Boyd Bergquist’s Pigskin Perspectives – The 2019 NFL Season: “Third Quarter”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Boyd Bergquist was the sports director at KETS-TV in East Tree Stump, Nebraska for almost 40 years.  Known across the Husker state as the voice of the Boy’s High School Basketball Tournament, Bergquist was a four-time winner of the Marv J. Butz “Golden Cob” Award For Excellence In Nebraska Broadcast Journalism.  That background, along with his quick if not cliché-riddled wit and love of single-malt scotch makes Bergquist a perfect fit to be our “Question” guy.

Let’s cut to the chase here…from the first post in this series, this is all about evaluating who is for real and who is bullshit in the National Football League in 2019.

Since I’m not the traditional “power rankings” kind of guy, I break teams into relative categories.  After the first four games of the season, the categories  were all about the odds of a team making the play-offs; most NFL fans should find them to be self-explanatory.

• Start Printing The Play-Off Tickets Now
• January Is Still In Our Sights
• Don’t Hate On 8-8
• Let’s All Say It Together: “Re-Building Year!”
• High-End Draft Pick In Vegas, Baby!

For the “Halftime” Edition, the categories were all relative to planning a Florida vacation as the Super Bowl is in Miami this season.

• Already Have A Confirmation Number and An Upgrade to First Class For Their January Reservations – These are teams that look to have it all…the non-stop flight, the suite with a beach view, and the rental car with the additional insurance.
• Have Reservations For January, But They Are Through Priceline –
  These teams may get a flight and a hotel, but they may have to change planes in Nome Alaska, and their rooms might have two twin beds and are next to the elevator shaft. But they’re still in January, goddammit! However, all Priceline reservations are subject to changes and/or cancellation with short notice.
• Welcome to Biloxi! – If you’ve ever been to Biloxi, Mississippi, you know it is the ultimate compromise for a Gulf Coast vacation. On the upside, at least you aren’t snowbound in some crappy town like Peoria, Illinois. But the down-side is you are smack-dab in the heart of the “Redneck Riviera;” a place where all the hotels have outside entrances and share a parking lot with a Hardee’s. That might be the best of your food choices as the alternative is a casino buffet stocked with improperly-stored seafood or Grade F meat imported from a country even more backward than Biloxi, Mississippi.
• Broke Down On The Road To Florida – Road trips always seem like a fun idea until you are sitting on the side of some goddamn road with a trail of shredded metal that used to be your transmission in your wake. These teams are in the break-down lane with their flashers on, but their vacation hopes can still be saved if the tow truck to get to them in time.
• Do They Still Have KOA Campgrounds? – Sadly, the answer is yes. The KOA Campgrounds hit their peak about the same time “Smokey and the Bandit” brought “beaver” jokes and CB Radio to the forefront of American culture. Now, they represent that level of vacationing one notch above completely giving up. KOA Campgrounds are for you if you refuse to give up on the idea of having a vacation, even if it means a coin-operated shower inh lukewarm well-water and shitting in a hole in the ground. The NFL equivalent is being a fan who says crap like “at least we have a quarterback.”
• The Airline Lost Your Luggage…Use Your Replacement Voucher Wisely – This is all about the feeling you have standing at the baggage carousel and every other passenger is gone as are all the bags. Getting that replacement voucher from the airline is like getting the first pick in the draft. Your vacation was ruined, you’re starting all over, and you’d better choose wisely, because you only have so much money.

Now that everybody has played at least 12 games, we’re in the homestretch of the 2019 NFL season, which means it’s about time to once again look at the pretenders and contenders in this league in my own “non-power ranking” category-based way. Again, most NFL fans should readily understand them.

Bye Bye Birdie – Teams Flying Into A Bye Week

New Orleans Saints

• Original Category: Start Printing The Play-Off Tickets Now
• Halftime Category: Already Have A Confirmation Number and An Upgrade to First Class For Their January Reservations
• The Current Narrative:  The Ravens are everybody’s “sexy” pick for the Super Bowl now, but experience matters.

Baltimore Ravens

• Original Category: Don’t Hate On 8-8
• Halftime Category: Already Have A Confirmation Number and An Upgrade to First Class For Their January Reservations
• The Current Narrative: The bandwagon for this team is so over-loaded it’s threatening to snap an axle.  But as of right now, the AFC road to the Super Bowl goes through Baltimore.

Seattle Seahawks

• Original Category: Don’t Hate On 8-8
• Halftime Category: Have Reservations For January, But They Are Through Priceline
• The Current Narrative: There’s a reason why Russell Wilson was the first episode in J-Dub’s series Sports Analogies Hidden In Classic Movies.

New England Patriots

• Original Category: Start Printing The Play-Off Tickets Now
• Halftime Category: Already Have A Confirmation Number and An Upgrade to First Class For Their January Reservations
• The Current Narrative: These aren’t your father’s Patriots. That offense sucks on whole wheat toast and the Patriots are dead meat the minute they have to go on the road in the play-offs.  But they still have the inside rail to January.

Teams You Don’t Want To Face In January

San Francisco 49ers

• Original Category: Don’t Hate On 8-8
• Halftime Category: Already Have A Confirmation Number and An Upgrade to First Class For Their January Reservations
• The Current Narrative: Lamar Jackson wasn’t the only quarterback I didn’t believe in to start the season.  Mr. Jackson, meet Mr. Garoppolo.

Green Bay Packers

• Original Category: January Is Still In Our Sights
• Halftime Category: Already Have A Confirmation Number and An Upgrade to First Class For Their January Reservations
• The Current Narrative: By now, there has to be an MRI machine in Green Bay named for Bryan Bulaga.

Houston Texans

• Original Category: January Is Still In Our Sights
• Halftime Category: Have Reservations For January, But They Are Through Priceline
• The Current Narrative: You really can’t have more of a statement game than man-handling the Patriots.

Buffalo Bills

• Original Category: January Is Still In Our Sights
• Halftime Category: Have Reservations For January, But They Are Through Priceline
• The Current Narrative: Don’t look now, but this team gets one game more against the Patriots; this time the division will be on the line.  When’s the last time that happened?

Minnesota Vikings

• Original Category: Don’t Hate On 8-8
• Halftime Category: Have Reservations For January, But They Are Through Priceline
• The Current Narrative: Nothing says “one-and-done in the play-offs” more that the Minnesota Vikings.

Somebody’s Got To Win That Goddamn Division

Kansas City Chiefs

• Original Category: Start Printing The Play-Off Tickets Now
• Halftime Category: Already Have A Confirmation Number and An Upgrade to First Class For Their January Reservations
• The Current Narrative: Is the “Andy Reid Factor” rearing it’s ugly head in Kansas City? C’mon, Philadelphia Eagles fans…don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Tennessee Titans

• Original Category: Don’t Hate On 8-8
• Halftime Category: Welcome to Biloxi!
• The Current Narrative:  Ryan Tannehill is leading this team on an honest-to-goodness play-off run.  Yeah, I can’t believe I just said that either.

Dallas Cowboys

• Original Category: January Is Still In Our Sights
• Halftime Category: Have Reservations For January, But They Are Through Priceline
• The Current Narrative: If you need a team photo of the Dallas Cowboys, go to your dictionary and look up “winner by default.” In other words, the key to the Cowboys’ success is by sucking less than anybody else in their division.

Oakland Raiders

• Original Category: Let’s All Say It Together: “Re-Building Year!”
• Halftime Category: Welcome to Biloxi!
• The Current Narrative: Why not? The Cowboys also lost to the Jets and can still end up in the play-offs. Despite the fact the Chiefs crushed the Raiders in
  Kansas City, it’s not like the Chiefs are running away from anybody.

Still Might Back Into The Play-Offs – Stranger Things Have Happened

Pittsburgh Steelers

• Original Category: Let’s All Say It Together: “Re-Building Year!”
• Halftime Category: Do They Still Have KOA Campgrounds?
• The Current Narrative: Even after the wheels fell of the Steelers wagon, they are still a play-off team as of today.

Indianapolis Colts

• Original Category: Start Printing The Play-Off Tickets Now
• Halftime Category: Have Reservations For January, But They Are Through Priceline
• The Current Narrative: I love the Colts’ coach, but we haven’t seen a Reich collapse like this since 1945.

Los Angeles Rams

• Original Category: Start Printing The Play-Off Tickets Now
• Halftime Category: Broke Down On The Road To Florida
• The Current Narrative: Don’t tell me Jerry Jones isn’t looking at Jared Goff as the poster child for dumping money into the wrong quarterback.

Cleveland Browns

• Original Category: Don’t Hate On 8-8
• Halftime Category: Broke Down On The Road To Florida
• The Current Narrative: The more things change, the more they stay the same…these are still the same old sorry-ass Cleveland Browns.

Seriously, We Really Aren’t As Bad As Our Record Says

Carolina Panthers

• Original Category: Let’s All Say It Together: “Re-Building Year!”
• Halftime Category: Welcome to Biloxi!
• The Current Narrative:  “Riverboat” Ron Rivera became the “fall guy” for what ails Carolina.

Arizona Cardinals

• Original Category: High-End Draft Pick In Vegas, Baby!
• Halftime Category: Welcome to Biloxi!
• The Current Narrative: Go figure.  The Cardinals look to have their coach and quarterback of the foreseeable future right about the same time the 49ers and Seahawks emerge as two of the best teams in the league.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

• Original Category: Let’s All Say It Together: “Re-Building Year!”
• Halftime Category: Welcome to Biloxi!
• The Current Narrative: Can you only imagine the narrative if Jameis Winston was a Dallas Cowboy?

New York Jets

• Original Category: High-End Draft Pick In Vegas, Baby!
• Halftime Category: The Airline Lost Your Luggage…Use Your Replacement Voucher Wisely
• The Current Narrative: The tale of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Jets…here’s a team that butt-houses a potential play-off team one week and the next puts the “1” in the Bengals “1-11.”

Chicago Bears

• Original Category: Start Printing The Play-Off Tickets Now
• Halftime Category: Broke Down On the Road To Florida
• The Current Narrative:  How many times have we seen this movie? Picture a Bears team with a solid defense saddled with an offense that machine-guns it own feet?

Seriously, We Really ARE As Bad As Our Record Says

Philadelphia Eagles

• Original Category: January Is Still In Our Sights
• Halftime Category: Welcome to Biloxi!
• The Current Narrative:  The recurring themes…the offensive line gets beat up, the receivers have lobster claws, and Carson Wentz is becoming the “Blake Griffin” of the NFL.  He’s good for at least one “SportsCenter Top Play” every Sunday, yet finds a way to miss free throws.

Los Angeles Chargers

• Original Category: January Is Still In Our Sights
• Halftime Category: Broke Down On the Road To Florida
• The Current Narrative: It’s time to consider moving on from Philip Rivers, and with that, a comprehensive rebuild in general.

Jacksonville Jaguars

• Original Category: Don’t Hate On 8-8
• Halftime Category: Welcome to Biloxi!
• The Current Narrative: Gardner Fuckin’ Minshew, baby!  Nick Fuckin’ Foles, baby! Gardner Fuckin’ Minshew AGAIN, baby!

Denver Broncos

• Original Category: High-End Draft Pick In Vegas, Baby!
• Halftime Category: Do They Still Have KOA Campgrounds?
• The Current Narrative: Things were going in the right direction until Joe Flacco caught “Peyton Manning Neck Syndrome” from the Broncos’ locker room shower floor.

New York Giants

• Original Category: Let’s All Say It Together: “Re-Building Year!”
• Halftime Category: Do They Still Have KOA Campgrounds?
• The Current Narrative: Now, it’s all back to Eli Manning.  That’s like putting sour milk back in the refrigerator hoping it will better tommorow

About To Be On the Clock For The Draft

Detroit Lions

• Original Category: Don’t Hate On 8-8
• Halftime Category: Do They Still Have KOA Campgrounds?
• The Current Narrative: The way David Blough blew up Twitter on Thanksgiving Day, you would think the Lions won that game.

Atlanta Falcons

• Original Category: Let’s All Say It Together: “Re-Building Year!”
• Halftime Category: The Airline Lost Your Luggage…Use Your Replacement Voucher Wisely
• The Current Narrative: The only question left in Atlanta is can Dan Quinn save his job?

Miami Dolphins

• Original Category: High-End Draft Pick In Vegas, Baby!
• Halftime Category: The Airline Lost Your Luggage…Use Your Replacement Voucher Wisely
• The Current Narrative: How long will it be before the Dolphins can entertain the idea of being at least mediocre?

Washington Redskins

• Original Category: High-End Draft Pick In Vegas, Baby!
• Halftime Category: The Airline Lost Your Luggage…Use Your Replacement Voucher Wisely
• The Current Narrative:  There’s nothing more “Redskinny” than having your first-round pick quarterback not on the field because he’s taking a “selfie” with a fan.  Yet another example of why the dear, departed Jay Gruden didn’t want this guy.

Cincinnati Bengals

• Original Category: High-End Draft Pick In Vegas, Baby!
• Halftime Category: The Airline Lost Your Luggage…Use Your Replacement Voucher Wisely
• The Current Narrative: They benched Andy Dalton in favor of a guy who might not have been taken in the XFL draft, then went back to the “Ginger Rifle” to get their first win of the season. Can they get two?

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