Boyd Bergquist’s Pigskin Perspectives – The 2019 NFL Season: “Halftime”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Boyd Bergquist was the sports director at KETS-TV in East Tree Stump, Nebraska for almost 40 years.  Known across the Husker state as the voice of the Boy’s High School Basketball Tournament, Bergquist was a four-time winner of the Marv J. Butz “Golden Cob” Award For Excellence In Nebraska Broadcast Journalism.  That background, along with his quick if not cliché-riddled wit and love of single-malt scotch makes Bergquist a perfect fit to be our “Question” guy. 

I live in Nebraska, which means winter here sucks. That’s why every year right around this time I start planning my winter vacation somewhere down south. This year, it just so happens that the Super Bowl is in Miami, and that made me start thinking about football teams and what most of them might be doing come January. After all, only 12 teams out of 32 make the play-offs, and only two will make it to Miami.

The thing that got me going was going back to the days before I started bringing home those Marv J. Butz “Golden Cob” awards and the paychecks that came with them.  The Mrs. and I took some shoe-string vacation budgets down south…back in the day when there were some places along the Gulf Coast that were cheap…I mean “bring your own lizard spray” cheap.

It all comes down to this…the better the year, the better the vacation. If it worked that way for me, it works pretty much the same way for a football team. The better year they have, the better chance they have at the ultimate big-buck trip to Miami. Since we all know I’m not a big “power rankings” guy, I thought this might be a good time to look at each NFL team based on what their hopes for the ultimate Florida vacation might be now that we are basically halfway through the season.

Already Have A Confirmation Number and An Upgrade to First Class For Their January Reservations

These are teams that look to have it all…the non-stop flight, the suite with a beach view, and the rental car with the additional insurance.

New Orleans Saints

• Original Category: Start Printing The Play-Off Tickets Now
• The Current Narrative: This team went 5-0 with Teddy Bridgewater taking the snaps. This is the most complete team in the league right now.

New England Patriots

• Original Category: Start Printing The Play-Off Tickets Now
• The Current Narrative: Even though it’s become clear you can run the ball on their defense, they are still the Patriots. Knocking them out of the play-offs will likely mean beating them in Foxboro. Good luck with that.

Green Bay Packers

• Original Category: January Is Still In Our Sights
• The Current Narrative: The Packers are a flawed diamond.  In the right light, they look like the best team in the league.  In the wrong light, they look like stuff in the bottom of your charcoal grill.

San Francisco 49ers

• Original Category: Don’t Hate On 8-8
• The Current Narrative: Well, they already have the first half of 8-8…I don’t think they will chalk up 8 straight losses.

Kansas City Chiefs

• Original Category: Start Printing The Play-Off Tickets Now
• The Current Narrative: Like I said, the “Find The Knee-Cap” game with Patrick Mahomes won’t matter…nobody is going to take the AFC West from them.

Baltimore Ravens

• Original Category: Don’t Hate On 8-8
• The Current Narrative: Another default division winner. Seating on the Lamar Jackson bandwagon is now at a premium…until the first blown ACL.

Have Reservations For January, But They Are Through Priceline

These teams may get a flight and a hotel, but they may have to change planes in Nome Alaska, and their rooms might have two twin beds and are next to the elevator shaft.  But they’re still in January, goddammit! However, all Priceline reservations are subject to changes and/or cancellation with short notice.

Dallas Cowboys

• Original Category: January Is Still In Our Sights
• The Current Narrative: Somebody has to win the NFC East; why can’t it be the “high-powered offense” which got grounded by the Saints…the very same one which got outplayed by the Jets , and struggled for the majority of the game against the Dolphins….who unlike the Plowboys…beat the Jets.

Seattle Seahawks

• Original Category: Don’t Hate On 8-8
• The Current Narrative: The Seahawks have an MVP candidate in Russell Wilson, and two games against the undefeated 49ers.  If they beat San Francisco this coming Monday Night, this conversation changes completely.

Buffalo Bills

• Original Category: January Is Still In Our Sights
• The Current Narrative: The Bills have only lost two games…to two of the best quarterbacks in the game. They get a re-match for one of those where God-willing they won’t have to rely on Matt Barkley at quarterback  Their schedule includes four games against the Jets and the Dolphins, the end of their season includes tilts with Pittsburgh and Denver.  Given that, you can’t count out a team which can run the ball and play defense.

Minnesota Vikings

• Original Category: Don’t Hate On 8-8
• The Current Narrative: “I love him, I love him not. I love him, I love him not. I love him, I love him not…” ~ Viking fans picking the petals off a flower while talking about Kirk Cousins.

Houston Texans

• Original Category: January Is Still In Our Sights
• The Current Narrative: Somebody has to win the AFC South…the Texans have the inside rail at this point, but they still have to beat the Colts at some point.

Indianapolis Colts

• Original Category: Start Printing The Play-Off Tickets Now
• The Current Narrative: How many more ex-Patriots’ quarterbacks can the Colts get? Matt Cassel…you have a call on Line 1.

Welcome to Biloxi!

If you’ve ever been to Biloxi, Mississippi, you know it is the ultimate compromise for a Gulf Coast vacation. On the upside, at least you aren’t snowbound in some crappy town like Peoria, Illinois. But the down-side is you are smack-dab in the heart of the “Redneck Riviera;” a place where all the hotels have outside entrances and share a parking lot with a Hardee’s. That might be the best of your food choices as the alternative is a casino buffet stocked with improperly-stored seafood or Grade F meat imported from a country even more backward than Biloxi, Mississippi.

Carolina Panthers

• Original Category: Let’s All Say It Together: “Re-Building Year!”
• The Current Narrative: Am I the only person who noticed the urgency to get Cam Newton back waned after they realized Kyle Allen might just be the real deal as an NFL quarterback?  And, let’s not forget the Panthers have an MVP candidate in Christian McCaffrey.

Jacksonville Jaguars

• Original Category: Don’t Hate On 8-8
• The Current Narrative: Gardner Fuckin’ Minshew, baby!  Nick Fuckin’ Foles, baby!

Oakland Raiders

• Original Category: Let’s All Say It Together: “Re-Building Year!”
• The Current Narrative: Don’t look know, but “Chucky” Gruden has this franchise showing signs of life. But then again, not every stem-cell experiment gets out of the Petri dish.

Arizona Cardinals

• Original Category: High-End Draft Pick In Vegas, Baby!
• The Current Narrative: So, the Kyler-Kingsbury thing seems to show some promise.  It’s sad when mediocrity becomes a success condition, but if I’m a Cardinals fan. I need to cherish those precious moments when my team doesn’t suck.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

• Original Category: Let’s All Say It Together: “Re-Building Year!”
• The Current Narrative: Remember when the Bucs hung 55-points on the defending NFC champion Rams? Neither do we, because all we remember now is Jameis Winston becoming a walking one-man turnover machine

Tennessee Titans

• Original Category: Don’t Hate On 8-8
• The Current Narrative: At one point, I said there was no better example of a quarterback who can build up a fan base’s hopes only to rip their guts out literally seconds later than Marcus Mariota.  The Titans have now replaced him with Ryan Tannehill. Draw your own conclusions.

Broke Down On The Road To Florida

Road trips always seem like a fun idea until you are sitting on the side of some goddamn road with a trail of shredded metal that used to be your transmission in your wake. These teams are in the break-down lane with their flashers on, but their vacation hopes can still be saved if the tow truck to get to them in time.

Los Angeles Rams

• Original Category: Start Printing The Play-Off Tickets Now
• The Current Narrative: Yet another example of “Post-Super Bowl Loss Melt-Down Syndrome.”  But they melt job isn’t complete yet. Raise you you hand if you’re not the only one who hears the Ram time-bomb ticking.

Philadelphia Eagles

• Original Category: January Is Still In Our Sights
• The Current Narrative:  Every time I sit shiva in this team, they win.  Every time I buy into them, they gag. Now I know what being a Scientologist feels like.

Los Angeles Chargers

• Original Category: January Is Still In Our Sights
• The Current Narrative: This team has every shot to be the horse that pulls into the outside lane late and still shows despite a horse-shit start.  They also can be that horse starring as beef and broccoli at your local Chinese buffet. You be the judge.

Chicago Bears

• Original Category: Start Printing The Play-Off Tickets Now
• The Current Narrative:  Mitchell Trubisky is getting the blame for every thing wrong in Chicago, but his offensive couldn’t stop a Girl Scout cookie sale, let alone a pass rush. But, that defense though…

Cleveland Browns

• Original Category: Don’t Hate On 8-8
• The Current Narrative: Once I said the Browns offense looked like it was “finally showing up,” it now can’t be picked up on the radar they used for moon landings.  They’ll have to steal a few games for 8-8, but 7-9 is surprisingly possible.

Do They Still Have KOA Campgrounds?

Sadly, the answer is yes. The KOA Campgrounds hit their peak about the same time “Smokey and the Bandit” brought “beaver” jokes and CB Radio to the forefront of American culture. Now, they represent that level of vacationing one notch above completely giving up. KOA Campgrounds are for you if you refuse to give up on the idea of having a vacation, even if it means a coin-operated shower inh lukewarm well-water and shitting in a hole in the ground. The NFL equivalent is being a fan who says crap like “at least we have a quarterback.”

Detroit Lions

• Original Category: Don’t Hate On 8-8
• The Current Narrative: This team went from tying the god-awful Cardinals to giving the Chiefs all they could handle. But they haven’t done anything since.

Pittsburgh Steelers

• Original Category: Let’s All Say It Together: “Re-Building Year!”
• The Current Narrative: Even after the wheels fell of the Steelers wagon, they are still only two games out of first place in the AFC North.

Denver Broncos

• Original Category: High-End Draft Pick In Vegas, Baby!
• The Current Narrative: Things were going in the right direction until Joe Flacco caught “Peyton Manning Neck Syndrome” from the Broncos’ locker room shower floor.

New York Giants

• Original Category: Let’s All Say It Together: “Re-Building Year!”
• The Current Narrative: Good, bad or indifferent, the “Danny Dimes” era has begun in Gotham.  Remember how 35 minutes into his career, Giants fans where ready to put Daniel Jones in the Hall of Fame? To be fair, “Danny Dimes” can’t fix everything wrong with the G-Men unless he can play at least three defensive positions while simultaneously wrangling black cats.

The Airline Lost Your Luggage…Use Your Replacement Voucher Wisely

This is all about the feeling you have standing at the baggage carousel and every other passenger is gone as are all the bags. Getting that replacement voucher from the airline is like getting the first pick in the draft. Your vacation was ruined, you’re starting all over, and you’d better choose wisely, because you only have so much money.

New York Jets

• Original Category: High-End Draft Pick In Vegas, Baby!
• The Current Narrative: I know…losing to the Dolphins doesn’t look good, but I stand by the fact this team really isn’t that bad on paper.  They just have the Jets’ curse…again, who else has their starting quarterback get mononucleosis?

Atlanta Falcons

• Original Category: Let’s All Say It Together: “Re-Building Year!”
• The Current Narrative: I still say the Falcons should move their home games to Saturday so the fans can at least get Chick-Fil-A. Then again, maybe not…why let the Falcons’ performance make fans barf up a great chicken sandwich?

Washington Redskins

• Original Category: High-End Draft Pick In Vegas, Baby!
• The Current Narrative: The fans finally got their wish to see Dwayne Haskins. That’s why you should always be careful what you wish for.  Now they know why the dear, departed Jay Gruden didn’t want this guy.

Miami Dolphins

• Original Category: High-End Draft Pick In Vegas, Baby!
• The Current Narrative: Do the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins pop champagne now that this team won’t go 0-16?

Cincinnati Bengals

• Original Category: High-End Draft Pick In Vegas, Baby!
• The Current Narrative: They just benched Andy Dalton in favor of a guy who might not have been taken in the XFL draft.

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