Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For…The Pittsburgh Steelers
There are several key storylines which require all media outlets to discuss in the days leading up to the Super Bowl. Seriously, any media outlet, even penny-ante blogs, are required to cover them, lest they have their noses flayed and their genitals set on fire. As usual, to meet our blogospherical canons before the upcoming event, we will inform you, the blog-reading public about why you should not support the Pittsburgh Steelers.
1) We’ve heard enough about Troy Polamalu’s hair
For years, we’ve been subjected to tales of Troy’s mane. Even this year, Polamalu has received more attention from his hair than needed. He was even given a prestigious Dubsy Award in 2010. We get it, Troy…you look like a feather duster that shared a “protein shake” with Barry Bonds. Get over it; the rest of us have.
2) The Steelers encourage smoking and drinking among America’s youth
Face it, kids buy stuff too, and like the rest of us, they buy stuff with a winning logo on it. The Steelers have won two Super Bowls in the last five years, and I’m amazed at all the cigarette-hacking little drunks I see in my neighborhood with these Steeler “junior puffin’-and-swillin'” sets. The Packers don’t have this problem; science has proven every kid in Wisconsin is born as a cirrhotic little booze-bag.
3) Dan Rooney will cause geo-political strife
I’m still waiting for somebody to explain to me how owning a sports franchise team qualifies one to be an Ambassador. Granted, it’s only Ireland, so nothing that really affects us is likely to happen, but can you imagine if we had done this with a real country? How about Jerry Jones as an Ambassador to England, Al Davis as an Ambassador to Germany, or my personal favorite, Mark Cuban as an Ambassador to anyplace?
4) Bret Michaels
Yep, this aging rocker is a Steelers fan, and if they win, he and Ben Roethlisberger are legally entitled to come to your house and tag-team your wife until she has Hepatitis C and “a lack of physical evidence.”
5) Barack Obama
Because your current president is the one who made the Michaels and Roethlisberger putting your wife on the old “spit roast” legal. I’m pretty sure I saw that on C-Span.
6) Ben Roethlisberger hates bloggers
You have to be a fan of the Dan Patrick Show to understand this reference to Roethlisberger’s dislike of bloggers. The bottom line is that some of us defended this turd-swallower during his issues this past spring, so wanting us to all be dodgeballed is simply bullshit…But to be fair, Andrew “McLovin” Perloff does bring it on himself by always going “against the grain.”
7) The general dimwitted nature of Steelers’ fans
There’s really not much more to add to this other than a few items that aren’t pictured, namely the Chuck Noll shrine and the Neil O’Donnell dartboard.
8) When the Steelers were the league’s floor mat, they cut Al Bundy
Two things happened in 1970 that tectonically shifted what the Steelers were all about. Having been founded in 1933, the Steelers were the definition of terrible for nearly 40 years. With the merger with American Football League, three old NFL teams were moved into the newly-formed AFC; the Steelers being one of them. 1970 was also the year the Steelers saw fit finally to hang on to the franchise quarterback they drafted.
Terry Bradshaw became the man around which the Steeler dynasty would be built; but they blew plenty of chances to do it earlier. The Steelers drafted Johnny Unitas in 1955, but they cut him during training camp; Unitas went on to become arguably the greatest quarterback to ever play the game. The Steelers signed Len Dawson, only to cut him so that he could become a Hall-of-Famer in a Kansas City Chiefs uniform.
The Steelers cut lots of winners in their floormat days. There was future Congressman and presidential candidate Jack Kemp (who was a pretty damn good quarterback in his day), there was 6-time NCAA Basketball Coach of the Year Gene Keady (who couldn’t use a quarterback who knows how to win?), and there was shoe salesman extraordinaire Ed “Al Bundy” O’Neill (who once scored four touchdowns in a single game for Polk High).
9) The Steelers are not pet friendly
Believe me when I tell you I hate cats. How can anybody like a creature that eats its own hair until it barfs? However, none of God’s creations deserve to have a Steeler logo shaved into it.
10) The Steelers are not environmentally friendly
You know this wasn’t the only tree to be defaced like this in Steeler Nation. Pretty soon you’ll have Sting and Al Gore trying to save the forests of Western Pennsylvania.
11) The Terrible Towel
Seriously, who the hell thought it was a good idea to show support for their team by airing their laundry at the stadium? Knowing Pittsburgh, we very easily could have ended up with the “Terrible Tighty-Whiteys” or the “Steeler Sweatsock.”
12) Even in death, Steelers fans have an insatiable need to be noticed
Can you possibly imagine what a meaningless and empty life you’ve led if the only thing you wish to be identified with in memoriam is a football team?
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