t convict a clearly guilty guy. In 2011, Major League Baseball (MLB) had its own case of 1st-degree Beamerism in the matter of Ryan Braun.
The Milwaukee Brewers’ star outfielder was coming off a Most Valuable Player (MVP) season when he failed a performance-enhancing drug (PED) test in October of 2011. This was in the peak of baseball’s “chemical McCarthyisn” over PEDs, although by now it actually had rules against it. Braun got caught “hot,” but MLB botched the case, thanks in large part to it’s own version of Freddy Beamer.
Anybody in any sort of law enforcement capacity will tell you a sacrosanct rule of evidence is the chain of custody; a provision safeguarding evidence from the possibility of tampering. Baseball’s “Beamer” was named Dino Laurenzi Jr., and apparently he slept thorough the Rules of Evidence class at investigator school.
For starters, when Laurenzi Jr. obtained Braun’s sample, he didn’t immediately take it to a Fed Ex facility as per MLB protocol. Instead, he left it a Rubbermaid container in his home refrigerator over an entire weekend. Because he had plenty of opportunity to follow the protocol by shipping the sample as soon as possible “absent unusual circumstances,” arbitrators ruled that the chain of custody had been broken.
Moreover, news of Braun’s positive test was leaked to the media in December 2011, before his appeal process was complete. The arbitrators found this violated the confidentiality of Baseball’s Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment Program.
All tolled, these errors on MLB’s part led to arbitrators overturning Braun’s initial 50-game suspension being overturned in February 2012.
The best part…Braun was guilty as f*ck in all of this. Eventually he would serve a 65-game suspension in 2013 after his link to Biogenesis Laboratories was discovered. Better yet, after he was legitimately caught, he admitted to having used a cream and lozenge containing banned substances during his 2011 MVP season while recovering from an injury. Not only did this confirm Braun’s denials were lies, it proved like LAPD, MLB couldn’t convict a clearly guilty guy.
The Moral of the Story:
The existence of the Beamers and Laurenzi Jrs. of the world are why there’s a legal distinction between “innocent” and “not guilty.”
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