EDITOR’S NOTE:  The Unknown Blogger has made several appearances here at Dubsism, and this probably won’t be the last.  

For purposes of full disclosure, T.U.B. only pops up on this site from time to time as he left the world of professional sports journalism a few years back vowing never to return, but occasionally he can’t help but having a rant here. 

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ROME: Today, newly-elected Pope Leo XIV announced a major change in the leadership structure of his papacy. In a move that sent shock waves across the Catholic Church, the pontiff revealed he has created a new office in the Vatican; that of President. To fill the new office, Pope Leo XIV appointed Donald Trump to the position.

During the press conference when this announcement was made, Pope Leo XIV outlined his vision for this new office by saying he will completely retain the position and duties as the Supreme Pontiff, but will hand over many of the day-to-day operational decisions to the new President.

“I become more like a Chairman of the Board,” said the Pope. “Enterprise-wide, the church has suffered a decline in overall revenues for quite some time. That told me we needed a greater focus on the business operations of the church. Let’s be honest, I can’t fix that by invoking the Doctrine of Papal Infallibility.”

Explaining his choice of Donald Trump for the job, the Pope added “Mr. Trump’s experience in real estate, international finance, and the dynamics of multi-national organizations are a perfect fit for the directions we need the Church to go. He saw right away that as an organization, we have been focusing our efforts in areas that lead us away from our core competencies.”

Pope Leo XIV went on to say his goal for the incoming President is “to reposition the Church to be aggressively market-driven.” To enact that goal, Trump stated his first executive order would be an immediate reversal of its 2,000-year-old pro-Meek stance.

The Supreme Pontiff blessed this statement by saying “Your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, ‘Blessed are the Meek.’ But it will be central in my teachings there has always been a tacit understanding from the Holy Father through the Church with the Meek that this ‘blessed’ status was conditional upon their inheritance of the earth.”

Pope Leo XIV then contended “two millennia of inaction and non-achievement” by the world’s impoverished and down-trodden showed the Meek have a historic unwillingness and/or inability to improve their worldly status which constituted “bad faith that violates the spirit of the agreement.”

When asked for comment, President Trump said “the deal was you inherit the earth. But it didn’t mean ‘inherit’ like you’re waiting for some rich relative to die. It meant you have to get off your butt and do something to show why anybody should give it to you.”

“How much time do they need?” Trump added. “Don’t you think twenty centuries should have been enough time for them to inherit the earth? “Adam and Eve didn’t live up to their end of the deal and they got kicked out of the Garden of Eden. That’s all were really doing here.” Trump said. By the way, Leo and I are already talking about getting that re-named the ‘Garden of America,’ but that’s for another time.”

President Trump made it clear the change in policy toward the Meek is rooted in financial considerations. Quoting Vatican statistics, Trump stated more than 80 percent of the world’s Catholics live below the poverty line and as a result, the Catholic Church receives less than 2 percent of it’s annual earnings from such people.

“It is plain to see that being so heavily involved with the Meek offers almost zero return on investment. They should have known there was no money in the poor.”

~Donald Trump, President of the Catholic Church

Pope Leo XIV showed full support for Trump’s order by saying “The Meek’s blessed status was originally bestowed upon them by Jesus Christ Himself, but there is enough latitude in His gospels and teachings to allow us discretion in this manner, especially in light of the financial goals of the Church.” Offering theological doctrine to justify the move, the Pope added “From this day forward, the Church position shall be “Blessed are the Affluent for they have indeed inherited the Earth.'”

Trump then laid out some specific changes in the Gospels to reflect the move away from the Meek to attract more upscale worshipers.

• Rather than a manger, Christ is now said to have been born in a holistic birthing suite.
• The amount of gold bestowed upon Him by the Wise Men has been quadrupled, the frankincense replaced by a deluxe Ralph Lauren Polo^® toiletry kit with Gucci carrying case, and the amount of myrrh halved, since nobody really knows what myrrh is and it is nowhere near as good of a hedge against inflation as precious metals.
• Judas Iscariot will no longer be viewed as a traitor, but instead shown as a warning against the pitfalls of short-term investment.
• Henceforth, it shall be as easy for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven as it is for him to pass through his heated three-car garage.
• The episode in the temple between Christ and the Moneylenders shall now be interpreted as an internecine argument concerning fund-raising tactics.

Trump also announced three changes to the Sacraments.

• Baptism is now done with domestic bottled water.
• Extreme Unction is now available for purchase instead of actually having to deal with any sick people.
• A new bonus Sacrament has been added, Indulgent Consumption. This is achieved upon purchase of your first new luxury sedan, and can be used as a substitute for any other Sacrament.

Finally, Trump outlined the Catholic Church’s new BlessedPerks^® rewards plan, under which blessedness and God’s everlasting love are free of charge to members upon payment of a one-time baptism/membership fee. Members then begin accruing FrequentPrayer^® points by attending mass, making donations to the Church, and by using the new ChristBuxx^® credit card at selected retailers.

After completion/purchase of the Sacraments, Catholics can upgrade to the Gold Circle^® membership, entitling them to such benefits as forgiveness, sainthood, and reserved priority seating at the right hand of the Holy Father upon death, depending on the number of FrequentPrayer^® points redeemed.

“This isn’t about making the Church exclusionary,” Trump said. “If any of the former Meek wish to change their ways, they may certainly do so. But it won’t be the free ride they got before, I can promise you that.”

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