What your view of sports and life would be if you had too many concussions
Every year about this time, it is tradition here at Dubsism to write a piece trashing the Super Bowl contestants. The reason why we do this is actually rather simple. The Super Bowl is the biggest sports event in America, and as such, it draws in all the casual fans who don’t pay attention to football until now. That means those of us who watch all the sports we can need to provide crucial information the newly-arriving fan may not know.
As Americans, despite all of our varying levels of interest in the National Football League, in the immortal words of our own Boyd Bergquist, Super Bowl Sunday is the one day that even people who don’t give a damn about football watch football. Christmas is when we gather with families, but Super Bowl Sunday is when we gather with friends. and co-workers. That why we provide the “Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For” series so you won’t look like as much of an asshole to those people come Monday.
In this installment, we’re here to tell you why you shouldn’t cheer for the San Francisco 49ers
1) Their Quarterback Looks Like This
This is Jimmy Garoppolo, quarterback of the San Francisco 49ers. This isn’t the look of an NFL quarterback. This is the look of the guy at Olive Garden who runs the parmesan cheese grater.
2) Their Tight End Looks Like This
Seriously, what does this guy look more like…a big-time offensive weapon or a 21st-century version of Jeff Spicoli from “Fast Times at Ridgemont High?”
3) “The Banjo Guy”
Even pictures of this guy reek of patchouli and damp socks. If the 49ers win the Super Bowl, this guy will be in the victory parade, and the stench after a solid week of partying will be unimaginable.
4) Pure, Uncut Incivility
It’s one thing when your Hall-of-Fame quarterback goes full “potty-mouth;” it’s entirely something else when a fan-base corrupts the morals of cookie-baking grandmothers with such foul language. There’s simply no fucking need for that.
5) Stadium Food Crime
It used to be in America that stadium food was straight-forward; hot dogs, burgers…then nachos came along. That was good enough…unless you were in San Francisco. I remember the first time I went to a 49ers game when they still played at Candlestick Park, and I was horrified to see what they were selling at the stadium. There’s simply no way I can support a football team that sells white wine and sushi at the ball park. Don’t get me wrong, I love good sushi, but how good can it be after being lugged up and down stadium stairs around the belly of a minimum-wage vendor?
6) “Mr. Shanahan…Tear Down This Wall!”
With one speech, Ronald Reagan destroyed Soviet communism. If the San Francisco 49ers win the Super Bowl, the very same Bolshevism which brought white wine and sushi to football will be validated. It will also propel us back to the “leather helmet” era of football in which it required an act of Congress to be allowed to throw a forward pass. The 49ers won the NFC Championship game by throwing 8 forward passes. If that style of play spreads across the league, imagine what that will do to your fantasy football team? There’s nothing more communist than ensuring every fantasy football team in America will score the same 9 points every week.
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