The All-Time, All Fat Guy Baseball Team
In today’s installment of why fat guys can still be world-class athletes, what better example than baseball? After all, not only are we on the cusp of the World Series, but the greatest baseball player in the history of ever was decidedly a fat guy. For your perusal, here is the full roster for a team composed of all fat guys that were it possible to assemble all their poundage in their prime would squash just about any other team you put before it.
Manager: Bobby Cox
Years of bench duty combined with a penchant for Jack Daniel’s will put a paunch on anybody, let alone a future Hall-of-Famer. Apparently, you just don’t burn that many calories punching your wife.
Position Players:
First Base – Kent Hrbek
May or may not be sending out for pizza.
Hrbek had an off-season regimen of chili dogs and beer, then spent the summer hitting screaming line drives. Not to mention Hrbek was a tremendous fielder for a big dude.
First Base/Designated Hitter – Cecil Fielder
One of the proudest moments in my career as a baseball fan was being in the crowd when Fielder stole the sole base of career. Watching him slide into second was like watching that test plane crash footage.
First Base/Designated Hitter – Prince Fielder
Like father, like son…except Cecil never tried to sell us that “I’m a vegetarian” bull. I guess even broccoli will fatten you up if you drown it in enough Wisconsin cheddar.
First Base/Third Base – Miguel Cabrera
Cabrera didn’t start his career on this list, but once he made Major League money and didn’t need to subsist on a third-world diet of chicken heads and road gravel, it wasn’t just his batting average that ballooned.
Second Base – Ronnie Belliard
Normally, middle infielders are the epitome of speed and quickness, qualities usually found in smaller bodies. However, looking at this roster, one must remember “smaller” is a relative term.
Shortstop – Juan Uribe
Uribe could make lots of teams besides this one, such as the “All Weirdest Throwing Motion Team” or for a while this year the “All Frosted Tips on His Goatee” team.
Third Base – Bob Horner
Horner is one the only players in Major League history to hit four home runs in a single game and eat four large pizzas afterward.
Infield – Jhonny Peralta
Dyslexia is a terrible thing, being a fat fcuk doesn’t help.
Infield – Miguel Tejada
You must to have a compulsive need to be planet-sized if you are fat and take steroids.
Infield – Terry Pendleton
This team just wouldn’t have a complete roster without some switch-hitting, MVP-type fat.
Infield/Outfield – John Kruk
Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t, but when you are sponsored by Denny’s, you are undeniably “All-time Fat Team” worthy.
Infield/Outfield – Dmitri Young
How can this team not include a 300-pounder with the nickname “Da Meathook?”
Outfield – Tony Gwynn
How do you win seven batting titles? always challenge yourself to hit better than your weight. This is why Gwynn kept it on the safe side having five seasons in which he batted over .350.
Outfield – Kirby Puckett
Not only is Puckett one of the 100 Greatest Players of All-Time, he was the fastest all-time to reach 2,500 pounds hits.
Outfield – Babe Ruth
Simply the greatest baseball player in the history of ever. How do you not love a guy who has a breakfast comprised of 10 ball park hot dogs and a quart of scotch, then smacks three homers?
Outfield – Adam Dunn
To find a guy with more consecutive 40-homer seasons, you have to look above to Babe Ruth. Besides, Dunn knew that if you hit the ball over the fence, you don’t have to run.
Utility – Pablo Sandoval
Sandoval began his professional career as a catcher, and has since moved to third base, but can also play first or a corner outfield position. At his current rate of weight gain, he is projected to end his career as a stadium.
Catcher – Ernie Lombardi
Known as “The Schnozz,” Lombardi was known for his ability to catch anybody’s fastball bare-handed and the fact that his nose weighed 18 pounds.
Catcher – Mike LaValliere
Another catcher with a great nickname, LaValliere was known as “Spanky,” the fat kid from the “Little Rascals.” Actually, I think he was more like “Engelberg” from “The Bad News Bears.”
Catcher – Hector Villanueva
A mexican Mike LaValliere.
Pitchers:
Starting Pitcher – C.C. Sabathia
If there were ever a poster child for a “round moundsman,” who better than C.C. Sa-fatt-ia?
Starting Pitcher – David Wells
When a fat guy pitches a perfect game, he gets to lie about his weight, and the Yankees trying to get me to believe the 6’4″ Wells tipped the scales at 240 pounds would most certainly qualify as that lie.
Starting Pitcher – Sir Sidney Ponson
Judging by the first two entries on this list, you really have to do something special to stand out as a fat Yankee pitcher. I guess getting knighted in Aruba, then punching a judge and being kicked out of the country has to fill that bill.
Starting Pitcher – Fernando Valenzuela
As the song says, Fernando started as a sensation, and ended up outweighing a Brahma bull.
Starting Pitcher – Sid Fernandez
“El Sid” was a dominating pitcher for the first five innings of a ball game, at which point he became worried about getting to the buffet before it closed.
Relief Pitcher – Aurielio Lopez
Forget about Jennifer. Aurielio was where you needed to go to see a Lopez with a giant butt.
Relief Pitcher – Charlie Kerfeld
It shouldn’t be a surprise that Houston was home to a few big, big relievers. After all, NASA was close by to help with tracking planet-sized objects.
Relief Pitcher – Rich Garces
When your nickname is “El Guapo,”
doesn’t that pretty much say it all?
Relief Pitcher – Mike Fetters
The reverse of the relationship between Mike LaValliere and Hector Villanueva. Fetters is simply an Anglo version of “El Guapo.”
Relief Pitcher – Bobby Jenks
The pink goatee is all about man-breast cancer awareness.
There’s a rumor that the soft-spoken, quiet Ozzie Guillen once signaled to the bullpen for the “wide” guy. Given his thick accent, he probably just said “right.” Either way, Jenks is righteous fat.
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awesome post. Alarming number of tigers and ex tigers on the list. For second base i nominate carlos baerga.
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As always, lists like this have a glaring omission. Nice catch on Baerga…
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A special award for Kruk…fat with Mullet!
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When I was a boy-I’m 57-there was a catcher/first baseman named Forrest “Smokey”
Burgess who was about 5’8”,210 lb-my size exactly,but I’ve got 17.25” biceps-who couldn’t run as fast as either Fielder,but was a GREAT pinch-hitter until he retired in ’67.Were there a designated hitter then,Smokey would likely still be playing!!!(Except,
Burgess died in ’91 at age 64!!!)
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On July 29, 1955, Burgess hit three home runs and had nine runs batted in during a game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Burgess was the Pirates’ catcher on May 26, 1959 when Harvey Haddix took a perfect game into the 13th inning against the Milwaukee Braves before losing. The next year, Burgess won a World Series with the Pirates in 1960, batting .333 in the seven-game series. His Major League record of 145 career pinch hits stood until 1979 when broken by f—ing Dodger Manny Mota. At the time of his retirement, Burgess’ career batting average was in the top ten all-time for a catcher.
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Thenbecause I’m a life-long Detroit Tigers fan,there’s the unforgettable-for his clutch
pinch-hitting and girth,perhaps not in that particular order,William James “Gates”
Brown.”The Gator” was listed at 5’11”,215-220.,but likely didn’t see the under-sied of 250 through most of his career.Anyway,in the Tigers’ ’68 World Championship season,Gates’ best campaign,he slid into second on a close play,and the hot dog and mustard he put into his uniform back pocket exploded,showering everyone at second in condiment and meat.The unamused manager,Mayo Smith,fined Brown
$100 for his hunger,but the Gator wasn’t dterred,and was much more careful where
on his person he hid his contraband snacks!!!
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Great list, but you need some lefty bats off the bench like Lenny Harris and Rusty Staub!!!
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Two great mentions! At least Rusty Staub wasn’t always big…
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Reblogged this on Sports Blog Movement and commented:
Because I saw a Tigers/White Sox game today that features three guys on this team, why not another visit to the Dubsism archives?
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Two points:
1. John Kruk lost about 15 pounds when he lost the testicle.
2. Although its been more than 40 years since I saw him pitch, I could swear that Denny McLain* should be on the list. He was either a very large guy or he was just plain fat.
* If McLain doesn’t make the all fat-team, maybe he can make the all-felon team.
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There were a lot of pitchers who were considered for the All Fat Guy team. You will notice there is no Bartolo Colon, no Terry Forster, and no David West.
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Where’s Greg Luzinski? I remember him looking rather svelte in those horrible White Sox uniforms circa 1983.
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The White Sox were wearing those 1983 togs the other day, and Adam Dunn fills them out rather nicely. Not quite as paunchy as Luzinski, but still in a “could use some Stairmaster time” sort of way.
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Where’s Lou Piniella?
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Lou Piniella didn’t get fat until he managed the Cubs, and even then there were waaaay fatter managers.
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I’d probably have to throw Luzinski in there somewhere as well. Damn, gotta love that Kerfeld mullet. Haven’t seen that one in forever.
And I know it’s not nice to poke fun at guys with medical conditions but Tony Gwynn has become perfectly spherical. Has anyone checked that dude’s gravitational pull yet?
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I always thought Lasorda was plenty fat.
At catcher: The Molina Brothers.
While playing for the Giants the announcers once noted that 3rd baseman Charlie Hayes could “flat hit”. I don’t think there’s an ‘L’ in ‘fat’.
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No Bartolo on this list is a travesty
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