Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The Kansas City Chiefs

Every year about this time, it is tradition here at Dubsism to write a piece trashing the Super Bowl contestants.  The reason why we do this is actually rather simple.  The Super Bowl is the biggest sports event in America, and as such, it draws in all the casual fans who don’t pay attention to football until now.  That means those of us who watch all the sports we can need to provide crucial information the newly-arriving fan may not know.

As Americans, despite all of our varying levels of interest in the National Football League, in the immortal words of our own Boyd Bergquist, Super Bowl Sunday is the one day that even people who don’t give a damn about football watch football. Christmas is when we gather with families, but Super Bowl Sunday is when we gather with friends. and co-workers. That why we provide the “Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For” series so you won’t look like as much of an asshole to those people come Monday.

In this installment, we’re here to tell you why you shouldn’t cheer for the Kansas City Chiefs.

Pat…Not Patrick Mahomes

This might only matter to a few select baseball fans, most notably those of the Minnesota Twins. To those of us who remember the senior Mahomes, all we think of is the nearly $3 million he stole while posing as a Major League starting pitcher. Fans of the Mets, Red Sox, Cubs, Rangers, and Pirates can all get in on this; if Pat Mahomes committed theft-by-fraud on your baseball team, you’re not likely to support his crotch-fruit.

Now, if Patrick were willing to write some checks to cover the stolen by his father…

The Death of AndyBurger

If Andy Reid knocks down a second straight Super Bowl, he’s a lock to be a bronze bust in Canton. You would think at that point, I would need to retire this somewhat disrespectful meme. But as a Philadelphia Eagle fan, I can’t forget the losses of four NFC Championship games and 1 Super Bowl.

Besides, I love this gag.

That God-Awful “War Chant” thing

I hit on this last year, but now with a Super Bowl win under their feathered head-dress, Chiefs fans have increased the obnoxiousness level with this by orders of magnitude. Actually, it’s impressive that they pulled that off with reduced stadium attendance in the wake of the Chinese Commie Flu.

You can cry about how racist it is all you want. I couldn’t care less about that. Regular readers of this blog already know how much I’m on record pointing out the hypocrisy in those who wrap themselves up in that lofty load of shit known as  “social justice.” If you still would like to doubt that, just look at this picture.

That’s back in the 90s when renowned social activist Jane Fonda was married to Atlanta Braves’ owner Ted Turner. There are all kinds of shots just like this showing Fonda tossing aside her decades of “sensitivity” to be just another “Tomahawk-Chopping” ass-wipe.

And therein lies my problem with that super-fucking-obnoxious chant. The racism in that “war chant” speaks for itself; honest-to-goodness racism stems from nowhere else other than sheer stupidity. And nothing says “diminished cognitive capacity” quite like the inability to come up with something wittier than a chant whose idiocy has already been spot-lighted by a dim-bulb like Jane Fonda.

“Chiefs” = No “Smoking Gun”

This past off-season, there was an amazing transmogrification in the District of Columbia. In one fell swoop, the franchise that owner Dan Snyder swore would never change it’s mascot became the Washington Redskins Football Team.

So…what happened?

For my money, there’s no coincidence that the “Redskins” became the “Football Team” at precisely the same time Dan Snyder was on the losing end of a host of sexual harassment lawsuits. Since all those suits were settled out of court with the usual “hush job” non-disclosure agreements, there’s no way to know for sure the mascot switch was part of the settlement. But the timing and the sudden, complete “about face” in position is shall we say…”curious.”

In other words, the only reason they aren’t the Kansas City Chiefs Football Team is owner Clark Hunt pays “politically-correct” lip service to the bluster of the day…and there’s no “smoking gun” pictures of him playing grab-ass with the office staff. The message here is if you say the “right” things and keep your hands to yourself, you can have a “racist” mascot and obnoxious war chant.

If the Chiefs win, that’s only going to get worse.

Kansas City Itself

To be fair, Kansas City is the “nice” city in Missouri. But when the competition is St. Louis, that’s like being the kid on the “short bus” who can tell you what flavor the windows are.

The Kansas City metro straddles the border between two truly awful states, Kansas and Missouri. Attempting to ascertain the difference between Kansas City, Kansas and Kansas City, Missouri is like trying to decide which half of the brain tumor killed you. The founding fathers foresaw a “Rome on the Prairie;” that’s why it’s known as the “City of Fountains.” Greater Kansas City boasts over 200 fountains, which is almost one for every trailer park in the area.

On top of that, Kansas and Missouri have an odd history together. Here’s two states that just couldn’t wait for the Civil War, they had it’s “pre-season.”

The Kansas-Missouri Border War broke out in 1854 after the signing of the Kansas-Nebraska Act. The issue at hand was whether Kansas would be a “free” or “slave” state. This battle led to years of electoral fraud (I wonder why that sounds familiar?), raids, assaults, and retributive murders carried out by pro-slavery “Border Ruffians” in Missouri and anti-slavery “Jayhawkers” in Kansas.

At first glance, the “Jayhawkers” seemed to have the “high ground,” but these are also the people who gave rise to the movement toward the prohibition of alcohol. That means it’s entirely possible but for the twist of fate which is history, a compromise ending the Civil War could have involved the preservation of slavery and the prohibition of alcohol, a result which would have been driven by the war over the border which Kansas City straddles.

Here’s the bottom line. Supporting the “border-war” Kansas City Chiefs means deep down in places you may not be ready to admit, the idea of a National Football League with no black players and no beer appeals to you.

Not only would you be the only person watching a league that boring, you’d be doing that fucking “war chant” the whole time.

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