Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

…because it’s that time again. The baseball trading deadline has come and gone, and so has Discovery Channel’s Shark Week. That means it’s time for one of our longer-standing traditions here at Dubsism… the one where we compare all the participants in baseball’s trading feeding frenzy to various levels of these pre-historic cartilaginous fishes.

If you’re not familiar, the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week has become a phenomenon. Give or take, it usually coincides with Major League Baseball’s trading deadline. But this year, we wouldn’t know since the money-grubbers at Discovery put all the “Shark Week” shit behind a veritable pay-wall they call a streaming service. There was some channel way out toward the end of my stream box that did a “Shark-nanza” thing, but let’s be honest. It doesn’t matter what they called it, we all blow our nose into a “Klennex,” even if we buy the cheap SprawlMart store brand. The point is that “Shark Week” shows us sharks comes in all shapes and sizes as do the “winners” and “losers”/”buyers” and “sellers” in the carnage that is the baseball trading season.

With a feeding frenzy of that scale, every year the staff here at Dubsism puts exhaustive research to each team who made a deal in the weeks leading up to the deadline. Now that the waters are calming, we can get a much clearer picture of what actually happened now that the blood is out of the water.

In short, was your team a “feeder” or a “bleeder?” There’s only one way to find out…

Whale Shark:

There’s “Alanis Morrissette”-style irony in the fact the largest fish in the sea feeds on it’s tiniest creatures. Like the whale shark, Miami quietly floated along with the baseball world blissfully unaware of the staggering tonnage they actually consumed. The “Garage Sale” that was the Marlins actually acquired an entire farm system.

Great White Shark:

Nobody:

Carcharodon carcharias, a.k.a the Great White Shark, is the “star” of Shark Week, and this distinction goes to the team which gave us the “razor-teeth-sawing-through-the-seal” style carnage we expect.  The problem this year was nobody really “Wow-ed” us with a deal that made them the scariest fish in the sea.

Tiger Shark:

Some media lick-spittles think it’s time simply to coronate the Dodgers as the best team in baseball based on this trade haul. Granted, there wasn’t a “sure-thing ace,” out there to bolster the Dodgers injury-depleted pitching ranks, but if you think Jack Flaherty is the savior, you’d better find a new religion. T

Bull Shark: 

Baltimore Orioles:

Gave Up: OF Austin Hays, OF Matthew Etzel, RHP Jackson Baumeister, 3B Mac Horvath, 2B Connor Norby, OF Kyle Stowers, RHP Seth Johnson, RHP Moises Chace, LHP Trey McGough, Cash Considerations

Got: RHP Colin Selby (from Kansas City Royals), RHP Seranthony Dominguez, OF Cristian Pache (from Philadelphia Phillies), RHP Zach Eflin (from Tampa Rays), LHP Trevor Rogers (from Miami Marlins), LHP Gregory Soto (from Philadelphia Phillies), OF Austin Slater, SS Livan Soto (from Cincinnati Reds). OF/DH Eloy Jimenez (from Chicago White Sox)

Bull sharks are underappreciated for the fact they actually account for the most attacks on humans, which statistically makes them the most dangerous. As arguably the best team in the American League, nobody should be surprised by the fact the Orioles are…wait for it…dangerous. But the surprise in this category comes in the “city by the bay.” The Giants aren’t going to see October baseball, but they are going to take down somebody else’s playoff hopes.

Mako Shark:

Look at that fucking thing. If you saw that on your hook, you’d pre-shit your pants the first time you saw it breach the surface. Then once you got it into the boat, you would finish the job. The Mako is the fastest shark in the sea, and it’s speed makes it super-dangerous. 

Replace the theme of “speed” with that of pitching, and you have the key to the Royals’ success. They pitch as well as anybody, and Kansas City built on that by adding a solid middle-of-the-rotation guy and a much-better-than-average bullpen arm.

As for the Phillies, they didn’t do much trade-wise, but they had no major needs (other than the universal quest for pitching). Forget about the slump Philadelphia is enduring right now (3-11 since the All-Star break), this is still one of the three best teams in the game. Adding bullpen depth to that roster can only help.

Hammerhead Shark:

The best way to describe hammerhead is “the king of the bottom-feeders.” It uses it’s oddly-shaped but purposely-built head to scan the sea floor for crabs and other bottom-dwellers. But on that crab and mollusk diet, hammerheads can reach 15 feet in length and become seriously fearsome.

That means all three team in this category are contenders for October baseball, but not all three are going to make the cut. Either the Brewers won’t be able to stay in front of the Cardinals (or maybe even the Pirates), and either the Padres or the D-Backs could fall victim to the “spoiler” Giants.

Manta Ray:

Like the whale shark, the manta ray is another big filter feeder which floats along taking in it’s haul of plankton. The Rays lived up to the very nature of their mascot; they grabbed a depot full of prospects to staff their bus leagues and in the process ditched a moderate fortune in payroll.

That description also applies to the Nationals, just on a smaller scale…except when it comes to payroll. Patrick Corbin’s bloat-bag of a contract keeps Washington well over the $100 million mark.

Blacktip Reef Shark:

Boston Red Sox:

• Got: RHP Trey Wingenter (from Detroit Tigers), LHP James Paxton (from Los Angeles Dodgers), C Danny Jansen (from Toronto Blue Jays), RHP Quentin Priester (from Pittsburgh Pirates), RHP Lucas Sims (from Cincinnati Reds), RHP Luis Garcia (from Los Angeles Angels)
• Gave Up: RHP C.J Weins, SS Moises Bolivar, 3B Cutter Coffey, SS Eddinson Paulino, RHP Gilberto Batista, 2B Nick Yorke, RHP Ovis Portes, 1B Niko Kavads, SS Matthew Lugo, RHP Yeferson Vargas, RHP Ryan Zeferjahn

Reef sharks don’t get a lot of time during Shark Week, but they serve a necessary purpose. They lack the “star” power reserved for the Great Whites and the Tigers of the depths, but if nobody plays “apex predator” on the coral reefs, the entire marine ecosystem changes. In baseball terms, the reef shark is crucial, because for every division winner, there’s that team that comes up just a bit short behind them.

The Red Sox have the swagger of slight over-achievers, but we all know they aren’t catching the Orioles, and with roughly 50 games to go, Boston would be on the outside looking in for the post-season, but they are in the heart of the race for the 3^rd wild card spot.

Meanwhile it Pittsburgh, anything wild just isn’t in the cards; the Bucs are all about “win and in.” But in the middlin’-to-shitty NL Central, being 6 back with ~50 to play puts Pittsburgh in the heart of the sunrise.

Nurse Shark:

Welcome to the “looks can be deceiving” category. Nurse sharks are huge and have a fearsome array of teeth. But they are largely sedentary and are happy to stick to feeding on rays and small fish. Throughout 2024, both the Reds and the Rangers have show flashes of being a contender, but they never maintain it.

Perhaps that’s why both these team made moves which at first look like they might be helpful, but they like will prove not to be. After all, you can’t trade for consistency.

Greenland Shark:

Chicago Cubs:

• Got: RHP Jesus Tinoco (from Kansas City Royals), OF Gilberto Celestino (from Pittsburgh Pirates), RHP Nate Pearson (from Toronto Blue Jays), 3B Isaac Paredes (from Tampa Rays), SS Benjamin Cowles, RHP Jack Neely (from New York Yankees)
• Gave Up: OF Yohendrick Pinango, 3B Josh Rivera, 3B/OF Christopher Morel, RHP Hunter Bigge, RHP Ty Johnson, RHP Mark Leiter, Jr., Cash Considerations

At the beginning of the season, I made it clear I couldn’t really tell these two teams apart. To be fair, I almost had the Giants in this category, but they are slighty less inconsistent. Not to mention, there’s times San Francisco look like they are playing with a purpose.

At the end of the day, this category is all about uncertainty. Nobody really knows much about Greenland sharks because they live in deep water near the Arctic Circle; two places people really don’t want to be. That lack of knowledge makes them the perfect representative for teams whose moves we can’t really figure out…another tie that binds Cubs and Cardinals.

Chicago really didn’t take on the role of pure buyer or seller; for the most part it was a lot of prospects changing farm systems. But one can say the same about the Cardinals; the difference being St. Louis was largely shuffling major leaguers. The bottom line is both basically gave away nothing to get possibly better nothing.

Remora:

This fish gets it name from the Latin term “remora” meaning “delay, hindrance, passive resistance.”  The naming stems from the fact these fish attach themselves to larger sharks and live off the remnants of the larger fish’s feedings. There really isn’t a better description for these three teams. Detroit, Toronto, and the Mighty Whiteys all gave up big chunks of red meat for contenders and took home a few “doggie bags” full of prospects.

Bathtub Toy Shark:

There’s always going to be teams whose deadline deals didn’t help them, but didn’t really hurt either. All they did was make some noise like a squeaky bathtub toy. These two teams didn’t really do anything that can be expected to separate them in the race for the AL West crown. But some media noise-makers think they did.

Japanese Paper Lantern Shark:

The good news is for the first time in three years, the Los Angeles Angels relinquished their grip on the Bathtub Toy Shark category. The bad news is they got worse. However, watching the Angels blow it yet again is just what their fans have come to expect. On that note, I would love to hear what Bravess fans think of their teams inaction when the division-leading Phillies are showing signs of “catchability.”

In any event, the key to this category is simple. The only way to be more insignificant than a bathtub toy shark is to be one that completely disintegrates the minute it touches water. 

CPO Sharkey:

If you aren’t familiar, CPO Sharkey was a short-lived 1970’s sit-com featuring my comedic heroes, Don Rickles.  How could you have a show featuring the king of “insult” comedy surrounded by a cast of perfectly insult-able characters and it doesn’t work? Just look at both New York teams and you’ll see the answer. As insultable as they may be, at some point the supporting cast has to contribute. Raise your hand if you think Jazz Chisholm and Jesse Winker are the guys to push the Yanks and Mets over the finish line.

I didn’t think so.

The Chum Bucket:

This is a tale of teams who really didn’t do anything, positive or negative. They just baited the waters for the real action. They appear on the the radar strictly from their existence; their impact likely won’t even be that measurable.

The Sharknado:

As mentioned when this category was introduced la few years back, the “Sharknado” is a “wild-card” category.  The strength of those movies is in the cameo appearances; you never really know who is going to show up.  When it comes to baseball, teams end up here because we really have no idea how their deals are going to work.

Adding a pitcher (Cobb) that hasn’t pitched a single inning due to injury is the definition of risky. Adding another who built on ERA north of 5.50 in 24 innings pitched in 2024 doubles down on taking your chances.

But on the other hand, it just might just work. We don’t know. Those unknowns are why we call it the “Sharknado,” sports fans.

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“Cash considerations” is simply a euphemism for buying a player’s contract.

“Future Considerations” includes, but is not limited to cash, draft picks, and/or the proverbial “player to be named later.”

All transaction details from Sportrac.com

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