Dubsism

What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions

Sports Cliches: What They Want You To Think vs. What They Really Mean

Lately, we’ve had a lot of controversy in sports, dust-ups requiring the almost flagrant use of cliches. To paraphrase Crash Davis from Bull Durham: “Cliches are important, get to know them.  Of course they’re boring, that’s the point.” Cliches in sport are an exercise in Politico-speak; an exercise in saying things without saying things. Since we live in a culture that “can’t handle the truth,” perhaps it is time some of the most commonly used cliches were properly translated. After all, despite the romanticism, there are still certain things you can’t say.

The Cliche: “We have to take it one game at a time.”

What They Want You To Think It Means: “Rest easy, fans, all those off-the-field problems have nothing to do with our six-turnover performance, and our coaching staff firmly believes that we have the talent and the leadership as a team to overcome any adversity.”

What It Really Means: “We have a serious problem that threatens to prison-rape our whole season, and we are don’t have the foggiest notion that our “solution” will work, so at this point were are just hoping we don’t get our asses handed to us again on Sunday.”

The Cliche: “He’s a great ‘clubhouse’ guy.”

What They Want You To Think It Means: “Even though (insert jock-under-fire here) has had his struggles, he’s a leader on this team and the rest of the guys really look up to him.”

What It Really Means: “For us to get a meaningful athletic performance out this hump, we would have to move our stadium to the no-tell motel where “Captain Skin-Flute” has been banging cocktail waitresses two at a time.  As far as leadership is concerned, he couldn’t lead a pack of starving wolves to fresh meat. If it weren’t for his bazillion-dollar contract, he’d be as gone as yesterday’s lunch.”

The Cliche: “Those guys put their pants on one leg at a time just like we do.”

What They Want You To Think It Means: This is a tough one, because it can be applied either way; it can be subtle pity for a team you just shit-hammered, or it can be a reminder that those guys who just bare-butt spanked you on national television are in fact not gods.

What It Really Means: “Regardless of results, we as a team aren’t man enough to claim our victories with humility, or to accept our defeats with grace, so we will just cover our own douchiness with meaningless clap-trap.”

The Cliche: “We just need to focus on the positives”

What They Want You To Think It Means: Since you usually only hear this right before the team bus plummets off the proverbial cliff, they want you to think there ARE positives.

What It Really Means: “We are so screwed, we don’t even know how screwed we are.” Last week’s Dallas Cowboys’ presser offered a classic example of this, when Wade Phillips said “If I knew what to do, I’d be doing it.”

The Cliche: “There’s a lot of season left, it’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon.”

What They Want You To Think It Means: “We are not finished yet.”

What It Really Means: “Stick a fork in us. We’re done.”

The Cliche: “That was taken out of context/I was misquoted.”

What They Want You To Think It Means: “Whatever offensive comment attributed to me that is circulating in the media really didn’t happen. It was a misunderstanding.”

What It Really Means: “Hell, if you think that was offensive, you should hear what I really said.”

The Cliche: “I’m not here to dwell on the past”

What They Want You To Think It Means: “No matter what transpired to get us here, no matter what microencephalic decisions we’ve made to ruin this season, there’s still a future for all of us to focus on.”

What It Really Means: “If you are outraged over the stupidity and incompetence you’ve seen so far, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!”

The Cliche: “They’re a disciplined group.”

What They Want You To Think It Means: “We have a lot of respect for their organizational philosophy and team leadership.”

What It Really Means: This is the sports equivalent of describing a knuckle-dragger of a girl as having “a great personality.”  In other words, this is what you say when you are playing a team that lacks any other positive attribute, such as talent, athleticism, or character.

The Cliche: “I just want to thank God.”

What They Want You To Think It Means: “God makes all that I have been blessed with possible, and God is why I am where I am today.”

What It Really Means: “By pretending to be a religious man, nobody will pay attention to the fact that I use steroids, have eighteen illegitimate children , that I’ve gambled away most of my fortune on dog-fighting and what I didn’t blow gambling I spent on hookers and blow, and, uh…..oh yeah, those two guys I stabbed to death that nobody has found about yet.

The Cliche: “This is a great sports town.”

What They Want You To Think It Means: “This is a great sports town because no town has incredible fans like this one!”

What It Really Means: “This town sucks for everything other than sports.” (We like to call this one the Randy Moss Caterer rule).

The Cliche: “There’s no I in Team.”

What They Want You To -Think It Means:  “Even though I’m a five-time all-star who just got traded to this team of suck-asses, rest assured that I will not become a cancer in the clubhouse and I will use mu position as a leader to make this a playoff team.”

What It Really Means: “There’s also no team on my $20-million, so y’all can suck it, bitches (we like to call this the Randy Moss in General rule)

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

One comment on “Sports Cliches: What They Want You To Think vs. What They Really Mean

  1. brouhahasports
    November 5, 2010

    i am ,not here to talk about the past = yes, i really took roids but my kid is probabaly watching me on tv

    Like

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This entry was posted on November 4, 2010 by in Sports Media and tagged , , .

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