What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
In a recent guest column, we had a guest column from a former NFL place kicker who had a call-out for anybody who wants to make jokes at the expense of guys who miss crucial kicks.
Say what you will, I’m a firm believer there’s nothing off-limits for the being the butt of a joke. That’s why I didn’t call him out for making jokes about 9/11 and 13-year-olds contracting sexually transmitted diseases. Let him answer his own hate mail; I get enough of my own.
I’m not going to speak for anybody other than myself here; I’m going on record as saying that from a gambler’s perspective, kickers rate such ridicule because they are the single position in football upon whose toes ride millions of dollars. The classic example came to light in last week’s Purdue-Boston college tilt. Boston College hadn’t scored less than 30 points in a game this season, and Purdue is a team with a potent offense and a defense that couldn’t stop a Girl Scout cookie sale. Despite that, the Boilers hadn’t lost a game by more than four points all season. In other words, they give it up faster than a cheerleader on prom night, but they score more than than the recently departed Burt Reynolds in his prime.
When I saw the opening line on that game posted with an over/under of 45, I threw my house payment at it. Apparently, every other degenerate gambler in America saw what I saw because that line moved faster and farther than the rocket Purdue’s own Neil Armstrong rode to the fucking moon. By game time, I was seeing O/Us as high as 65.
I flip on my television confident I’m going to watch the bankroll of the J-Dub Gambling Challenge swell faster than Michael Moore’s colon six hours after he did his best damage at “Dollar Taco Night.” But the tacos were made of soy and spiced with broken dreams. Purdue covered their end of the spread, but Boston College left their offense in the overhead bins of the chartered Boeing that brought them to West Lafayette.
The first warning sign came early in the first quarter when Purdue shanked an extra-point after scoring their second touchdown. As long as I’ve been a gambler, I’ve ALWAYS thought of those early missed kicks as an omen. Its like the first time you saw “Star Wars;” you didn’t know a damn thing about Darth Vader, you just knew some bad shit was going to happen and that dude was going to be in the picture when it went down.
I wasn’t wrong. Not only was there one missed PAT, Boston College contributed one of their own, then during a third-quarter swap-meet of interceptions in which each side could have notched at least a touchdown apiece, Purdue’s kicker (names omitted to protect a guy who is honestly still just a kid) rattled a field goal off the upright with such force it was more reminiscent of a garbage truck crunching your mailbox.
That brings us to some math you don’t need Neil Armstrong’s degree in aeronautical engineering to grasp. I bought that total at 45. The final score was 30-13. That’s 43. Add two missed extra points and the “crushed mailbox” field goal and the number becomes 48; Nirvana for a guy holding a ticket that says “over.”
This is where the jokes happen. Sure, one could point to Boston College’s offense needing an “Amber Alert.” That same dirty finger could be directed at the aforementioned third-quarter pick-fest. But kickers, and hence kicker jokes come from those moments featuring the little guy on the big-guy stage. The average football fan, let alone the average gambler isn’t going to to comb through four quarters of game recaps to understand why they didn’t get their number.
And that, sports fans…that’s how you get kicker jokes.
Perhaps Lady Luck should be a kicker, because her foot hasn’t missed my ass yet this year. Having said that, let’s get ready to gamble.
Thanks to the Supreme Court, gambling is no longer illegal at Bushwood, sir. However, the Supreme Court can’t really help me unless one of them is willing to keep Mrs. J-Dub from braining me with a cast-iron skillet if she found out how many dimes I’m dropping on college football. That means that as far as she knows, all wagers are mythical in nature and this is in no way, shape, or form a gambling advice column. In other words, if you lose your own “real” money, that’s nobody’s fault but yours, so don’t yell at me when we meet at the plasma center on Monday.
Ohio State (-3.5) at Penn State O/U 67.5
$100 Ohio State
J-Dub’s Payday of the Week:
Purdue (-3) at Nebraska O/U 55
$250 Purdue, $250 Over
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