Signs We Are Near the End Of Civilization: “Gronk” Says Something Outrageous, People Are Shocked
Even if you don’t live in the greater Boston area, and even if you aren’t the most ardent sports fan, you probably know who Rob Gronkowski is. Conversely, if you are a die-hard Bostonian sports nut; the kind who would drop a sizable wad of cash to be at a roast of David Ortiz, you abso-fucking-lutely know all about the “Gronk.” In either case, unless the term “Gronk” means as much to you as an advanced discussion in particle physics, you can’t be surprised whenever you hear tales of Gronkowski doing something over the top.
Forget the part where I said “roast.” Like I said, if the planet which is your sports fandom orbits the “Gronk” star, “over the top” is a much a part of your lexicon as “touchdown.” Take that as a given, add it to the phenomenon known as a “roast;” you know, where people who can take a joke join together and say the most horrible things to each other for the sake of …having a fucking laugh.
Considering all that, the question becomes who could possibly be surprised that a roast for Boston sports legend David “Big Papi” Ortiz (believe me, as a fan of the Minnesota Twins, saying that gives me nuclear-powered acid reflux…more on that later) headlined by the “Gronk” might be a bit raucous?
The answer: the infected cunt-drips at the Huffington Post. Yeah, I know HuffPo is the electronic equivalent of fish-wrap, and the people who give it any credibility have the intellectual capacity of a butter knife, but leave it to these dilcues to scream about “racism” art a roast. Next thing you know, they’ll want to hand out speeding tickets at the Indy 500.
To be fair, the oatmeal-heads at HuffPo are only mirroring the politically correct bullshit atmosphere propagated by it’s legions of butter-knife brains, but the idea that a roast which was done for the purpose of being put on television (meaning it would have been edited) for the purposes of raising funds for a children’s charity (which they killed by not airing it).
Let’s also forget about the fact the PC-turd swallowers killed off a lot of potential revenue over a bunch of stuff they called “racism,” which most people with a functioning cerebral cortex know is complete bilge (our friends at TurtleBoy Sports have the definitive breakdown of who we’re talking about). Let’s instead look at the jokes and rate them on a funny/racist scale of 1 to 5.
As seen in video obtained by TMZ, the NFL star threw in a hackneyed swipe. “You wanna know why Jews do play football?” he asked. “To get their quarter back, you cheap fuck.”
- Funny Rating: 1.5
- Racist Rating: 2.0
Is there a more stereotypical gag than Jews being cheap? This is what we call in comedy a “stock joke;” meaning it’s really neither edgy or all that funny. Think of it it as the bread crumbs ini a comedy meatloaf…even the best acts contain some filler.
Addressing actor Anthony Mackie, who played Falcon in the “Captain America” and “Avengers” movies, Gronkowski said, “That’s the black guy. You know, who can even fly when he’s not being chased by cops. That’s his superpower.”
- Funny Rating: 2.5
- Racist Rating: 3.5
That line was a a bit predictable, and it’s really pretty tame as far as being racially-charged. But not every joke makes “LAPD-on-Rodney King” kind of contact.
Comedian Sarah Tiana…also directed some awkward shtick at Mackie. “Anthony is here because we needed someone to be racist to and Adam Jones had a game tonight.”
- Funny Rating: 4.5
- Racist Rating: 2.0
Do you know what it means when you have a woman nailing the funniest joke of the night? It means there were no good Jew comics there. Fuck, how can you have a roast and not have Jeff Ross there? That’s almost as bad as having Adam Jones there, and not having hamhocks and collard greens at his table. In case you don’t get the bit here, Adam Jones is the Orioles outfielder who claimed he was called the N-word several times at Fenway Park, yet there was never any proof of that claim, and it was credibly discredited by our friends at TurtleBoy Sports not just once, but again, and again, and again. That’s why this joke rate low on the “racist” scale because it’s really more of an “Adam Jones is a lying asshole” gag rather than playing to the classic tool of the true racist quip…the stereotype.
Now, for the kill-shot for the people who think this stuff is offensive. If the goal was to have real over-the-top stuff at a David Ortiz roast, they should have called me. Believe me, I got nothing but jokes for this room full of Boston baked bean-brains. After all, Ortiz was one of original “Sports Doppelgangers.”
1) People say Boston is a “racist” city. I say Bostonians are too fucking stupid to be good racists. Watch…they’ll crash “Jew – Not a Jew” once I tell them Mark Wahlberg is a lonsman.
2) Do you want to know why Aaron Hernandez really killed himself in prison? After three years in stir, he finally got to the point where he could do that Ron Jeremy “suck your own dick” thing, only to find out he couldn’t do it as well as Robert Kraft.
3) As a Minnesota Twins fan…all I have to say is “Fuck David Ortiz.” The Twins and their fans are like a family, which is why “Big Papi” leaving Minnesota never surprised me. Nobody knows more about abandoning their family like a black guy.
Now that’s racist…and funny.
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Good thing I missed the roast. Doesn’t sound like I missed anything at all.
Guess I’ll just go back to watching re-runs of Pedro mop-flopping Don Zimmer for far more comedic value.
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True…there were much funnier, and much more offensive jokes in roast we did a while back https://dubsism.com/2015/04/25/the-bloggers-roast-of-j-dub-2/
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