Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: Battle of the Network Stars Is Back
Unless this is your first time visiting this blog, you know I am continually bemoaning the ever-increasing crap-tacular nature of ESPN. The World Wide Bottom Feeder has managed to make many things about sports completely unwatchable, and now another media sludge-pump also owned by those assholes at Disney is taking us even further down the sports shitter.
According to Awful Announcing, ABC is resurrecting “Battle of the Network Stars.”
Ever wonder who’d win a game of tug-of-war between CBS and ABC?
Ok, you probably haven’t, but you might found out soon anyway, as ABC is rebooting the 1970s and 80s hit “Battle of the Network Stars,” a game show that pits TV personalities from ABC, CBS and NBC against each other in athletic competitions. Previous contest have included kayak races, tug-of-war and 3-on-3 football.
According to Variety, ABC has begun a casting search in hopes of shooting in May and airing the special over the summer.
Yeah…so much for making America great again. The first episode aired last night…and it was awful.
If you’re under 40, you used to be lucky enough to have never known this, but it was simultaneously gripping and horrible. You can see full episodes for yourself on YouTube, but here’s the essence of it boiled down to nine minutes. For the best part, start watching at the 1:15 mark, and count how long it takes it takes for somebody to say something that would have got them killed in today’s PC world.
Again, the under-40 crowd has no idea who Telly Savalas, Robert Conrad, and Gabe Kaplan were, and more importantly, they have no idea of the days when celebrities were unique, larger-than-life characters. Not to mention, this good-natured banter between the three that would be called “racism” today is being moderated by pre-drag queen Bruve Jenner.
The original “Battle of the Network Stars” aired on ABC between 1976 and 1988, with Howard Cosell hosting all but one year. Other hosts included Bruce Jenner, O.J. Simpson, Frank Gifford and Billy Crystal, while competitors included Cheryl Tiegs, Robin Williams, Tom Selleck, William Shatner, Mr. T and many, many others. The specials were often held twice a year, in May and December.
That list is but a sample, but today’s “celebrities” can’t come close to the personal of old-school “Hollywood.” Look at today’s collection of fluff-muffins in the entertainment and tell me where the next Shatner or Mr. T is. They don’t have one, because with very few exceptions, they’re a bunch of mealy-mouthed crybabies who take themselves too seriously and have absolutely no fucking sense of humor.
The clash of personalities was the gripping part of the original version of “Battle of the Network Stars.” Once you remove that, you’re simply left with the horrible.
First of all, you can tell ABC knew this as the show opened with a “call-back” to the old “Wide World of Sports,” complete with the original footage of Dubsy award namesake Vinko Bogotaj eating it off the ski jump.
That’s why our award for achievements in epic failure bears the Slovenian skier’s moniker, and it’s quite possible this show could be winning said prize. Like I said, it’s awful.
The harkening to a previous era only continues with an open spliced full of Howard Cosell voice-overs. Then there’s the list of “celebrities” this show is trotting out. There’s a red team and a blue team, one captained by former NFL quarterback destroyer DeMarcus Ware; the other led by of the great sporting frauds of our time in Ronda Rousey. Last night’s inaugural episode showcased sides comprised of sitcom stars like Bronson Pinchot of “Perfect Strangers,” Tom Arnold of “Roseanne,” and Dave Coulier of “Full House” against television “kids” such as Tracey Gold of “Growing Pains,” Joey Lawrence of “Blossom,” and…get this…Kim Fields and Lisa Whelchel of “The Facts of Life.”
Am I the only one who noticed a large number of these “celebrities” are from a by-gone era in television history? I don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing that “Tootie” and “Blair” are both pushing 50 years old (if they aren’t already there). Once again, you may have to explain to the under-40 crowd just who the hell these people are. But we already know why they’re here.
Sadder still is one person the youngsters might actually recognize is one of the hosts. If ABC thinks for the minutest fraction of a second that one can replace Howard Cosell with a sissy-boy turd-flume like Mike Greenberg…well, that might explain why they think people might watch a 60-something Tom Arnold trying not to have a heart-attack during a tug-of-war.
Mrs. J-Dub felt it necessary to grab this on our DVR, and I’m here to tell you that if you feel the same curiousity-based need to do the same, go 100% Anti-Nike…just DON’T do it. Curiousity kills cats, and “Battle of the Network Stars” will kill your Thursday nights.
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Back then, I think it was George Carlin who suggested/demanded that the next
Battle of the Network Stars should be fought with guns.
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You are correct, sir. The only problem is celebrities probably shoot like Byron Buxton hits.
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I imagine there’s a reason they’re bringing back shows like this, the Gong Show and other such retreads. These were, at least back then, proven commodities, shows people actually watched.
Who the hell watches sitcoms these days? Don’t get me wrong. Throw Sofia Vergara on one of those old school, one-piece swimsuits and I’m tuning in. Otherwise, I’d dare to venture no current sitcom star can command the screen like Lou Ferigno knocking off that Duracell from Robert Conrad’s shoulder.
If they really wanted to attract viewers from multiple generations, they’d have the old school Battle of the Stars actors (those that aren’t dead or multi-gendered) and have them square off against the ones of today that nobody has heard of.
Either that of just have the six stars of Friends face off in a grudge match to the death to see which one is left standing. My money’s on Aniston. She may be the odds on favorite going in but I still think that’s the safest play.
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