I’ll be honest; I don’t really give a shit about the Washington Redskins because, well, let’s be even more honest, there hasn’t been a reason to pay attention to them in close to twenty years. But they have a rabid and devoted fan base and I share something with at least one member of that base; a complete lack of respect for Albert Haynesworth.

Redskin fan and fellow devotee of the “Open Letter” S-Dott has what may be the quintessential doctrine on Haynesworth.

Dear Albert,

I don’t like you. I don’t like anything about you or who you think you’re supposed to be. I’m not speaking just as a Redskins fan, but just as a man who values principle. You were given an absurd $100 million dollar contract by an idiot owner and have yet to prove that you’re worth a single dollar. In an interview with Bryant Gumbel last year, you waltzed in wearing what Gumbel referred to as “the largest diamond necklace I have ever seen” and yet produced only 4 sacks, only 1 more than heavy-hitter LaRon Landry, and he’s a f*cking safety for crying out loud.  You’re livelihood is your athleticism, yet you showed up to camp out of shape and couldn’t pass a f*cking conditioning test that  Mike Golic of ESPN  proved he could pass without suffering from over-exhaustion. Over-exhaustion from a ninth year pro? Please. That’s just a euphemism for fat-ass-who’s-out-of-shape.

When called out by Mike Shanahan, you cried like the insufferable b*tch you are, and you were put in your place over the course of preseason despite your laughable victimization campaign. In what I hope will a lasting memory in your legacy, there was a moment during the win over Dallas where you were spotted throwing a tantrum on the sideline by separating yourself from the defensive huddle. A camera spotted you, and zoomed in on your face where the entire world could see you were pouting  like the selfish, self-obsessed eunuch you are while the real athletes on the team were out proving that the team’s defense didn’t need you.

You’re a washed up has-been asshole that doesn’t deserve a job sacking groceries for old people, and as a die-hard burgundy-to-the-bone Redskins fan, I can honestly say I’d rather get a Dallas star tattooed on my forehead while wearing a Troy Aikman jersey than spend a single penny in any establishment that sells anything with your name on it. You are the worst player I have ever seen play for a DC team and I’d pay double the ticket price if that’s what it took to buy out your contract. The Washington Redskins are a storied franchise that represent a group of professionals that play in a man’s league, which are two characteristics you couldn’t be any further away from possessing. Do the city a favor and pack your bags and take whatever trade you can get, because you aren’t worth the busfare to send your fat ass to the next game.

Signed,

S-Dott

S-Dott, whoever you are, my hat is off to you and your perfect assessment of this nuclear-powered douche-nozzle.