Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The Kansas City Chiefs
Every year about this time, it is tradition here at Dubsism to write a piece trashing the Super Bowl contestants. The reason why we do this is actually rather simple. The Super Bowl is the biggest sports event in America, and as such, it draws in all the casual fans who don’t pay attention to football until now. That means those of us who watch all the sports we can need to provide crucial information the newly-arriving fan may not know.
As Americans, despite all of our varying levels of interest in the National Football League, in the immortal words of our own Boyd Bergquist, Super Bowl Sunday is the one day that even people who don’t give a damn about football watch football. Christmas is when we gather with families, but Super Bowl Sunday is when we gather with friends. and co-workers. That why we provide the “Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For” series so you won’t look like as much of an asshole to those people come Monday.
In this installment, we’re here to tell you why you shouldn’t cheer for the Kansas City Chiefs.
1) Their Quarterback Looks Like This
You can have the big hair. You can have the headband. But you can’t have both if you don’t want to be compared to “Thelma” from “Good Times.”
2) Their Coach Looks Like This
There’s a lot of meme-making focused on Andy Reid and his resemblance in red to the “Kool-Aid” man. But I’m sticking to my “Andy’s Big Boy.”
3) That God-Awful “War Chant” thing
You’ve heard it a million times. I hate every team that does it. I hate the Atlanta Braves, and I hate Florida State. Now the Chiefs do it, and I may have to hate them for it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have some bullshit “politically correct” reason for not liking it; I’m on record pointing out the hypocrisy in those who wrap themselves up in that lofty load of shit known as “social justice.” I hate it because it’s just really fucking annoying.
4) Speaking of “Politically Correct”
Other than barbecue, nobody gives a frog’s fat ass what happens in Kansas City. The Cleveland Indians got all kinds of shit from the “social justice warrior” types for their mascot. So did the Washington Redskins. But nobody has uttered a peep about the Kansas City Chiefs. And if they did, nobody cared.
5) Missouri Has Lost More Pro Teams Than Any Other State
If you needed proof that nobody wants to be in this God-awful state, just look at how many professional sports franchises have called U-Haul to get out of there. The NBA’s St. Louis Hawks left for Atlanta. Baseball’s St. Louis Browns headed for Baltimore to become the Orioles. The NFL abandoned Missouri twice, when the St.Louis Cardinals moved to Arizona and the St. Louis Rams returned to Los Angeles. As for Kansas City, it was deserted by the NBA’s Kansas City Kings in favor of Sacramento, and the NHL’s Kansas City Scouts ultimately ended up as the New Jersey Devils after a short stint in the Colorado Rockies.
So many teams fled the “Show Me” state that in order to keep pro football, Kansas City had to accept the Chiefs as refugees from their failure as the Dallas Texans.
6) I’m Afraid They Might Be The Next Patriots
I’m just not ready to deal with this six times in Kansas City.
Let’s face it. I’m glad to be writing about the Chiefs now because I literally ran out of shit to say about the New England Patriots. The problem is this Chiefs team is good…really good. I jst dealt with one six-time Super Bowl winner, I’m not ready for possibly another.
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