As foreseen, the days of cheap wine had a less than rosy end thanks to another tough week. If you didn’t know, this is all about the descent into the kind of alcoholic splendor that can only spring from a protracted losing streak. That’s why the threat was I’d end up stealing cheap mouthwash because in case you didn’t know, many brands are loaded with ethanol. In fact, drinking mouthwash is so common amongst those godless Canadians it was of two countries chosen for a study of this odd but minty-fresh behavior.

Also as previously mentioned, each week, the J-Dub Gambling Challenge has a theme. It shouldn’t come as a shock that disastrous times such as these would have prompted a reference to the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. Nobody should be surprised that song was written by another godless Canadian, especially as it poses the question “Does any one know where the love of God goes when the waves turn the minutes to hours?” I’m going to dodge the theological overtones by simply stating I don’t know the answer, but I am painfully aware of where it doesn’t go.

I know for a fact it completely misses the “God” schools when it comes to gambling. The J-Dub Gambling Challenge had been riding a wave of divine providence largely courtesy of Southern Methodist and Brigham Young universities. The vast majority of you may not realize, but nobody loves the “non-cover winner” role more than SMU. That was acceptable until their counterparts in Utah decided to straight-up lose a game they should have won…right when they suckered me into being a believer.

Despite that seeming bit of nihilism, I’ve often said that the common thread between religion and gambling is faith. That’s why even after the bankroll paid a tithe to the tune of $238, I’ll be bellying up to the communion rail of wagering…and will keep doing so as long as I have money to do it.

On that note, the bankroll enters the penultimate of the week of the challenge underwater at $4,608 from the original $5K. But with two weeks left, there’s still time to swim to the life preserver.

Now, that’s faith…or a lot of mouthwash.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (mandated by our very own Small Town Pizza Lawyer):

Thanks to the Supreme Court, gambling is no longer illegal at Bushwood, sir. However, the Supreme Court can’t really help me unless one of them is willing to keep Mrs. J-Dub from braining me with a cast-iron skillet if she found out how many dimes I’m dropping on college football.

That means that as far as she knows, all wagers are mythical in nature and this is in no way, shape, or form a gambling advice column. In other words, if you lose your own “real” money, that’s nobody’s fault but yours, so don’t yell at me when we meet at the plasma center on Monday.

If you think you have a gambling problem, go find the 800 number on your own. I’m not a goddamn public service announcement.

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The Standard Plays

• Southern Methodist (-10) at Virginia O/U 57.5 $50 SMU
• Illinois (-1) at Rutgers O/U 47.5 $250 Illinois, $250 Over
• Indiana at Ohio State (-13.5) O/U 51.5 $100 Indiana, $100 Over
• Iowa (-6) at Maryland O/U 49.5 $150 Iowa
• Kentucky at Texas (-20.5) O/U 47 $200 Under
• Colorado (-3) at Kansas O/U 59.5 $500 Colorado
• Texas Tech (-3.5) at Oklahoma State O/U 67 $50 Texas Tech, $50 Under
• Brigham Young at Arizona State (-3) O/U 48.5 $200 Brigham Young
• Stanford at California (-14) O/U 54 $75 California
• Northwestern at Michigan (-10.5) O/U 38.5 $75 Michigan, $75 Under
• Penn State (-11.5) at Minnesota O/U 45 $100 Penn State
• Wisconsin at Nebraska (-1) O/U 41.5 $200 Nebraska
• Washington State (-12.5) at Oregon State O/U 56.5 $75 Washington State
• Texas A&M (-2.5) at Auburn O/U 46.5 $100 Texas A&M
• Alabama (-13.5) at Oklahoma O/U 47 $100 Alabama, $100 Under
• Iowa State (-7) at Utah O/U 42 $150 Iowa State
• Southern California (-4.5) at UCLA O/U 53.5 $100 UCLA

The Almost Always Punitive Purdue Bet

Since I live in the heart of Big18Ten country, almost literally in the shadow of Ross-Ade stadium, those around me who know I’m a gambler will invariably ask me about the Boilermakers, so I might as well bet on them…

Purdue at Michigan State (-13.5) O/U 47.5 $100 Michigan State

The Royally Ridiculous Line of the Week

Introduced by our own guest columnist King George VI (the grandfather of the current King Charles III), this feature is all about the line of the week that’s so outrageous, it’s almost as crazy as we Americans find the idea of a monarch.

Massachusetts at Georgia (-42) O/U 55.5 $50 Over

The Dubsism College Football Heavyweight Champ Bet:

We went back to the very first college football game in 1869, and the premise is simple…you’re the champ until somebody beats you. The current champion is the Mississippi Rebels.

Mississippi at Florida (-10) O/U 55.5 $100 Mississippi

J-Dub’s Payday of the Week:

It’s like the game says…the idea is to hang on to your cash. That means this is the “big play” of the week; the one that should make today “Payday.”

Vanderbilt at Louisiana State (-7) O/u 53.5 $1,000 Louisiana State

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