Understanding The Conference That Was The Big Ten Through a Comparison to Classic Game Show Hosts

Since it seems the college football world is about to undergo the tectonic shift of conference re-alignment we’ve all been waiting for, it may be time for us here at Dubsism to introduce you to a conference and its members with whom you may not be all that familiar.

When it comes to the Big Ten, everybody has knowledge of the big dogs;  Ohio State, Michigan, and Penn State have all seen there share of the national television spotlight.  Regardless of  which new fan base will be entering the as yet to be enumerated conference on the shores of the Great Lakes, those fans are going to see teams on their schedules in the near future of which they likely will know absolutely nothing.

Luckily, there is a way to prevent such a tragedy. All sports teams have a personality; we here at Dubsism intend to enlighten those of you possibly  dawning a new era in the Big Eleven Ten by comparing a team which you may know little about to a better-known entity; in this case classic game show hosts.

1) Minnesota – Monty Hall: Let’s Make a Deal

There’s no one better for the Gophers; a team that loves to be 6-0 in October while pumping it’s fan base full of hope with some sort of statistical disguise (“Hey, we’re leading the nation in rushing!”). Of course, this is right before the Gophs give you the annual “bait and switch,” which usually comes in the form of seal-clubbings by any and/or all of Michigan, Ohio State, and Penn State.

2) Iowa – Wink Martindale: Tic-Tac-Dough

The Hawkeyes maintain their appeal in the Big Eleven Ten in much the same reason your mother always had a “thing” for Martindale. They were both just dirty enough to be oh-so-enticing, yet just respectable enough to get away with it. While you may not want to think about this, in the pre-Viagra days when Dad had trouble “delivering the mail,” the “Winker” ranked right up there with the UPS guy for priming Mom’s pump.

3) Wisconsin – Ed McMahon: Concentration

While you may not remember McMahon hosting a single episode of this gamer back in 1969, it never the less provides his bona fides as a game show host and therefore eligible to be included in this comparison. The extensive research staff here at Dubsism needed to dig up this qualifying fact as McMahon’s puffy jowls and bulbous nose exemplified the effects of the corn-liquor and dairy-laden diet of the average Wisconsinite.

4) Illinois – Rolf Benirschke: Wheel Of Fortune

Hiring a former kicker to host a game show. Getting a mediocre coach who likes to head-butt Coke Machines to lead a major conference program. What kind of ideas are those?

5) Northwestern – Bill Cullen: The $10,000 Pyramid

Cullen, and his coke-bottle specs, lived the part of the over-achieving nerdy kid who disappointed his mother by not going to medical school. This is just like the Wildcats who win just often enough to make you think there’s a brighter future in store for them; sadly that future never gets any brighter than the Sun Bowl.

6) Purdue – Chuck Woolery: Love Connection

Nobody was a bigger poser for “smooth” than Woolery; in actuality he was a hick from the sticks of Kentucky.  Remember on “Love Connection” how Woolery always played “Show Off” by ensuring his enormous Rolex watch was always in the shot? Purdue is one of those schools that despite the fact it hasn’t mattered to anybody for anything in 40 years still likes to flash its old watch which represents the faux prestige in having a name that covers its true identity of Indiana A&M. Oh, and it doesn’t count as a “Love Connection” when you get prison-raped by a MAC team.

7) Indiana – Bert Convy: Super Password

To really understand what the Hoosiers mean to Big Eleven Ten football, you have to go back to both Iowa’s comparison to Wink Martindale and understand what Wal-Mart means to shoppers. Wal-Mart is all about lower prices; when your mothers’ fantasies didn’t have enough money for champagne with the “Winker,” they were full of beer with Bert.

8 ) Michigan State – Gene Rayburn: Match Game

Damn…that sure felt like a Big Eleven Ten Championship season. Or, to put it in Rayburn-ese, “The Spartans looked like a contender until they got obliterated by ___________________.”

9) Michigan – Bob Barker: The Price Is Right

Even Gene Rayburn couldn’t make a better match than Michigan and Barker. They are just tough enough to get their ass kicked by Adam Sandler, yet wussy enough to have a cause (“Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets!). The Wolverine fan base is also getting a bit long in the tooth, yet somehow still appeals to young chicks.  In any event, you won’t have to worry about either of them anymore, unless Michigan hires Drew Carey.

10) Ohio State – Alex Trebek: Jeopardy

Only Trebek’s pompous assery could be fitting for THE Ohio State University. Trebek loves to act like he knows all those answers, when in fact without that little card he is always holding, he’s just Woolery. What better fit could there be than a state school in a hick town that feels the need to distinguish itself with its own stressed article? Besides, I’ve been waiting sooooo long to use that shirtless Trebek graphic.

11) Penn State – Jack Barry: The Joker’s Wild

Cue old guy jokes in 3…2…1…Much as Joe Paterno is the dean of college football coaches; a dean whose school has reflected his persona ever since the first time a Paterno-led Nittany Lion squad faced the Romans in the Philistine Bowl; Jack Barry was that old-school game-show host who wasn’t afraid to let you know when he thought you were being stupid. In fact, in a lot of ways, Barry was more like your grandfather who loved to wax nostalgic about the misery of the Great Depression and the slaughter of World War II and then call you a “pussy” because you weren’t there.

See Also: Understanding the Conference That Was The Big 12 Through a Comparison to Stuff in My Kitchen

Understanding the Conference That Was The Pacific 10 Through a Comparison to “Scrubs” Characters

About J-Dub

What your view of sports would be if you had too many concussions

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