“Yeah, I’m looking for a Jacques Strap…”

OK, time to get serious here, or at least as serious as one can get on a story about funny names. As far as fodder for fun is concerned, I thought there was no way one could beat Kyle Sackrider and Jim Bob Cooter. Man, was I wrong. Before I give you the names, use your imagination and conjure what could be worse than having one of these names in a sport filled with trash talk, then think about what could worse than Sackrider or Cooter?

Phil Atio? Nealon Swallow? Bobby Bowden?

Apparently, Eastern Illinois University has one Lucious Pusey. Now, when you stop snickering, flash back a few paragraphs. You know there were guys lined up to nail Pusey with trash talk, which probably has a lot to do with the fact that he has already legally changed his name to Lucious Seymour.

First of all, the name change isn’t going to disqualify him from award consideration; if you make the media guide, you’re in. We aren’t going to deny him just because of the sadness of the name change. It’s sad because he had a couple of options here that could have rocketed him to cool name super-stardom.

1) The hyphen – We normally have no respect for guys that do this, but how could you not love Luscious Seymour-Pusey?

2) The hyphen, with a “Goldfinger” twist – Lucious Pusey-Galore.

Those two names alone would have made him a natural for Miami’s 7th Floor Crew.

Now for the main course of name-related silliness, the College Football All-Time Name team. 

OFFENSE:

QB: Jim Bob Cooter (Tennessee) – the gold standard for student-athletes
RB: Richie Rich (North Carolina)
RB: Jimmy Johns (Alabama)
WR: De’Cody Fagg (Florida State)
WR: Darius Passmore (Marshall)
TE: Kyle Sackrider (Michigan State) – that’s just unfortunate…
OL: Shelley Smith (Colorado State) – Don’t say it – asshole…
OL: Joe Girardi (Miami) – Yankees manager doubling as UM lineman???
OL: Joseph Joseph (Louisiana-Monroe) – not a lot of creativity in this one…
OL: Hercules Satele (Hawaii)
OL: Jason Alexander (San Diego State)

DEFENSE:

DL: Colin Ferrell (Kent State)
DL: Avery Hannibal (Mississippi State) – gotta have this facemask…
DL: David Escobar (Ohio) – is this the guy that drugged up Frank Solich?
DL: LeQuantum McDonald (Baylor) – Yeah, but how’s his leap?
LB: Ian Handshy (Kansas)
LB: John Mark Patrick (Troy)
LB: Billy Ray (West Virginia) – must be very confusing…you’re just Achy, Breaky to say “Cyrus”
DB: Christian Okoye (Tulane) – Nigerian Nigthmare, Part II???
DB: Sir Darean Adams (Michigan State)
DB: Knowledge Timmons (Penn State)
DB: Ray Ray McElrathbey (Clemson) – for the rhyme scheme alone                P/K: Keith Toogood (Texas Tech) – this guy better have balls of steel…

HONORABLE MENTION:
TE: Vincent Chase (SMU) – must be the center of every party
WR: Maserati Jemison (Arizona State)
QB: John Van Dam (Michigan State) – must…know…middle…name…
DL: Untavious Scott (Troy)