Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: Spurrier Urban Wiley
Certain people should never be allowed to have children. While there are many types, today we need to discuss those who name their kids after football coaches. If for no other reason, those kids have no future. The following story more than illustrates that.
When Urban Meyer decided to take the Ohio State job less than a year after retiring from Florida, many Gator fans were upset with their former coach. But few more so than Jen Wiley, who named her son after Urban because of her and her husband’s allegiance to Florida.
Wiley’s son, now 4 years old, is actually named Spurrier Urban Wiley, after Florida’s two national championship winning coaches — Steve Spurrier and Meyer — but after Meyer’s move to the Big Ten, Wiley wants to change her son’s middle name.
“My husband and I got married in 1996, when Spurrier won the championships,” she said, “and then we conceived in 2006 when Urban Meyer won the championship.”
It was a seemingly perfect fit for these Florida fanatics, until now. So mom’s ready for a change.
OK, so mom decides because Urban Meyer moved on, it is time to double-down on the mistake she made naming the kid in the first place. Let’s take a look at what that means…
1) Mom has a weak sense of commitment
First of all, there’s almost no chance this kids’ parents remain married until he reaches adulthood. Mom is out the door the first time Dad farts during dinner. Not to mention, what’s Mom going to do the first time the kid pisses her off? Shoot him?
2) Mom has a warped sense of gratitude
Urban Meyer did all he was going to do at Florida. Instead of being grateful for what he did, this particular Gator fan is bitter that it was time for him to move on. What did she want Meyer to do? Have some early success , then spend two decades as mushroom on the sideline a la Bobby Bowden?
3) Mom missed a major point
There’s a reason why one should wait until a person is dead before you start naming things after them. The story nailed the reason specific to this case.
Raise your hand if you thought Meyer was going to stay retired. Anyone? Anyone? Coaches lie, they change their minds, they switch jobs. The best thing fans can do is not get too emotional and name their kids after them.
So, what is Mom’s solution?
“I want to change his middle name,” she said…If he does, she’s thinking Tim after Tim Tebow, the great Gator quarterback who is becoming a star in the NFL.
Perfect…nothing like illustrating your weak sense of commitment by replacing the name of a coach with that of a current fad.
My sympathies are with you, Spurrier Urban Wiley, or whatever your name will end up being. Not only did your mother give you a name which guarantees at least half the state of Florida will want to beat your ass on daily basis, she’s going to use you as her own personal platform.
Nothing like being only 4 years old when you realize you are screwed.
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Since the Mushroom Capitol of the World (Kennett Square PA) is just down the road a bit from me, I must rush to the defense of all innocent mushrooms everywhere in their decay factor being compared to Bobby Bowden. “Dad gumit,” that’s just wrong.
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You and I are obviously tremendous sports fans.
That being said, there’s nothing more annoying than over-the-top sports fan guy. You know the one. He wears his matching hat and jersey everywhere, shouts at the top of his lungs with every play, pounds his hands on the bar and has absolutely nothing at all intelligent to say about anything that doesn’t involve his team.
Oh wait, there is something more annoying than that.
That person in female form.
Stick to naming your pets after sports figure and as you mention, honor your children by naming them after people that really made an impact on your life, not someone you’ve never even met.
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Wow, this is ridiculous. Fortunately, most of my teams have managers I end up despising so this will never be a problem!
I wonder how many kids born this year are named Tim in Denver?!?
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Great job, funny post! I think it is sad the someone would name his/her own kid something this obnoxious. Some names are out of control…
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I gotta side with Humph here. I would NEVER consider naming my kid after a pro sports figure. Those people are all losers.
As for the kids themselves, everytime some kid like this gets a raw deal (is named something stupid, gets hit by a train and becomes paralyzed, father ends up being Randy Quaid or some shit), the media mistakenly assumes that kid was going to grow up to be the president.
The fact is, you can judge a book by its cover. If the kid’s parents are that fucked up in the head, the likelihood that child is going to do anything other than wrap a chili dog in aluminum foil is almost nil.
One of the problems we have in this country is that we invest TOO much into our kids. Yes, kids are our future. But so is the technology that we develop before all of the smart and decent people die off.
Just remember that movie “Philadelphia” with Tom Hanks, where his mother named him something weird and he faced so much social persecution from his peers that he was taken to court and eventually died. There’s a really important lesson about bullying there.
Meehan
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