What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
In our ongoing effort to provide you with coverage of the Olympics that you just won’t get anywhere else, we’ve decided to give you a rundown of the first weekend of the 30th Olympiad in pictures. They say one picture is worth a thousand words, but posting a picture is a hell of a lot easier than writing.
The Opening Ceremonies contained an address from Queen Elizabeth II, who has been on the British Throne for 60 years.
All of Britain needs to thank the Queen for their country hosting the Olympics. As we all know, Great Britain is completely broke, and if it weren’t for the Queen picking up a part-time job, these games may have never happened.
The Opening Ceremonies were full of surprises. For example, I had no idea David Bowie was the Grand Duke of Luxembourg.
Another tradition of the Opening Ceremonies is the festooning of the atheletes in ridiculous outfits. Here Kobe Bryant looks like a cross between a French waiter and Carlton from “The Fresh Prince,” while Pau Gasol resembles the tallest valet parking attendant at an Australian steak house.
However, upon further review, we realized Pau Gasol’s look is actually an homage to SCTV President Guy Caballero.
Speaking of Pau Gasol, the upset of the Games so far was the elimination of his homeland, Spain, from the Olympic soccer tournament. The Spanish team was heavily favored to win the gold medal, but consecutive losses to Japan and Honduras put an end to that. Naturally, Los Angeles Lakers’ fans are blaming this defeat on Gasol.
Wherever you have a large event, you will have politicians. Mitt Romney to Matt Lauer: “I have great hair and you do not. Your question is invalid.”
I’m pretty sure the only reason Michelle Obama scored is because the Secret Service told Spongebob to take a dive.
And if you can draw politicians, you can draw C-list celebrities. Here’s Giada De Larentiis from the Food Network moments before she made a casserole out of members of the U.S. women’s field hockey team.
While normally not a cannibal, De Laurentiis was excited to finally get some food in Great Britain which didn’t taste like an armpit, even she had to make it herself.
As far as the coverage of the Games is concerned, these people need to be majorly commended for the fact they finally got Craig Sager to wear something not ridiculous. I heard it took the entire Serbian judo team to wrestle him into the polo shirt. Seriously, some of the shit this guy wears is seizure-inducing.
Speaking of neurologic conditions, did boxing analyst Teddy Atlas have a stroke or are his obvious cognitive and speech deficits the result of being hit in the face 10,000 times?
As far as the events themselves are concerned, Kimberly Rhode became the first American to win an individual medal in 5 different Olympiads when she took the gold in skeet shooting. Naturally, her skills with a shotgun make her the most useful Olympian to have around when the zombie apocalypse comes.
In other shooting sports, why was the chick from “The Hunger Games” not on the archery team?
Instead, we get some blind Korean guy, who is shown here moments before he pumped an arrow into his seeing eye dog.
If you think a blind archer is insane, that’ s nothing compared to this Montenegran water polo dude, who looks like an iceberg made of pure, uncut, 100% batshit crazy.
There must be a connection between water and crazy. I’m not sure what this really is, but it sure looks crazy.
And while it might not be crazy, I had no idea synchronized lesbianism was an Olympic event.
If you’be been paying attention to the Dubsism coverage of the Olympics, you know we have a fondness for the beach volleyball. I’m sure you can figure out why.
However, thanks to the British Isles’ vile climate, we now get fully-clothed beach volleyball. There is no God.
This, of course, meant the perverts need to find an alternate venue. Note the guy in the corner getting an eye full.
Today’s Olympic Fact You Didn’t Know:
In Team Handball, the “Purple Nurple” is an acceptable defensive technique.
Olympic Babe You Haven’t Heard Of Yet:
Italian gymnast Vanessa Ferrari. I think we love this woman because a) insert your own “Ferrari” joke here, b) serves in the Italian Army, and c) is a gymnast who is actually above the legal drinking age. You can check out her webpage, but unless you can read Italian, it won’t do you much good.