Heading into Week 3 of the National Football League (NFL) season, there’s already a slate of teams who are 0-2 and needing a win more than the Sahara needs rain. When one of those teams is not among those expected to be in the victory drought, things in the locker room can get dramatic.
It’s no secret today the Kansas City Chiefs find themselves in exactly that situation. As such, it shouldn’t be a surprise that as the media bleating as to what’s wrong in Kansas City, those echoes are getting louder within the walls of the Chiefs’ facilities. You can only imagine how much more that will be amplified should the Chiefs choke on the Giants tonight…
In any event, there’s trouble right here in Kansas City. That starts with T, which rhymes with P, and they’re both pissing off Andy…and we’ve intercepted* the audio to prove it.
*LEGAL DISCLAIMER (mandated by our very own Small Town Pizza Lawyer): J-Dub has a strange way of defining certain terms. “Intercepted” should be read as “completely fabricated.” Despite that, we here at Dubsism would be willing to bet they aren’t far from the truth.
The Scene: Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid calls his two star players into his office following a team meeting in which it is clear frustration is mounting over the team’s 0-2 start.
<BEGINNING OF TAPE>
Andy Reid: Sit down, you two (throws a newspaper on the desk) Do you see this shit? Two losses and they’ve forgotten everything else.
Travis Kelce: Yeah, these fans got spoiled.
AR: I wouldn’t say a fucking word if I were you (picks up newspaper). In fact, here’s a word for you! Do you see this (points at newspaper)? It says “distractions!” I wonder who they’re talking about, Mr. Swift (throws newspaper at Kelce)?!
TK: Why you gotta bring her into this?
Patrick Mahomes: Because you drop passes now like you’re the guy at the Chinese buffet making the Pass Drop soup! Once they stopped showing that singing pencil every time you farted during games, you seem more interested in how often you show up on shit like TMZ.
TK: Uhhh…excuse me? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
PM: It means maybe if you weren’t so pre-occupied with banging that skinny broad, you wouldn’t be blasting your own teammates.
TK: I already took the heat for that! What more do you want from me?
PM: Oh, I don’t know…stop fucking up and do your job, maybe?
AR: See, this is what I mean. We’ve got football problems, I called you two here to talk about football problems, and here we are.
TK: Besides, how come we never talk about the shit his wife (points at Mahomes) puts out there?
PM: Like what?
TK: Like that shit where she’s got her flabby, prego-milkers hanging out!
PM: At least my wife has tits. I’m not the one marrying a goalpost with a vagina.
AR: (facepalms, leans back in his chair) I’m sure glad we’re talking about football. Real glad we’re talking about football.
PM: Fine…let’s talk football. I simply cannot have “Lobster Boy” here and the rest of the “Claw-ettes” dropping shit everywhere when I’m getting my ass handed to me back there.
AR: I know we have some pass protection issues…
PM: (interrupts) NO FUCKING KIDDING! I’m running for my goddamn life half of the time! That collection of gastric bypass patients you call an offensive line couldn’t fuck up a Girl Scout cookie sale, and it doesn’t help I’ve got a tight end who couldn’t spell “block” if I spotted him the “b” and the “lock!” I’m getting less protection than Taylor Swift’s cervix these days!
TK: (jumps up from his chair) THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT! She always makes me wear her diaphragm thing!
AR: Oh for fuck’s sake. Your brother always tried to tell me what an idiot you are. I always thought nobody can be that stupid, and yet again…here we are.
TK: I’d rather be stupid than look like a balding, geriatric Big Boy.
AR: Got your wish, didn’t ya? Don’t worry, you’ll fatten up nicely now that the Pop Queen’s got your balls in a jar. Most pussy-cats do one you have them fixed.
PM: Why are we even talking to him (points at Kelce)? I’m the one who got us to 8 straight AFC Championship games.
TK: I was here before you, Kermit!
AR: And I’m the one who traded up to get you here, Kermit! I know how to get to Championship games. I did that with Donovan fucking McNabb! You’re here to win Super Bowls!
PM: Three in the last six years isn’t good enough for you? What’s the matter. Did the barbecue place raise its “all-you-can eat” prices?
TK: (giggles) That’s funny because you’re fat!
PM: Shut up, Lobster Boy. You’re headed to the same place since you also like eating bones with no meat on them!
TK: (visibly confused) What? I don’t like ribs!
AR: ARE YOU THAT FUCKING STUPID? HE’S TALKING ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND, YOU MORON!
TK: (still completely bewildered) What? You can’t cook her ribs. You’d go to jail for sure!
AR: (groans, picks up newspaper, flips to the classified ads) Maybe there’s a another college out there looking for a Hall of Fame coach…
<END OF TAPE>
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