Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

…because it’s that time again. The baseball trading deadline has come and gone, and so has Discovery Channel’s Shark Week. That means it’s time for one of our longer-standing traditions here at Dubsism… the one where we compare all the participants in baseball’s trading feeding frenzy to various levels of these pre-historic cartilaginous fishes.

If you’re not familiar, the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week has become a phenomenon. Give or take, it usually coincides with Major League Baseball’s trading deadline. Just like sharks comes in all shapes and sizes, so do the “winners” and “losers”/”buyers” and “sellers” in the carnage that is the baseball trading season.

With a feeding frenzy of that scale, the staff here at Dubsism gave exhaustive research to each team who made a deal in the weeks leading up to the deadline. As such, we now can get a clear picture of what actually happened now that the blood is out of the water.

In short, was your team a “feeder” or a “bleeder?” There’s only one way to find out…

Whale Shark:

There’s “Alanis Morrissette”-style irony in the fact the largest fish in the sea feeds on it’s tiniest creatures. Like the whale shark, the Royals quietly floated along with the baseball world blissfully unaware of the staggering tonnage they actually consumed. They essentially acquired an entire pitching staff. If for no other reason, the law of averages says Kansas City should see at least a few major league fish spring from a plankton haul of this size.

Great White Shark:

Carcharodon carcharias, a.k.a the Great White Shark, is the “star” of Shark Week, and this distinction goes to the team which gave us the “razor-teeth-sawing-through-the-seal” style carnage we expect.  There’s no other team more befitting of that distinction this year that the Texas Rangers. They clearly bolstered their pitching staff, which in addition to their already potent line-up makes the Rangers arguably the most dangerous fish in the American League sea.

Tiger Shark:

Tiger sharks are known to eat just about anything, including each other. Cannibalism is an odd concept, just like giving up pitching to get pitching. but that’s pretty much what the Dodgers did. But what does it say when a team desperate for big-league pitching gives up on a veteran hurler (we’re looking at you Noah Syndegaard)?

Bull Shark: 

Bull sharks are underappreciated for the fact they actually account for the most attacks on humans.  While what the Mets did during this trading season may lack the “seal carnage” of the moves made by some other teams, this team escalated themselves up the “dangerous” scale. Say what you will, but the O’s are in first place in in August in what has proven to be the definition of a “shark-eat-shark” AL East. Think about it…the Yankees are in last place in that division, but they are still four games over .500.

Mako Shark:

Look at that fucking thing. If you saw that on your hook, you’d pre-shit your pants the first time you saw it breach the surface. Then once you got it into the boat, you would finish the job. The Mako is the fastest shark in the sea, and it’s speed makes it super-dangerous. The best team in baseball just got even scarier, and the Astros are going to make some teams shit their pants come October.

Forget about the fact they are chasing the Great White Rangers. This team will still be around come October, and their established pitching staff and potent line-up makes the Astros just as dnagerous as their north Texas neighbors.

Hammerhead Shark:

The best way to describe hammerhead is “the king of the bottom-feeders.” The hammerhead uses it’s oddly-shaped but purposely-built head to scan the sea floor for crabs and other bottom-dwellers. But on that crab and mollusk diet, hammerheads can reach 15 feet in length and become seriously fearsome.

That’s why there is no better description for the Brewers and the Padres. They should be fearsome, but they just can’t seem to figure themselves out. Not only that, neither team had a deadline feeding substantive enough to grow them to where they need to be heading down the stretch. The Brewers have the advantage of being in a division nobody seem to want to win, while the Padres look to be another example of “high-payroll, low performance” irrelevance.

Manta Ray:

Like the whale shark, the manta ray is another big filter feeder which floats along taking in it’s haul of plankton. Both the M’s and the Mighty Whiteys entered 2023 with promise, only to end up floating along looking up at the contenders while feeding for the future.

Blacktip Reef Shark:

Reef sharks don’t get a lot of time during Shark Week, but they serve a necessary purpose. They lack the “star” power reserved for the Great Whites and the Tigers of the depths, but if nobody plays “apex predator” on the coral reefs, the entire marine ecosystem changes. In baseball terms, the reef shark is crucial, because for every division winner, there’s that team that comes up just a bit short behind them.

To be fair, there’re really not much the Marlins could do to give them a shot at catching the Braves, but none of these teams made “stepping up” types of moves.

Nurse Shark:

This could be the “looks can be deceiving” category. Nurse sharks are huge and have a fearsome array of teeth. But they are largely sedentary and are happy to stick to feeding on rays and small fish. To be honest, we all know the Mets were on a huge mission to dump salary. Despite that, the Mets still have some awe-inspiring components, but what they got in return for that off-load is little more than a lot of little fish.

Greenland Shark:

In short, nobody really knows much about Greenland sharks because they live in deep water near the Arctic Circle; two places people really don’t want to be. But that lack of knowledge makes them the perfect representative for teams whose moves we can’t really figure out. This year, we have three teams which meet such criteria.

The Braves, Red Sox and Giants are all either leading their divisions or are within sniffing distance. But in all three cases, nobody really knows what these teams were trying to do. For Atlanta, they look like they are about to hit cruise control mode and breeze to the NL East title. So, their lack of anything appreciable is somewhat understandable, even if they really could use another middle-of-the-rotation arm.

As for the BoSox and the Giants, both these teams had ample resources to acquire the reinforcements they both need to chase down their respective division leaders, but neither one pulled enough triggers. Perhaps they are saving their ammo for the coming winter bidding war for that Japanese fellow in
Anaheim who is going to spread his Angel wings in free agency.

Remora:

This fish gets it name from the Latin term “remora” meaning “delay, hindrance, passive resistance.”  The naming stems from the fact these fish attach themselves to larger sharks and live off the remnants of the larger fish’s feedings. Out of the three teams in this category, the best example of this are the Red Birds. St. Louis has no shot at October, but by trading away almost all of their pitching, St. Louis is clearly taking the “remora” approach for the future. Just look at all their deals with the bigger. more dangerous Toronto Blue Jays.

Bathtub Toy Shark:

For the third year in a row, the Los Angeles Angels represent the bathtub squeaky toy. By that, I mean they made deals which didn’t help them, but didn’t really hurt either…they just made some noise.. Realistically, squeezing the squeaky rubber shark toy is the only noise the Angels will make in 2023…unless of course they pony up the eleventy bajillion dollars it will take in the off-season to keep Shohei Ohtani.

Japanese Paper Lantern Shark:

The key to this category is simple. The only way to be more insignificant than a bathtub toy shark is to be one that completely disintegrates the minute it touches water.  This year, that title belongs to the Arizona Diamondbacks. Before their recent fade, the Snakes had every shot to compete for the NL West crown, but not only did they not help themselves, they didn’t even match the under-performances by teams like the Giants and the Padres.

CPO Sharkey:

If you aren’t familiar, CPO Sharkey was a short-lived 1970’s sit-com featuring one of J-Dub’s comedic heroes, Don Rickles.  How could you have a show featuring the king of “insult” comedy surrounded by a cast of perfectly insult-able characters and it doesn’t work? 

That’s really the only way to look at both the Twins and the Reds. Both teams have been enjoying running in the lead in their respective divisions…at least until Cincinnati hit a bit of a recent skid. But neither team really did anything to take command of divisions that are waiting to be taken by somebody…anybody.

The Chum Bucket:

This is a tale of teams who really didn’t do anything, positive or negative. They just baited the waters for the real action. They appear on the the radar strictly from their existence; their impact likely won’t even be that measurable.

Detroit Tigers

• Got: INF Hao-Yu Lee (from Philadelphia Phillies)
• Gave Up: RHP Michael Lorenzen

Philadelphia Phillies

• Got: RHP Michael Lorenzen (from Detroit Tigers), INF Rodolfo Castro (from Pittsburgh Pirates)
• Gave Up: INF Hao-Yu Lee, LHP Bailey Falter

The Sharknado:

As mentioned when this category was introduced la few years back, the “Sharknado” is a “wild-card” category.  The strength of those movies is in the cameo appearances; you never really know who is going to show up.  When it comes to baseball, teams end up here because we really have no idea how their deals are going to work.

To be fair, in 2023 I’m not sure what to expect form either Tampa or Cleveland. The Rays got off to an amazing start, but they are quickly becoming the horse that runs great out of the gate, but fades at the turn. They addressed that…sort of…but what else are they supposed to do? They didn’t really have much to offer in terms of trade bait.

Meanwhile, the Guardians area still within striking distance of the Twins, but they really don’t seem to care. Adding a pitcher that a pitching-hungry contender dumped doesn’t exactly scream “blockbuster deal,” nor does trading your best starter to the other team in this category for a prospect who might be a >330 hitter, might be a 35 HR guy…or might be a bag of magic fucking beans.

But on the other hand, it all might just work. We just don’t know. Those unknowns are why we call it the “Sharknado,” sports fans.

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*Future considerations includes, but is not limited to cash and/or the proverbial “player to be named later.”

All transaction details from Sportrac.com

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