What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
To say the Dodgers grind my gears is an exercise in understatement. I hate the Dodgers – seething, bile-spewing, eyeball-exploding hate. I have hated the Dodgers since childhood, and I will hate them until my dying breath. Even after that, I will still hate them.
The Dodgers franchise is the embodiment of “warning track power.” They make the post-season often enough to make people forget they haven’t won a playoff series in twenty years. Hell, it took a miracle and a strike to get them their last two World Series titles. But performance on the field is only one reason why the Dodgers make my colon slam shut like a steel bear trap.
1) They have no real fans
This is why nobody remembers the complete choke jobs the Dodgers have pulled. Fandom in Los Angeles is completely dependent on your won-loss record. When the Dodgers are winning, the ball park fills with the “white wine and tofu” crowd, and when they are losing, Mexicans toting styrofoam coolers full of Tecate reclaim Chavez Ravine. Of course, I understand their recruiting problem; I would rather clean every toilet in Dodger Stadium with my tongue than be a Dodger fan.
2) Tommy Lasorda
It has always been said about Lasorda “He bleeds Dodger Blue.” What a wonderful concept, especially he did it from a ruptured aorta. From the millions of reasons the guy is a flaming asshole, this might be my favorite: He assaulted a fucking mascot.
From Dodger Blues, a great site for hating the team stolen from Brooklyn.
After the Philly Phanatic had stomped numerous times on a stuffed doll dressed in a Dodgers uniform with “Lasorda” on the back, Lasorda wrestled the doll away from the mascot. Lasorda then hit the Phanatic in the face with the doll, pinned him to the ground and threw a few punches. Truly a great sight.
“What he did wasn’t entertainment,” said Lasorda. “I love the Dodgers, and it wasn’t right for him to stomp on the doll with the uniform. There were a lot of kids there, and he’s showing them violence. He didn’t need to do that.”
David Raymond, who masqueraded as the Phanatic, didn’t seem too bothered. “When he grabs me, he gets his shots in pretty hard, but I didn’t know that he was serious,” Raymond said. “I’m really just trying to make fun of Tommy’s shape.”
3) A childhood stuffed full of “those great Dodger teams” that never seemed to win anything
Does the name Reggie Jackson ring a bell? See, if the Dodgers had any real fans, they would remember the World Series moon-shot homers he slugged against them. Or the “Big Red Machine” that systematically dismantled the Dodgers. Or finding a way to come up a game short against the Astros in ‘80. Or Joe Morgan’s season-ending homer for the Giants in ’82. Or the miracle Ozzie Smith homer in ’85, et cetera, ad nauseum…Besides, anywhere that featured Tommy Lasorda and Steve Garvey in the same place at the same time can only be a sucking vortex of pure evil.
4) The never-ending parade of “Can’t Miss Prospects”
The golden age for this was when the Dodgers’ AAA team was in Albuquerque. Those thin mountain air stats never seemed to translate well to sea level. Guys that were hitting balls into the stratosphere suddenly became “great Dodger hitters” like Mike Marshall, Greg Brock, and (gasp) Franklin Stubbs.
5) Dave Stewart
The highlight of his Dodger career consisted of getting busted with a transvestite prostitute. Once he leaves Los Angeles, he becomes a 20-game winner.
6) The Front Office
Quick – Name the last time the Dodgers acquired a “big-time” free-agent who a) stayed more than three years, b) wasn’t traded for a reduced rate, c) didn’t flame-out entirely. Sure, Manny Ramirez is bucking the trend, but there is still plenty of time for him to fulfill his destiny, just like Kevin Brown, Andruw Jones and “No-more” Garciaparra.
So, when you can’t sign good players, you have to develop them within your own organization. But the Dodgers seem to love to develop players just to the point of paying off, then dumping them for nothing, only to watch them become useful major league players somewhere else. UmpBump sums it up the best:
Ned Colletti has only been a general manager since 2006, but now that he has designated Delwyn Young for assignment, you can now officially field an entire major-league starting lineup out of the players he has given up on and traded away in just three years.
Apparently, Colletti only gave up on Young, a 26-year-old, major league ready 2B/outfielder with a career .303/.363/.514 minor league line, just so he can call up non-roster futility infielder Juan Castro instead of actually-on-the-roster shortstop Chin-Lung Hu (who is also better than Castro in every way).
Look I’m not saying this team I’ve crafted below is better than the team the Dodgers currently have. Obviously, it’s not. But it’s worth pointing out just how much talent Ned Colletti has given up on and traded away for basically no return in just slightly over three years on the job.
The All Ned-Colletti-Gave-Up-On-Them Team:
C Dioner Navarro – Traded to the Rays along with P Jae Weong Seo and OF Justin Ruggiano for C Toby Hall and P Mark Hendrickson. Now the starting catcher for the Rays. Hit .295 last season and is still just 25 years old.
1B Willy Aybar – Traded to the Braves along with P Danys Baez for Wilson Betemit. Became the first man off the bench for the AL Champion Rays last season, often getting starts at 3B, 1B, and DH.
2B Delwyn Young – Designated for assignment and set to be traded because Ned Colletti and Joe Torre like journeyman Juan Castro off the bench more than prospect Chin-Lung Hu, and apparently are willing to sacrifice a perfectly good player for this.
3B Wilson Betemit – Traded to the Yankees for Scott Proctor. Currently a bench player for the White Sox.
SS Cesar Izturis – Traded to the Cubs in 2006 for two months of Greg Maddux. Currently the starting shortstop for the Baltimore Orioles. Amazingly, Ned Colletti somehow failed to even offer arbitration to Maddux that offseason, in a decision which has still never been explained, so the Dodgers got nothing when he then signed with the Padres. This decision looked even sillier when the Dodgers traded for Maddux *again* in 2008.
LF Milton Bradley – Traded to the A’s along with infielder Antonio Perez for Andre Ethier. Currently the starting rightfielder for the Cubs.
CF Cody Ross – Traded to the Reds for P Ben Kozlowski. Currently the starting centerfielder for the Marlins
RF Jayson Werth – Colletti allowed Werth to walk as a free agent after the 2006 season when he could have been resigned for a song. Werth signed with the Phillies for $850,000 and helped lead them to a World Series championship in 2008. Werth is currently the Phillies starting rightfielder.
SP Edwin Jackson – Traded along with P Chuck Tiffany for relievers Danys Baez and Lance Carter. Currently the no. 3 starter on the Detroit Tigers.
Amazingly, out of all the players Colletti got in return when he traded these players away, only Andre Ethier is still with the Dodgers, and only Ethier was even really worth much of anything to the team. Granted, Ethier is a pretty good player, but outside of that Bradley trade, Colletti’s trading record shows that he has kindly stocked the lineups, benches, and minor league systems of his opponents while basically getting nothing in return and then having to fill all those holes he created with expensive free agents.
Naturally, the Dodgers couldn’t use Edwin Jackson…why would anyone be looking at a 99-mph fireballer to put into your rotation when Vincente Padilla in available? It’s never a good sign when the second sentence in the story announcing Padilla’s arrival pleads “He say’s he not a bad person.”
7) Steve Garvey
Short of Lasorda, was there ever a more hate-able Dodger? He spent years cultivating that “Clean-Cut All-American Boy” routine, all while attempting to impregnate all the women in Southern California that weren’t his wife.
8 ) The Pavillion
The term “Pavillion” was coined to sound more gentrified than “bleachers.” But at Chavez Ravine, it actually means “steerage-class rabble who usually don’t know a goddamn thing about baseball or anything else since they generally have double-digit IQs.”
Case in point from the above photo: You know the guy making the “steroid-needle-in-the-butt” gesture to Barry Bonds is the same guy who calls the local sports-talk radio station to verbally fellate fellow performance-enhancing-drug-user-and-everybody’s-favorite-fucking-Dodger Manny Ramirez.