What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
There are several key storylines which require all media outlets to discuss in the days leading up to the Super Bowl. Seriously, any media outlet, even penny-ante blogs, are required to cover them, lest they have their noses flayed and their genitals set on fire. As usual, to meet our blogospherical canons before the upcoming event, we will inform you, the blog-reading public about why you should not support the Green Bay Packers.
1) Their fans need an instruction manual
Let’s be honest; Packer fans aren’t very bright. Aside from climate, there is only one difference between Wisconsin and Arkansas; the accents. The fact that how to be a football fan needed to be written down for these people only underscores the general lack of intellignece rampant in America’s Dairyland. Even better yet: nobody catches the irony of writing a book for a group which has a shockingly high rate of illiteracy.
2) Lynn Dickey
Lynn Dickey is the best quarterback Packer fans have completely forgotten. In 1996, when the Big Eight expanded to the Big 12 Conference, the Associated Press named Dickey as the All-Time Big Eight Quarterback. Kansas State University has retired the No. 11 to honor Dickey; it is the only number retired by the program. Dickey is a member of the Green Bay Packers Hall of Fame and the Kansas Sports Hall of Fame.
Yet, there isn’t a single Packer fan who knows who he is. If you doubt that, ask any Packer fan who holds the team record of passing yards in a single season. You can ask that question all day long before you get the correct answer. The high point of Dickey’s NFL career came in 1983 when he powered the Packers’ offense to a then-team record 429 points. He threw for 4,458 yards, which remains a team record. Other Packers records that Dickey holds includes highest completion percentage in a game (90.48%), most passing yards in a game (418), and highest average gain in a season (9.21). Yet he is completely forgotten by a franchise that hangs its cheesehead on history.
3) Brett Favre
America blames you, Packer Nation, for foisting this ass-clown upon us. Specifically, if the Packers would have gotten rid of Favre after the 2005 season when it was clear the end was coming, none of us would have had to live through all his bullshit drama in the years since.
4) More Brett Favre
Want to see the 2nd dumbest guy in America? Look for a guy in a Green Bay Packer Brett Favre jersey. Want to see the dumbest guy in America? Look for a guy in a Minnesota Viking Brett Favre jersey.
5) The Cheesehead
There’s not very many ways to look dumber than a guy with a foam-rubber wedge of cheese on his head; although painting the “G” on your face backward is one.
6) The Cheese Bra
Honestly, I’m not sure what to say about this. other than it is so blatantly, so purely wrong. Good thing its not cheese panties, lest the jokes head off in a very bad direction very quickly.
7) Vince Lombardi is not God; Packer fans are all going to hell
“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; you shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments.”
8 ) Tony Mandarich
Or as I like to call him, the George Washington of the steroid era; Mandarich was the first guy to bring performance enhancing drugs to the forefront in big-time American sports. The Packers ignored all the warning signs surrounding this horse-juice pin-cushion when they wasted the second overall draft pick on him in 1989. Sure, he may have been a physical specimen, but the rumblings were out there his physique came courtesy of the syringe; he may have been a first-team All-American, an Outland Award finalist and a two-time Big Ten Lineman of the Year, but he was also a first-class tool. This was evidenced by his challenging then-heavyweight boxing Champion Mike Tyson to a fight, and constantly missing scheduled public appearances due to being drunk or hungover.
9) These Guys
Man, am I worn thin of all of these guys tricking out firefighter gear for their teams. The Jets ‘ Fireman Ed was the first, and he pre-dated 9/11. All the rest of you are just pretenders. Don’t get me wrong, every firehouse house in the world has two types of firefighters; there will be eight who are the best people on the planet, and there will be two douche-nozzles who bust everybody’s balls over whether the cupcakes are gluten-free. Guess which these two are?
10) Jessica Biel is a Packer fan
Honestly, Biel’s football allegiances matter little, other than her declarations during Super Bowl week just served as a reminder that I’m likely never going to tap that, and for that alone, I can say fuck the Packers.