What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
It’s oldest tradition we have here at Dubsism…every January since this blog was created, we have given an award for achievements during the previous year in some under-recognized categories in the world of sports. In prior years, the nominations for the awards were done exclusively by an internal committee, but we’ve had so much success allowing nominations from the general public that we had no choice but to continue that.
Between our committee and our valued readers, we had more quality nominations than we could ever possibly use. We received close to 84,000 nominations, and believe it or not, we read every goddamn one of them. But it means you are reading this blog, and thank you so much for that.
More detailed information on last year’s winners can be found here.
With that, and after careful consideration, here are the winners of the Ninth Annual Dubsy awards.
The Mickey Klutts Award for Unfortunate Naming
At first, this one confused me. I thought Kobe was beef, but a buffalo is a member of the Bovidae family just like the familiar beef cattle. In any event, it’s a “first ballot” hall of fame name for an offensive lineman.
As for Stick, it’s too bad NCAA players can’t have endorsement deals, because there’s just far too many possibilites. For starters Easton plays for the Bison, which is in the same conference as Illinois State. Perhaps he could partner with Mr. Buffalomeat and get the Slim Jim people to make the Easton Buffalomeat Stick.
That’s how you think outside the box, people.
Previous Co-Winners: Edgar Allan Poe, Wide Receiver, Army and Weston Steelhammer, Safety, Air Force
The Bobby Knight Award for Achievements in Dramatic Public Meltdowns
When you put two crazy people together, it’s insane to think some crazy shit isn’t going to happen. That’s why the live analysis immediately after the Floyd Mayweather- Conor McGregor fight is our clear winner. Crazy begats crazy, and anybody familiar with Teddy Atlas knows he loves a strange analogy; much like those who who know Stephen A. Smith understand he’s a master of “shout television.”
After the fight, Atlas compares Mayweather’s performance to that of a gourmet chef in the ring; as opposed to McGregor’s being a fast-food cook. Smith went with Atlas’ analogy, but did so in usual loud-ass way which both lowered the level of discourse and raised Atlas’ blood pressure to the point that he’s all up in Smith’s grill mimicking punches and screaming some incoherent drivel about “cheeseburgers.” I’m pretty sure I’m wasn’t the only person who was praying Teddy would cold-cock ESPN’s resident gas-choad.
In any other year, Fizdale’s epic rant about the crappy quality of NBA officiating would have won because not only was he right, but he nailed a catch-phrase. There’s no denying “take that for data” got it’s Warholian fifteen minutes as an NBA meme.
Previous Winner: Jim Mora, Former NFL head coach and current TV analyst
Why is Cosmo a winner? Just check out this dude’s dance moves.
If you think rivalries in American sports can get heated, check out what happens in Europe where many rivalries date back to the city-state era when the sport of the time was capturing the other guy’s king and jaunting about town with his head on a stick. One such rivalry is between Schalke 04 and Dortmund in the Bundesliga. During this past year’s installment of this rivalry, Schalke 04 supporters felt they got jobbed by the referee, so much so the team’s mascot ran on to the pitch and red-carded the official.
Previous Winner: Every mascot in this video
The Budd Dwyer Award for Excellence in Career Suicide
This story is so exceptionally unbelievable I’m just going to leave this here. From the Spokane Spokesman-Review:
…a Ferris [high school] player came forward and said that while Sharkey was grilling, he turned with his exposed penis inside a hot dog bun. Sharkey said, “You think that is a big dog – take a look at this,” according to school records that listed multiple different versions of the same quote.
Now this is America where everybody is innocent until proven guilty, but this guy couldn’t have worse timing. In an era where the #MeToo movement is getting lot of traction labeling every male in America as a sexual predator, running around with your dick in a hot dog bun spells the end of a high-school coaching career.
McElwain’s situation isn’t as egregious, but it is as inexplicable. Much like there really isn’t a good reason to put your junk in a hot dog bun in front of other people, it’s pretty hard to justify telling your boss you are getting death threats, then offering absolutely no evidence to support your claim.
Previous Winner: Trent Baalke, former general manager, San Francisco 49ers
The Ed Hochuli Award for the Best Call
Last March, the University of North Dakota made it’s inaugural appearance in the NCAA basketball tournament in Salt Lake City. But they realized they had a problem because the school’s traveling band was already committed to accompanying the hockey team to its tournament. So, they called a local high school in Utah and asked if they could borrow their band. Deck out the high schoolers in green t-shirts and voilà…problem solved
Just up the road from Salt Lake City lies Boise State University, whose fans would like you to know their dislike of Colin Kaepernick stems back to his days at conference rival Nevada.
Previous Winner: Frank Kaminsky, Forward, Charlotte Hornets
The Jason Sehorn Award for Being Completely Overrated
I was a Joe Flacco apologist for a long time because I managed to win a fantasy football championship with him. I can also say the same thing about Jay Cutler. The difference is nobody in the history of ever called Cutler “over-rated.” But it is time to make that admission with Joe Flacco.
Here’s a guy who basically has built his entire career off an incredible five-week playoff run in 2012. It was because of his performance in that postseason run to a Super Bowl victory the Ravens gave him $120.6 million contract, which not so coincidentally crippled Baltimore in the free-agent market because of that deal’s wrecking-ball effect on the team salary cap. The worst part is it isn’t as if Flacco had a phenomenal 2012 regular season; he ranked 14th in passing yards, 15th in touchdown passes, and 19th in completion percentage. That’s first-class money for a guy who simply isn’t a “difference-maker.” If you doubt that, consider the fact the Ravens have had three losing seasons in the five since then.
As for Harbaugh, everybody who thinks this guy is a great coach tends to forget his “high-water” mark is getting dominated in a Super Bowl by Joe Flacco, then going to Michigan where he has yet to finish better than 3rd place in the B1G Ten East. Not to mention, Michigan’s collapse in their bowl game against South Carolina has his team in the early running for next year’s Dubsy for Epic Failure.
Previous Winner: LeBron James, Forward Cleveland Cavaliers
The Clinton-Nixon Award for Cover-Up Futility
Every time I think Kommissar Goodell can’t do anything dumber than he already has, he finds ways to hit new lows. The way he handled the national anthem protest was this year new low. This situation required a decisive action; he either needed to full-on embrace the protest or gorilla-stomp it out of existence because politically he had to come out of that mess with one side feeling like they got what they wanted from him. But by going “full gutless” by pretending that he hadn’t allowed politics to infect the game and giving a “neither-nor” response, he started a feud with the league’s most powerful owner and virtually guaranteed problems with the player’s union come the end of the current collective bargaining agreement.
Oh…in case you hadn’t noticed, the NFL’s television rating are down by nearly 10% for the second straight year. Draw your own inferences.
When I first heard about ESPN’s John Skipper and his abrupt resignation, I couldn’t help but think it didn’t make any sense. Nobody quits their job over substance abuse; they don’t have to once the Americans With Disablilties codified addiction as a protected condition for which one cannot be fired. In fact, many employer-sponsored health insurance plan will pay for some form of rehabilitation. That’s why this story tripped my “Spidey Sense” because when I’m not blogging, I’ve been in business and management for close to 25 years, and some of that time was in human resources; I knew this “addiction” story didn’t add up. Clay Travis at Outkick The Coverage broke the story that Skipper’s tale was hogwash.
Previous Winner: The English South Yorkshire Police
The Charles O. Finley Award for Achievements in Cheap
The sheer level of fumble-fuckery in this story warrants not one but two Dubsy awards. The first stems from the fact the brain-trust in Knoxville did a “Lucy pulling the football” at least three times to their athletic director by killing at least two (and probably more) hires by letting the guy negotiate an agreement in principle, then telling him they won’t pony up the cash.
All that needs to be said about Spanos is his team is now playing in a 27,000 seat soccer stadium, which is a monument to the fact he spent twenty years not understanding the city of San Diego was never going to build a stadium for the Chargers.
Previous Winner: The Florida Panthers
The Joe Kapp Award for Being Run Out of Town
The second of two Dubsys going to the disaster that was the Tennessee football situation. “Disaster” doesn’t even really do it justice. This was a dumpster fire on board the Hindenburg crashing into the Titanic while the shipboard theater was showing the all-female remake of Ghostbusters. Not only did the University of Tennessee make itself look like every inbred Southerner stereotype, it guaranteed it will be quite some time before any “big name” coach comes anywhere near Knoxville. Not to mention, the Volunteer fan base did a wonderful job of trashing the future and never was head football coach Greg Schiano by labeling him a “child molester” simply because he was an assistant coach at Penn State in the Sandusky era. That’s the same mentality as shooting out your light bulbs so the sun will come up.
As for Baker and Girardi, it’s too bad Hallmark doesn’t make a card which says something like “Congratulations on making the play-offs. You’re fired!”
Previous Winner: Bob Bradley, Former Manager, Swansea City, English Premier League
The Bobby Layne Award for Best Performance While Drunk
According to the Washington County, Arkansas sheriff’s office, a police officer was flagged down to take an assault and battery report at 2:30 on an early Saturday morning. The person who flagged the officer was yelling at Mayfield, who told the officer he had been trying to break up an altercation. The officer asked Mayfield to stay so that he could take his statement, at which point Mayfield began “yelling profanities and causing a scene.” The report stated Mayfield had slurred speech, had difficulty walking down stairs and was covered in food on the front of his clothing. According to the report, when the officer asked Mayfield to come over, he began to walk away. When the officer told him to stop, Mayfield sprinted away, which forced the officer to chase him and tackle him to the ground.
Staying in the Big 12, what do you do with a guy in a buckskin suit and holding a musket? You give him a breathalyzer during a traffic stop, at which point he blows a .126, which is good enough for a night on the courtesy of the county. Frankly, I didn’t know drinking and driving was illegal in West Virginia. After all, this is a state where it’s legal to rape somebody as long as you are wearing a flannel shirt.
Previous Winner: Bruce Miller, Former Tight End, San Francisco 49ers
The Artis Gilmore Award for Achievements in Hair Boldness
It’s part Billy Ray Cyrus and part Jaromir Jagr. It is also 100% “The 1990’s,” which is why Mike Gundy’s mullet is our winner.
But because we have an all-time all-mustache baseball team, we want this guy as it’s official fan
Previous Winner: Gianmarco Tamberi, Italian High Jumper
The Kyle Orton Award for Achievements in Partying
It’s actually pretty simple. If you are going to blow-up social media with pictures of you partying on a boat before a play-off game, you’d better win said game or you’re going to look like a huge dick. This is only one of several ways Odell Beckham, Jr. painted himself phallic pink this past year.
At least Chris Hogan waited until after the Patriots’ Super Bowl victory before he engaged in what teammate Danny Amendola called “questionable activity.” We don’t really know what he meant by that, but rumors persist that Snoop Dogg may have played a significant role in whatever transpired.
Previous Winner: Rob Gronkowski, Tight End, New England Patriots
The Vasily Alexseyev Award for Plus-Sized Achievement
When you’re known as the “Roly-Poly Goalie,” you’re destined to figure prominently in the discussion for this award, especially when you’re caught on camera wolfing down a pie during a match.
With his club down 2-0 in a FA Cup draw against Premier League giants Arsenal, non-league Sutton United reserve keeper Shaw decided there was no way he was going into the game, so he had a snack. We only hope he also washed it down with a stout.
We really need to offer a “tip of the cap” to CC Sabathia, who had his best season in recent memory anchoring a Yankee’s pitching staff which came within a sniff of going to the World Series.
Previous Winner: Joey Julius, Place Kicker, Penn State
The Jamie Moyer Award for Excellence in Geriatrics
Let’s just cut through the crap here…what the Patriots are accomplishing now is 100% the doing of “Timeless” Tom Brady. Without their 40-year quarterback and whatever time-defying experimental Russian ‘roids he’s on, the Patriots are not even as good as the Buffalo Bills. If you you doubt that, put the two rosters side-by-side, and tell me how many times the Bills have a better player at a given roster spot. But Brady solves all of those problems, and the fact he’s doing it in his 40’s just makes me want and big dose of whatever he’s getting from those damn Russians.
I understand playing quarterback in the NFL is a tougher job than being a kicker, but the fact 45-year old Adam Vinitieri is still at the top of his game is no less remarkable.
Previous Winner: Jaromir Jagr, Forward, Calgary Flames
The Vinko Bogotaj Award For Epic Failure
It would take something on a completely different scale to surpass the complete collapse of the Atlanta Falcons in the Super Bowl. Leave it to some lawless English soccer hooligans to do just that.
The fans of London side Crystal Palace decided it would be a bit of fun to vandalize the visiting club’s bus. Armed with spray paint, they did about £40,000 worth of damage to a bus they thought belonged to Middlesbrough.
The problem was Middlesbrough didn’t take a bus to get to London. They flew, and borrowed one of Crystal Palace’s buses to get to the stadium from the airport. In other words, they defaced their own club’s bus.
Previous Winner: The National Hockey League
The Joe Theismann Award For Gruesome Injuries
It’s pretty hard not to give this award to a guy who suffered a fatal injury on the field. In a rush for the ball in front of the goal, Huda collided with his own defender and suffered serious damage to his head and neck. Despite being rushed to the hospital, he died shortly thereafter. As gruesome as what happened to Gordon Hayward was, it pales in comparison to getting killed.
Previous Winner: Brian McGrattan, Defenseman, San Diego Gulls (AHL)
The Dick Vermeil Award For Great Moments in Crying:
This is the inaugural award in this category, and we have two perfect examples of why this award was created. Both these moments come to us courtesy of March Madness, but one is very positive and the other…well, not so much.
On the upside, Frank Martin gives us the purest example of the Vermielian spirit; he breaks down while talking about how much he loves his players. This came during a press conference following the end of South Carolina’s “Cinderella” run to the Final Four.
On the not-so-positive side, there’s this fucking kid. During this game, during which Northwestern pretty much never had a chance, the cameras cut to this little snowflake at least a dozen times, all of which I’m wondering what is this little bastard crying about? His team is getting beat by the #1 seed; Northwestern was a #8. They were SUPPOSED to lose.
Not to mention, this little twerp isn’t old enough to understand that Northwestern sucks at EVERYTHING except producing professional noise-holes like Mike Greenberg and Michael Wilbon. That’s not the kids fault; he’s just another example of how we’ve done a wonderful job in this country of raising two successive generation of complete weenies. This kids parent’s obviously failed him, and if I ever become emperor, this kid and his whole family would be deported to Pussylvania.
The Gene Mauch Lifetime Achievement Award
Winner: Dan Marino, former quarterback, Miami Dolphins (nominated by Frank Furter)
Dan Marino is easily one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the game (#5 all-time according to our list). He’s the highest ranked guy on this list that never won a Championship, and it really doesn’t matter. No matter what your criteria, if Marino doesn’t grade out as a top five quarterback, your list is wrong. His 48 touchdown, 5,000-yard campaign in 1984 is one of the great single-season performances in all of sport, not just football. That year, Marino broke the NFL record for touchdown passes by 12, led the league by 16, was ahead of the second-most prolific passer by 400 yards and 1,000 ahead of #3.
Marino defined the term “playing at a high level” for 17 seasons. When he retired, Marino held many NFL passing records, including total yards, touchdowns, and career completions.
His 1984 season with 5,000 yards and 48 touchdowns was one of the greatest years in NFL history. He took the Dolphins to ten trips to the play-offs. He led the league in completions five times. He did the same with passing yards. He was the leader in touchdown passes for three straight seasons.
But what was most impressive about Marino is his ability to avoid sacks despite the fact he was not exactly what you would call mobile. Marino has yet to be passed in sack percentage. That includes 1988, a season in which he was sacked six times in 606 passing attempts. and was sacked just six times. That a percentage of 0.0099%
Despite all that, Marino never got to the top of the football mountain.
Previous Winner: Frank Beamer