Guest Column: Ali Haji-Sheikh “Kicker Jokes Aren’t Funny”
Editor’s note: For those of you who may not know, and we’re guessing that’s all of you, Ali Haji-Shiekh was a placekicker for the University of Michigan in the early 80’s, then went on to a rather short and mediocre NFL career.
Now, he’s a big man on the floor buffer at the Port Authority Bus Terminal, and he’s a little bitter about it. So we thought why not let him be an occasional guest commenter? What’s the worst that could happen?
Many of you may not remember me, so let me start by saying don’t let the name fool you. I’m not here to offer commentary on the current Middle East situation, nor am I here to blow up this blog (although that may not be such a bad idea). To refresh you, I was an NFL placekicker in the in the 1980’s, mostly for the New York Giants. Before that, I kicked for the University of Michigan.
Anyway, the dickweed who runs this blog spotted me at my job. OK, so I run a floor buffer at the Port Authority Bus Terminal. Don’t judge me. Like you are CEO of General Motors. Eat a hot bag of shit and howl at the moon. So, he sees me always muttering to myself about something and he asks me if want to be a guest columnist on his blog.
Now I figured this guy is running a real blog, not some little bullshit WordPress thing that nobody would look at if you printed it on $100 bills. But, since nobody else is asking me for shit other than extra floor wax, I figured I’d do it. Besides, you can take one look at this fatbag and tell he’s probably got a fully-stocked liquor cabinet. And I like liquor. A lot.
So, as I’m reading this piece of shit I’m going to be a guest-commenter on, and while I’m trying to figure out what I want to write about, I saw something that really pissed me off.
As today is NFL Sunday, let’s look back to last week when the Minnesota Vikings kicker Daniel Carlson missed three kicks and got cut the next day. But shit like this from the average dipshit fan isn’t cool. Where do you get off busting a placekicker’s balls whenever they miss? OK, I get that kid from the Vikings blew three kicks, and the NFL stands for “Not For Long” if you do that. But shit like this isn’t funny.
Let me tell you something. Giants fans were ruthless back in my day. You have no idea how many times I heard “Ali Haji-Shank” in the Meadowlands after missing a field goal. Can you imagine what New York fans would have done to me had my playing career been AFTER 9/11? Shit, on 9/12 I had every jerk-off at my job, even Renee the sperm-breath bus station hooker, asking me if I was going crash my floor-buffer into something, and I’m not even one of those assholes that wears a dishrag on his head and looks like he shaves with a fork.
First of all, Viking fans have a front-row seat when it comes to failure. That entire franchise is a monument to it. Of course, the fans who want to bust on kickers…you know, the “you had one job” jerk-offs…never seem to figure out that usually the only reason the kicker is even on the field in the first place is because the rest of the team fucked up. See, when you get these things called “first downs,” you don’t need to kick the goddamn ball. Unless you’re completely out of time, nobody kicks on first down.
Here’s another thing, Mr. “One Job.” You probably only have one job, too. And I’m pretty sure you’ve fucked up at your job, too. Imagine everything you do at your job being on TV, and every time you fuck up, 8,000 reporters spend a week talking about how much you suck. 90% of you criticizing Daniel Carlson would piss your pants the first time you had to walk on to the field in front of 70,000 screaming fans. You would go home to your shitty little one-bedroom apartment and stick a shotgun in your mouth if you had to take that kind of heat.
Like I said, it’s not like you never fucked up at your job. Working at the Port Authority, I see all you blowjobs on your way to work every morning. Most of you couldn’t find your cocks with both hands, and judging by how the men’s room floor always looks, you fuckwipes can’t handle it even if you can find it. You have no idea how funny it it is for me to watch your 300-pound fat, spotted ass getting off the 7:10 from Passaic stuffing a Krispy Kreme in your mouth with a hand covered in your own piss.
You also have no idea how funny it is that in the 36 seconds a day you don’t have your fucking mouth stuffed with something, you think I give a shit about your idiotic opinion on sports-talk radio. Yeah, forget about every coach, assistant coach, scout, player and every other guy who spent twenty years eating, breathing, and sleeping football…”Eddie from Fort Lee” just figured out that releasing a guy who just missed three field goals whose fucking job it is to make field goals might not be a bad idea.
The best part is you know the loudest “Eddies” in this world never made it past JV tight end, and yet they think Bill Belichick should be calling them for advice. You can always tell what losers these dickweeds are because none of them ever get laid. You can see it on their faces. How many top quality chicks do you think the “Eddies” of the world have nailed? Yeah, I thought so.
That’s another thing that pisses me off about these ass-loafs. In college, anybody with the football team gets more ass than a toilet seat. My senior year, we let Dan Dierdorf’s kid help out the equipment manager; within two weeks this poor kid got “The Clap,” and he was like 13 years old.
It gets better when you hit the NFL. On the field or off, kickers are all about scoring. We always lead the league in scoring, especially with all the other players’ women. Back in my day, when all the “real” players had all those practices where they ran around until they puked, I’d chip a few short field goals, maybe hit a few golf balls, then I’d go bang Phil Simms’ wife…hard. I mean, I was nailing that shit shut. A night’s worth of action for the average “Eddie” involves a dingy one-bedroom apartment, a “Family Size” can of Dinty Moore beef stew, a plastic bottle of that cheap-shit supermarket vodka, some of that cocoa butter lotion, and updating their Pornhub subscriptions.
Yeah, you can look down on me all you want because I’m a janitor at the Port Authority, but you will never get out of your “Eddie” lifestyle. Think about that when you’re making all your “kicker” jokes. Even the worst kickers in the NFL have a life way better than you’ll ever have, and they’ve done all the shit you dream about. That’s because kickers are finely-tuned athletes professional athletes, and your bloated ass couldn’t get the ball off the fucking ground without snapping a hamstring, even if we could set the time-machine to 50, 000 Big Macs ago.
So what if the kid doinked three kicks? Even if he doesn’t get another job, the one he just had paid more in one year than you make in five. While you’re calling sports radio to pile on him, he actually fucking the women on Pornhub you jerk off to. Don’t think I don’t know all you “Eddies” who have to slip Renee the Port Authority hooker a couple of C-notes to get your horn honked. Let me tell you something. Renee, and all of her buddies give me all the “freebies” I can handle, because I have a Super Bowl ring and you don’t.
So, fuck you “Eddie.”
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Speaking of Vikings, in the battle of the only losers of four Super Bowls, the 17 point underdog Bills laid the cleats to the home Vikes today, paying to the tune of ten to one.
Oh… and then there was that Wake Forest kicker who forgot to take the field for a field goal attempt? I guess it had to happen some time, right?
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