It’s the oldest tradition we have here at Dubsism…every January since this blog was created, we have given awards for achievements during the previous year in under-recognized categories in the world of sports.
However, as we were buried under yet another onslaught of tremendous nominations, once again January became February. Thanks to all of you in the blog-u-verse, our award committee had over 100,000 nominations to consider, and just like radio relic Casey Kasem would have had you believe about his “Long Distance Dedications,” we read every goddamn one of them.
That made us late, and we refuse to apologize for that. And rather than have a ponderous rant about a FUCKING DEAD DOG (#iykyk), we took the time needed to read everything you took the time to send.
Having said that, after having given careful consideration…here are the winners!
Detailed information on last year’s winners can be found here.
The Sixteenth Annual Dubsy Awards
The Mickey Klutts Award for Unfortunate Naming
- Winner: Noah Knigga, Quarterback, Eastern Michigan University (nominated by Let A Knigga Noah)
- Honorable Mention: Wang Chung, Chinese Kickboxer (nominated by The Kid In The Hall)
There’s really not much to be said here. This is a case where if the winners name alone doesn’t tell all you need, the nominee’s nom de plume should get you there.
As for the honorable mention, if you’re in the MTV Generation, the joke here is obvious…so everybody have fun tonight.
Previous Winner: Kipp Fagg, Scouting Director, Texas Rangers
The Bobby Knight Award for Achievements in Dramatic Public Meltdowns
- Winner: Ali Heibati, UFC Fighter (nominated by Paul McCartney and Buffalo Wild Wings)
- Honorable Mention: Canadian Golfer Karate-Kick Guy (nominated by Boyd Bergquist)
Color me shocked when I discovered that a guy who spent his life getting kicked in the head might have some brain damage. Kicking the ring girl is only the beginning for a cretin who is stereotypically only two chromosomes away from strapping on a vest made of TNT.
Seemingly incensed by this display, Arkady Osipyan took only half-a-minute to flatten Heibati. But just because the fight was over, don’t think the same applies to Heibati’s shenanigans. According to all accounts, he took a cheap shot at Osipyan while he was walking back to his corner, and tried to kick the ring announcer before Osipyan shit-hammered him again.
I would be remiss if I didn’t give Heibati the credit he’s due because speaking personally, getting my ass handed to me twice inside of four minutes would chill me right out. But not our brain-damaged Hamas draft pick Iranian MMA fighter. In fact, our apprentice terrorist still had enough left in him to make his own hostage video with the aforementioned ring girl.
Let’s be honest…there’s people from whom you expect strange behavior, and there’s the surprises. Canadians are known to be excessively polite. and golf is supposedly a gentlemanly game, but nothing will change that calculus quite like alcohol.
But let’s be even more honest. When you hear about a mini-riot involving eight white guys at 9:45 a.m. on a Saturday, are you really surprised it was a bunch of “probably” piss-drunk Canadian golfers?
Previous Winner: Clark Lea, Head Football Coach, Vanderbilt University
The Bevo and Ralphie Award for Mascot Buffoonery
- Winner: Marvin Wildhage, German YouTube “Celebrity” (nominated by newbostonwillie )
- Honorable Mention: Sparky and Sparkles, Parramatta Eels, National Rugby League (Australia) (nominated by Koala Lumpur )
I know there’s “purists” out there who will dismiss this year’s winner since he’s not really a mascot. That’s bullshit because mascots only exist to entertain sports fans, and what’s more entertaining than a fake mascot showing the complete buffoonery of an international sports organization.
Marvin Wildhage uploaded a video showing himself entering Munich stadium last Friday dressed in a fake costume and making it all the way to the field before being escorted out by a staff member.
“UEFA has assessed the situation and initiated the necessary organisational measures. Three individuals have been banned from entering stadiums hosting UEFA Euro 2024 matches. Please understand that we cannot provide any further information due to the ongoing proceedings of the investigating authorities.”
Wildhage said in his video that he purchased a fake bear costume from China and was able to make fake credentials based on the design from photos posted by Euro 2024 employees on social media.
The only thing at UEFA that requires an investigation is how their “security measures” were thwarted by a guy with a Temu account and a color printer?
If this category is all about entertainment value, then the potential of Sparky and Sparkles of the Parramatta Eels is limitless. From being a presumptive pair of married mascots to the name of the team blog 1-Eyed Eel, you don’t need two eyes to see the jokes will write themselves…once they actually do something…
Previous Co-Winners: Sparky the Sun Devil, Arizona State University and Wilbur the Wildcat, University of Arizona
The Budd Dwyer Award for Excellence in Career Suicide
- Winner: Matt Eberflus, former head coach, Chicago Bears (nominated by Teenage Mutant Ninja Tortoise )
- Honorable Mention: The Chicago White Sox (nominated by The Duke of Dubuque )
The “Windy City” has become a “vortex of suck” in terms of professional sports with some escaping it’s gravitational pull to rise to mediocrity. Then there’s our nominees.
It’s rare to be able to point out a single event as being the sole cause of a disaster; it’s much easier finding one that embodies it. It’s easy to forget in the first third of this past NFL season, the Chicago Bears were 4-2 and being feted as “resurgent” and “a team to be reckoned with.” That went to the dustbin of history because after their bye week, the Bears lost ten straight games. Eberflus’ clock management fiasco didn’t cause that epic streak; it didn’t even start it. But there’s no better moment to encapsulate the train-wreck that was 2024 Chicago Bears.
As for the Chicago White Sox…well, they turned out to be historically bad as we explored previously.
Previous Winner: George Kliavkoff, Commissioner, Pac-12 Conference
The Ed Hochuli Award for the Best Call
- Winner: Antonio Brown, Former NFL Player and Current Lunatic (nominated by Kojak Off)
- Honorable Mention: These parents (nominated by Rock Bottom Golf)
God Bless Antonio Brown, if for no other reason the man is 24-karat blogger gold. That’s why with this win, he becomes the first three-time Dubsy winner and the current gold medalist for all-time appearances:
- 2015: Honorable Mention, Artis Gilmore Award for Achievements in Hair Boldness
- 2019: Winner, Budd Dwyer Award for Excellence in Career Suicide
- 2023: Winner: Charles O Finley Award for Achievements in Cheap
- 2024 Winner: Ed Hochuli Award for the Best Call
Granted, that’s a sold resumé for a Grade-A, USDA Prime Looney Tuner, but there are times when it takes a lunatic to speak the God’s honest truth. After all, Brown is due all the credit for the most perfect description ever for the WNBA:
Even a Looney can hit le mot juste. “Charity for Lesbians” should be the WNBA’s mission statement. How else can you illustrate a league that had it’s most-popular year ever and still lost $50 million?
Speaking of illustrations, there’s the old saying about a picture is worth a thousand words. Combining that with the biblical “the truth shall set you free,” and you get this parenting win/Halloween tribute to the Scottie Scheffler fiasco.
Previous Winner: Jerry Recco, WFAN (New York City) Radio
The Jason Sehorn Award for Being Completely Overrated
- Winner: LeBron “Bronny” James, Jr. (nominated by Land O’ 10,000 Lakers )
- Honorable Mention: The Cincinnati Bengals (nominated by Boomer Esaison Sooner)
To be fair, LeBron James isn’t the first dad in the world to use his pull at the office to get his kid a job, and Bronny isn’t the first kid to show he’s not quite ready for the work world.
The bottom line is anybody who was being intellectually honest knew Bronny wasn’t ready for prime-time despite the slop the lickspittles at ESPN were shoveling. Despite the prevailing fawn-job, there were some honest voices in the sea of slop.
“He did some good things, but I still don’t think he’s ready for the NBA,” noted one of the scouts, who gave his views anonymously as they are prohibited from speaking publicly about these hopefuls. “He’s on the shorter side, so he’ll have to be elite on defense. You can see he has good vision, makes the right passes and takes good shots. But he will need more time. If the Lakers don’t select him, I don’t see anyone picking him in the Draft.”
“…leaked another report from a scout who was much more critical of his game saying his defensive ability didn’t make up for his short stature as players bigger than him, almost all of them, continually looked for him to score in front of him. “No, he’s not good enough. Maybe if he went back to college for another year or two. But right now he’s not an NBA player. He’s not even close to being one.”
“He’s a conventional athlete, not an elite athlete. Because of his height he should play point guard, but he is not capable of running an offense. And he has serious drawbacks to play shooting guard, because he has no shot: 0/4 in one game and 1/3 in another. He needs blocks to generate shots and his only points come in the zone after feints.”
Naturally, there are tons of “anonymous sources” in this story because no one expecting to stay in the good graces of the National Basketball Association – A Wholly-Owned Subsidiary of LeBronCorp® dare not speak ill of King James’ crown prince.
Speaking of crowns, it’s time to stop handing the Cincinnati Bengals on for that one time they beat Coach Big Boy and St. Patrick of Mahomie. Since that AFC Championship in 2021, the Bengals have looked no where near being Super Bowl contenders…and now they don’t even make the play-offs.
Pretty soon all the Queen City Kitties will have is Joe Burrow; that franchise is rapidly leaving him home alone.
Previous Winner: The New York Mets and The New York Yankees
The Clinton–Nixon Award for Cover-Up Futility
- Winner: Jontay Porter, Former NBA player (nominated by Al, Pack A Sweater)
- Honorable Mention: Derek Bender (nominated by Twin Killing)
This year’s winner might just be a compelling case for creating a separate Dubsy for stupidity.
An NBA investigation found in April that Porter tipped off bettors about his health and then claimed illness to exit at least one game, creating wins for anyone who had bet on him to underperform expectations. Porter also gambled on NBA games in which he didn’t play, once betting against his own team, the league said.
Can you be any dumber than entertaining the possibility of getting away with this…especially now that every sports league is on hyper-alert for exactly this sort of shit?
Sadly, the answer is yes.
Minnesota Twins’ minor-league catcher Derek Bender has been released by the organization after it was found that he tipped off opponents during a game last week.
According to ESPN, it was found that Bender told opposing Lakeland Flying Tigers hitters the type of pitch they would be facing from starter Ross Dunn…Lakeland scored four runs in the second inning and won the game 6-0…
His actions were reportedly discovered after Lakeland coaches notified Fort Myers about the pitch tipping after the game…
Previous Winner: WWE Legend Ted DiBiase, Sr.
The Charles O. Finley Award for Achievements in Cheap
- Winner: The Minnesota Vikings (nominated by Vic the Viking)
- Honorable Mention: The Los Angeles Angels (nominated by Dave’s Not Here)
Once in a while, cheap works. The problem is even when it does, the success almost never lasts. Thus comes the not-so-curious case of Sam Darnold. See, the Vikes have a long history of shopping for a quarterback on the open market…and all too often paying discount-brand prices. Even the staunchest fan of the Purple will admit the typical recipe for Viking football goes like this.
- Buy the next “savior” quarterback.
- Enjoy some early-season success.
- Watch the fan-base convince themselves this is “finally the year.”
- Ignore the warning signs in a strange regular-season loss.
- Make the play-offs anyway.
- Lose…usually in a heart-breaking manner.
Be it Sam Darnold or (insert example of your choice here), the Vikings deserves recognitionshowing so much consistency over such a protracted time in this area .
The real surprise comes from a franchise that has every problem except lack of money. Arte Moreno’s Los Angeles Angels are one of the richest organizations in baseball, but money can’t buy good decisions. That’s how you get a rich team that won’t spring for announcers at road games. Angels’ radio announcers Terry Smith and Mark Langston call all the road games on KLAA 830 by watching the TV feed in their broadcast booth in Anaheim because owner Moreno believes the “economics don’t change the experience.”
Perhaps this is why the Angels have a Wasted Money Hall of Fame.
Previous Winner: Antonio Brown, Former Owner, Albany Empire. National Arena League
The Joe Kapp Award for Being Run Out of Town
- Winner: Mike Vrabel, former Head Coach, Tennessee Titans (nominated by Seriously, Football Sucks)
- Honorable Mention: Pedro Grifol, former manager Chicago White Sox (nominated by South Side Suicide)
Sadly, somebody’s got to win, and don’t think the irony is lost on us in a case of two guys who did so much losing…especially because there’s nothing either of these guys could have done.
Mike Vrabel is a damn good football coach, and NFL viewers are going to see that again this fall. The Tennessee Titans now seem to be a bit on the dysfunctional side, especially if they expect any coach to win after they traded away most of the team’s stars.
In contrast, we still don’t know what sort of manager Pedro Grifol is because he never had a major league team to manage despite the lofty load of shit shoveled by the Mighty Whiteys.
It’s not like he didn’t earn his shot. Grifol cut his managerial teeth with the Seattle Mariners, spending 13 years as a coach, scout, and and minor-league manager. After that he spent 10 seasons in various roles with the Kansas City Royals, including winning a World Series title in 2015. But somehow he couldn’t squeeze 30wins out of a team that traded away Erick Fedde, Tommy Pham, Michael Kopech, Paul DeJong, Tanner Banks and Eloy Jiménez.
According to the White Sox, Grifol also failed to walk across a lake and heal an injured swan. No wonder they fired his ass.
Previous Winner: Frank Reich, former Head Coach, Carolina Panthers
The Bobby Layne Award for Best Performance While Drunk
- Winner: Justine Huang, marathon runner (nominated by jerseyguy6526)
- Honorable Mention: Ingrid Andress, country singer (nominated by Nacogdoches Nachos)
Running a marathon drunk. I can’t even imagine, but you don’t need to…just follow this link and watch the video. Give me enough booze and I can barely walk to the men’s room.
As far as being a country singer belting out the National Anthem…I just now realized that “country singer” and “drunk” weren’t just assumed.
Previous Winner: A random (and really drunk) Purdue fan
The Artis Gilmore Award for Achievements in Hair Boldness
- Winner: Kirby Connell, University of Tennessee (nominated by VolunTears)
- Honorable Mention: Liam Morrissey, Lake City, Florida Little League (nominated by William Sport)
Another category where the pictures tell the story…
While a mullet and a handlebar mustache made Connell a clear winner, we couldn’t decide whether his look put us more in mind of a ginger version Captain Morgan or Yosemite Sam in a gay pride parade.
The case of Morrissey was just as tough with the choices for apt metaphor being narrowed down to “deflated Kaepernick” or “electrified Cher.”
Previous Winner: Quinshon Judkins, Running Back, University of Mississippi
The Kyle Orton Award for Achievements in Partying
- Winner: Bathroom Buffalo Bills Fans (nominated by New York Dave)
- Honorable Mention: Cam Smith, LIV Golfer (nominated by Ben Hogan’s Heroes)
Buffalo Bills fans certainly don’t lack passion. These people cheer shirtless in sub-freezing weather, drink the equivalent of Niagara Falls, and slam each other into flaming card tables. And it seems that isn’t the only way they like to hit each other. From the good people at Outkick:
“These two people – it was another man and a woman – it was their husband and their wife,” she continued. “These two couples go to this game together and two of them, who are not married, sneak off to go cheat. Mid-game.”
For full clarity…two married couples got to a Buffalo Bills game together. Two members of that quartet who weren’t married to each other retired to a men’s room stall to engage in marital relations. The two who remained in their seats were informed by stadium security their spouses were being escorted from the stadium.
I wonder how the next “couple’s date night” went?
It’s a safe bet alcohol played a role in this exhibit of extra-marital carnality, which is why we believe LIV golfer Cam Smith was doing his bit for education with his “periodic table of booze” shirt.
Previous Winner: Ondrej Satoria, Czech Electrician Pitcher
The Vasily Alexseyev Award for Plus-Sized Achievement
- Winner: Desmond Watson, defensive lineman, University of Florida (nominated by Seminal Seminole )
- Honorable Mention: Oliver Rioux, redshirt center, University of Florida (nominated by GainesVegas)
I hope they’ve got a good Big & Tall store in Gainsville…because the Gators got both.
For the “Big,” we give you the 450-pound Desmond Watson, who has to be like trying to tackle an orange-and-blue school bus.
For the “Tall,” the University of Florida has a redshirt freshman center named Oliver Rioux. While the Gators list Rioux at 7’9″, there’s no debating that he towers over Shaquille O’Neal
Previous Winner: Cooper Mumford, Offensive Lineman, Colorado Mesa University
The Jamie Moyer Award for Excellence in Geriatrics
- Winner: Kelly Slater, Professional Surfer (nominated by Tube Snake Boogie)
- Honorable Mention: Joe Flacco, Quarterback, Indianapolis Colts (nominated by I’m Afraid To Tell You I’m A Colts Fan)
This year’s winner is another example of a middle-aged guy doing things that would kill most 30-year olds. You may have never heard of pro surfer Kelly Slater, but he’s doing things at 52 you couldn’t do in the heart of your prime. Not only is he currently the oldest competitor in the World Surf League, and when he’s not doing that he’s playing golf or practicing jiu-jitsu. If that weren’t enough, he’s got a dick-ticket better than your “spank bank,” including in-their prime Cameron Diaz to Pamela Anderson.
Along those lines, how many guys could hack being an effective NFL quarterback in their fourth decade?
Previous Winner: LeBron James, Forward, Los Angeles Lakers
The Vinko Bogotaj Award For Epic Failure
- Winner: The Miami Dolphins (nominated by The Frackers)
- Honorable Mention: Bob Rohrman Auto Group (nominated by You Boiler, You Brought Her)
An earlier winner was feted with the phrase “a picture is worth a thousand words.” In this case, at least 800 of those words should be under the thesaurus entry for “fail.”
It’s most feels like the Dolphins wanted to release #92, but opted to tell him to “go fuck himself” instead.
There’s no pictures for our honorable mention, but it does have a thousand words illustrating it’s failure.
After getting sacked by their own team, the Rohrman Automotive Group has reversed course and decided to award Purdue University student Zachary Spangler his well deserved prize. As you’re probably aware, he successfully kicked 20, 30, and 40-yard field goals and was supposed to win a two-year lease on a new car from Bob Rohrman Honda.
However, the director of operations from the dealership later emailed Spangler and told him that their insurance company reviewed video of the event and his “40-yard field goal was not kicked in time by five one-hundredths of a second.” That video reportedly showed the football was placed with 1.5 seconds on the clock and, as CBS Sports would eventually point out, “When it comes to football at any level, the kick would count as long as it’s snapped before the clock hits zero.”
Spangler told his story to the Purdue Exponent and it was shared far and wide, tanking the reputation of Rohrman Automotive. In the aftermath, their dealers were inundated with negative comments such as “scumbag,” “absolutely untrustworthy,” and “y’all should be ashamed.”
Rohrman Automotive is now in full damage control mode as their PR firm contacted us to say they have decided to award Spangler $5,000 or a two-year lease on a new car. Spangler selected the cash prize and the dealership group is also making a $5,000 donation to The Ross-Ade Brigade, which is a student organization at Purdue.
Previous Winner: DeMarcus Ware, NFL Hall-of-Famer
The Joe Theismann Award For Gruesome Injuries
- Winner: Matthew Dawson, Australian field hockey player (nominated by The Cornbread Mafia)
- Honorable Mention: Whit Weeks, Linebacker, Louisiana State University (nominated by Blew By You)
Remember the old TV commercial question “What would you do for a Klondike Bar?” Well, what you you do to play for the Australian national field hockey team? Would you snip off part of your own finger? Maybe that’s why Matthew Dawson made the team and you didn’t.
The Kookaburras will have defender Matthew Dawson in the lineup when the tournament starts, and that’s only because he decided to part with the upper bit of his ring finger.
Matthew Dawson of the Kookaburras (Australian men’s national field hockey team) is headed to the Olympics after parting with the top of his ring finger. (Photo by Mark Brake/Getty Images for Hockey Australia)
You see, Dawson suffered a broken finger while training in the lead-up to the Games, and that injury gave him two options: recoup as per usual and miss the Olympics or have the doc give it, as I like to think they’d say Down Under, a chopperoo.
Dawson revealed this week that he went with the latter to ensure that he’s Olympic-ready.
Ronnie Lott would be proud.
On the other hand…and on the other end of the body…sometimes the injury isn’t as rough to watch as the fix.
Previous Winner: Nick Chubb, Running Back, Cleveland Browns
The Dick Vermeil Award For Great Moments in Crying
- Winner: Robert and Doug MacIntyre (nominated by Tony the Tiger Woods)
- Honorable Mention: Dan Campbell, Head Coach, Detroit Lions (nominated by Marty Sparty)
Imagine being Canadian and winning the biggest golf tournament in your country while your dad is your caddy…the same dad who has been you #1 supporter through the length and breadth of your career on the links. If you don’t drop some tears at that point…you’re simply a monster.
We here at Dubsism should be congratulated for not making the obvious “Bob and Doug” joke.
Either way, this brings us to two very different types of crying. There’s what we just saw; then there’s “man cryin’.”‘
In other words, there’s a kind of crying which includes throwing a chair through a wall and ripping an oak tree out of the ground with your bare hands.
Previous Winner: Nick Sirianni, Head Coach, Philadelphia Eagles
The Gene Mauch Lifetime Achievement Award
Winner: Lou Carnesecca (nominated by SportsChump)
Every year, we present this award to somebody who has had a long career, but never captured a championship. That’s why it’s named in honor of Gene Mauch, a man who managed four baseball teams to a total of 1,902 major league wins…good enough to sandwich him in between Hall-of-Fame skippers Bill McKecknie and Casey Stengel…just without the “big” win.
Luigi P. “Lou” Carnesecca may have never won a championship, but to those of the proper vintage, he was one of the faces presiding over the golden age of Big East basketball. Despite his 5’6″ frame, Carnesecca captured his status as a basketball behemoth in the northeast along with Along with the likes of Jim Boeheim, Jim Calhoun, Rollie Massimino, the fetal Rick Pitino, and the 6’10” John Thompson.
Known for his proclivity for recruiting players from New York City, Carnesecca coached legendary players like Mark Jackson, Walter Berry, and Chris Mullin. All tolled, Carnesecca racked up eighteen 20-win seasons and posted back-to-back 30-win years in 1985 and 1986. He averaged 20 wins a year for his career, totaling 526 wins. His St’ John’s teams competed in competed in NCAA Regional Finals in 1979 and 1991, advanced to the Final Four in 1985, and along the way was voted Big East Coach of the Year three times, National Coach of the Year twice by the United States Basketball Writers Association, and once by the National Association of Basketball Coaches.
If that weren’t enough, during a three-year stint coaching the professional game, Carnesecca led the New York Nets of the American Basketball Association to the 1972 ABA Finals.
But Lou Carnesecca will forever be a name inextricably with St. John’s basketball and held in regard amongst the ranks of New York sports legends. He patrolled the sideline for St. John’s for 24 seasons over; his teams never missing the post-season.
Previous Winner: Gene Keady, former Head Basketball Coach, Purdue University
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