It is becoming cliché to use “is a hot dog a sandwich?” as the example of a question intended to start a completely pointless argument. Yet, that’s exactly what I’m about to do. Mrs. J-Dub has an abhorrence for math; therefore she insists that zero is not a number.

This is where the difference in education matters. As an English Literature major, I can understand her aversion to math. But being a Physics major, I don’t share it. Since I’m all about math, I will save you the debate. With her worthless liberal arts degree, she simply lacks the background to understand the formal and rigorous definitions of the number system.

In short, zero is a number; it represents an empty quantity and is considered a whole number, an integer, and a real number. Even if you can’t be bothered with the strict mathematical definitions, consider the following key points:

• Zero signifies the absence of quantity or value.
• On a number line, zero is positioned in the middle, representing neither positive nor negative.
• Zero is the additive identity, meaning adding zero to any number does not change its value.

Whether you prefer Shakespeare or standard deviations is irrelevant. If you’re reading this, odds are you’re a gambler, which likely means you have an understanding of the simplest math possible…positive, negative, or neutral.

Last week was all about the latter. The J-Dub Gambling Challenge ended breaking absolutely even, saved from another bad week by posting a $0. Now for the fun part…after all my prattling on about math, there was a calculation error in last week’s totals. In an attempt to save money for gambling, I have a “knock-off” spreadsheet program made by mathophobes English Lit majors in Slovenia. In any event, the J-Dub Gambling Challenge bankroll is still in the black with a season total of $5,973…up from the original $5K.

And in the immortal words of Shakespeare: “Zero, Zero…wherefore art thou, Zero?”

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (mandated by our very own Small Town Pizza Lawyer):

Thanks to the Supreme Court, gambling is no longer illegal at Bushwood, sir. However, the Supreme Court can’t really help me unless one of them is willing to keep Mrs. J-Dub from braining me with a cast-iron skillet if she found out how many dimes I’m dropping on college football.

That means that as far as she knows, all wagers are mythical in nature and this is in no way, shape, or form a gambling advice column. In other words, if you lose your own “real” money, that’s nobody’s fault but yours, so don’t yell at me when we meet at the plasma center on Monday.

If you think you have a gambling problem, go find the 800 number on your own. I’m not a goddamn public service announcement.

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The Standard Plays

• Florida State at Duke (-3) O/U 42.5 $200 Duke
• Oklahoma State at Brigham Young (-7.5) O/U 53 $250 Brigham Young
• Army (-15.5) at East Carolina O/U 51.5 $250 Army
• Virginia at Clemson (-21) O/U 57.5 $50 Virginia, $50 Under
• Miami (FL) (-6.5) at Louisville O/U 61 $75 Louisville, $75 Over
• Nebraska at Indiana (-6.5) O/U 50.5 $100 Indiana
• Wisconsin (-6.5) at Northwestern O/U 41 $150 Wisconsin
• South Carolina at Oklahoma (-1.5) O/U 39.5 $200 South Carolina, $200 Over
• Alabama (-3) at Tennessee O/U 56 $150 Tennessee
• Notre Dame (-14) at Georgia Tech O/U 49 $75 Georgia Tech, $75 Over
• Michigan (-4.5) at Illinois O/U 45.5 $100 Illinois, $100 Under
• Southern Methodist (-13.5) at Stanford O/U 51.5 $150 Southern Methodist, $150 Over
• Texas Christian at Utah (-4.5) O/U 49 $100 Utah

The Almost Always Punitive Purdue Bet

Since I live in the heart of Big Ten country, almost literally in the shadow of Ross-Ade stadium, those around me who know I’m a gambler will invariably ask me about the Boilermakers, so I might as well bet on them…

Oregon (-27.5) at Purdue O/U 59.5 $50 Over

The Royally Ridiculous Line of the Week

Introduced by our own guest columnist King George VI (the grandfather of the current King Charles III), this feature is all about the line of the week that’s so outrageous, it’s almost as crazy as we Americans find the idea of a monarch.

Ball State at Vanderbilt (-25.5) O/U 58.5 $50 Vanderbilt

The Dubsism College Football Heavyweight Champ Bet:

We went back to the very first college football game in 1869, and the premise is simple…you’re the champ until somebody beats you. The current champion is the Texas Longhorns.

Georgia at Texas (-5) O/U 56 $100 Texas

J-Dub’s Payday of the Week:

It’s like the game says…the idea is to hang on to your cash. That means this is the “big play” of the week; the one that should make today “Payday.”

UCLA at Rutgers (-3.5) O/U 41 $1,000 Rutgers

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